Being Phenomenal

Maya Angelou passed away today. Her poetry was such an inspiration to me and, at times, a crutch. My grandparents gave me one of her books when I was in high school. (Grandpa suspects it was I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I suspect it was The Complete Collected Poems of Maya Angelou. When I return home from work and extracurriculars this evening, one glance at my bookshelf will prove one of us right, or perhaps both of us wrong.) Regardless of which book it was, I can to this day - some 14+ years later - recite "Still I Rise" and "Phenomenal Woman." (Oddly enough, I was quite literally reciting the former while running water for my bath last night. First time I've done that in years.) Whether I was facing adversity, heartache, or a tough decision, I could rely on one of those poems to help me see things a little more clearly and be my best self in the process. Her passing breaks my heart, but her words will live forever.

Her death has caused a flood of her words, thoughts, and poems on social media today. I have clicked on just about every list, article and gallery I have seen related to her, and that's led to some of my own reflection. For a moment I debated bringing Dr. Angelou's wisdom in on a conversation about online dating, as doing so may be doing her a disservice, but I think this angle may make it ok. We shall see.

I deleted one of my profiles on Sunday. I had 2 of them, and still have one, but the other is gone. The one app I kept allows you to only have conversation once mutual attraction has been established. I have heard the arguments that the app is superficial and that you're only judging people based on their pictures and a few words on a screen. Let's not be ridiculous here - that's what all online dating is. I don't care what platform you're using; your decisions are based on pictures and words. This particular one just makes it more obvious that this is how your decisions are made. The one I deleted allows any one person to contact any other person. It doesn't matter if I specify a 40 mile radius, I can - and have been - contacted by people thousands of miles away. It doesn't matter if I specify an age range, older and younger folks have reached out.

My growing frustration over the messages from people I just wasn't interested in was causing me to be snarky, dismissive, and sometimes to just outright ignore people. Let me not be mistaken, I am a sarcastic person. The snark is nothing new. But this was making it worse. Someone I care for deeply once told me how much he hated my sarcasm, and I've been making a conscious effort to be better about it, and this was just making it worse. I've felt much better since I deleted it. The other app remains, but less utilized than it had been. 

I still have a hard time believing the man for me will first cross my path on a website or on an app. I think it's fantastic for all of those people who have found love and happiness that way, but I have struggled with and continue to struggle with the idea that my story, our story, unfolds that way. I prefer to think we'll both be attending the same concert, or trivia night, or festival, or something else I have gone to for a very specific purpose, only to walk away with so much more. The result will be a couple of ordinary people with an extraordinary love.

"Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope."

Part of what has been holding me back from that extraordinary thing is that I had lost sight of who I was lately and had been shifting into someone else, a person I was pretty sure I would not like if I had met her on the street. Realizing that was half the battle. Now that some burdens have been removed and unnecessary weight has been lifted, I'm going to look to Dr. Angelou for wisdom as I have done many times before. 

"We have to confront ourselves. Do we like what we see in the mirror? And, according to our light, according to our understanding, according to our courage, we will have to say yea or nay — and rise!"

Time to "put a little starch in [my] backbone" and rise. Some friends looked on in awe as I did a kind, unprompted thing for a stranger over the weekend. My response to them was, "I can be nice, just not to single men." That needs to stop. If I can be unafraid to drop from high in the air in my aerials class, I can, as Dr. Angelou said, "have enough courage to love." Changes to your soul, to your core, don't happen overnight. But we are an ever-evolving species, and with the right attitude, hard work, and the motivation and inspiration of the amazing people in my life, I will continue to grow and improve and, if I'm lucky, become half the "phenomenal woman" Dr. Angelou was.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need for my care.
’Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.