So It's Gonna Be Forever or It's Gonna Go Down In Flames

For those of you who have asked when I would be putting up a new post, I've decided to go ahead and honor your wishes. So much has happened since my last post - highs, lows, laughter, tears, cursing the very existence of men everywhere, meeting people who gave me the tiniest bit of hope that they're not all awful... I could go on and on, but I won't. What I will say is that I've been back in the cesspool known as Tinder for about a month. It's exactly as it was before I left it - entertaining but ultimately useless. I continue to meet amazing guys at the wrong time and the wrong guys all the time. Some things may never change.

Instead of rehashing any of the stories of guys who have come and gone, I'm going to do something a little different this time. In keeping with the spirit of the holidays, I'd like to take this post to thank the people who matter most to perpetually single me. Thank you isn't enough for many of these people, but it's at least a start. Without further ado, a big thanks to (in no particular order):

• my best friend who is always there to listen to every detail of every encounter, text, phone call, date, whatever, and responds with advice when I need it, a kick in the rear when I need it, a distraction when I need it, and, most often, "Are you writing all this down? This will be a bestseller one day."
• my PNC who has seen all of the highs and all of the lows of the past few months in person, mostly at the local dive bar. I would say I'm sorry for all those times I so viciously shot down any guy who tried to interrupt our conversation, but I'm not. I can't go for that.
• my awesome friend who always seems to know where the party is, which turned out to be the best thing ever that day that I was REALLY ticked off: "This shall go down in history as the day I said 'fuck that guy!' and then had a parade!"
• my other awesome friend who also always knows where the party is and who magically texted me about going to a party on a day when I really needed someone to text me about going to a party. That Halloween party, the entire night, really, was completely out of control, and just what I needed. And our online dating Halloween costumes were on point. Mad props for your brilliant idea.
• my family, for holding out hope that I will not die alone after being eaten by the hundreds of cats I will inevitably adopt. Just know that I haven't given up hope either.
• my brother for always being right about guys. Seriously, I don't know how he does it. I give him 3 sentences about someone he's never met and I get back, "Nope. You can do better." One day I'll start listening.
• all of the very wrong men I've had some sort of emotional connection with this year. While ultimately nothing worked out, at some point you gave me a reason to keep believing that it was possible, that lightning does strike sometimes.To quote Garth Brooks, "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance." Thanks for dancing with me, even if we did step on each other's toes. (Bonus thanks to those who taught me to eat sushi. Damn, that shit is good! I still can't use chopsticks, but we can't all be good at everything. Just get me a damn fork.)
• the happily married or coupled up people I know. You're my inspiration and the reason I keep trying to find my Mr. Right.
• all my single friends. You are some amazing people and I'm so glad we're there for each other with screenshots of Tinder, stupid text exchanges, and all of our battle stories. Keep fighting the good fight. It's bound to happen for at least one of us.
• anyone I forgot. See? I didn't forget you. (Yep, still a sarcastic ass.) :)

And just for sitting through all that and all of the posts from the past few years, I'll give you an added holiday gift. Here's a text exchange from Sunday with a guy I had a thing with a couple years ago. Long story short, it was enough of a physical & emotional connection that I wanted more, but he wasn't able to give it. We weren't on the same page. Story of my life. Things have now changed and he wants the commitment while I'm not so sure (life is funny that way).

Him: "I'm at a strip club and they're so hot. Why can't I get you out of my mind?"
Me: "We always want what we can't have."
Him: "I'll leave my friends to see you."
Me: "Stay with your friends."
Him: "Ahh really? I can't come over and have a conversation?"
Me: "Negative"
Him: "I'll take 10 minutes."
Me: "You're welcome to call me but you're not coming over."
Him: "Talk about stuff. Not about us. General conversation"
Me: "You're not coming over"
Him: "So 9:33 and I can't come see you?"
Me: "No"
Him: "Damn I definitely like your style!"

I guess "cuffing season" does funny things to people. I'll be amazed if I can make it through the holidays without dying from laughter. I wish you all a Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/Hanukkah/Festivus/December and a Happy New Year full of love and joy! More to come in 2015...

Opening Up

The last few days I've seen friends post and repost a blog listing the reasons why you're still single. Reasons include not putting your phone down, too much pride, drinking too much, not being over an ex... pretty much all the standard stuff we've come to see in these types of posts. I had a hard time identifying with any of it, but I'm sure I could make one or two apply if I needed to. In all reality, I can tell you exactly why I'm single. Ready for it?

Vulnerability sucks.

I am a generally happy person who enjoys a large majority of great days thanks to wonderful people, a great job, and an overall fantastic life. I very much enjoy waking up in the morning and knowing that my day will be exactly what I make of it. Opening yourself up, letting someone else in, and being vulnerable now means that some outsider can have an impact on your mood, your day, your outlook. When everything is peachy, it's not really an issue. Maybe someone fantastic has put some extra pep in your step or made you eyes a little brighter and your smile a little wider. But we all know that even the best relationships aren't perfect 100% of the time, and eventually even the love of your life will leave you hurt, disappointed, or angry. That can really screw up your day.

I know somebody out there is saying that you shouldn't let someone else's actions or inaction have an impact on you, and that you should toughen up and give zero fucks, but that's no way to live, and that's really not how any of this is supposed to work. I've spent the better part of a decade as a single woman, and much of that time comes from not letting anyone in so I couldn't be let down. That's absolutely not the way to do it. You're not only missing out on heartache that way, you're also quite likely missing out on something amazing. Do not do what I once did.

Pain from vulnerability isn't exclusive to romantic relationships either. It can happen with friends; it can happen with family. No matter who it is or what type of relationship you have, when someone doesn't live up to your expectations it sucks. Every. Single. Time.

So what are you supposed to do? If closing yourself off isn't the answer, what is? Communication seems like a great start. Talk it out, see if things improve. If they don't, walk away. Keep yourself from a backslide by adopting this phrase: "I'm sorry he got hit by that bus. I didn't even get to say goodbye." (Disclaimer: no one should actually be hit by a bus. It's just a mindset, not a plan of action. I'm only saying this because I know how some of you who read my nonsense can be...)

You may be tempted to build back the walls that you had started to tear down. Again on the personal experience, this is a bad idea. Building up, tearing down, build back up again, tear down, repeat... it's goddamn exhausting and a great way to get burned out on the entire process. Try to avoid this.

Take a deep breath and find that tiny voice buried deep inside you that is reminding you to keep the faith. Listen to that voice and hope the next time you kiss a frog will be the last time.

Perspective

There were so many posts I wanted to write last week, but somewhere over the course of this blog I promised myself to never post while hormonal, so I didn't. Considering my mood last week ran the gamut of emotions - happy, sad, disappointed, energetic, angry - you were all spared and you're welcome.

Here's a recap of anything of relevance since the last post:

1. I haven't posted in a while because I'm seeing someone. hahaha j/k If someone ever manages to make it past date #4 I'm holding a press conference.

2. According to Steve Harvey, date #4 is when people show their true selves. I don't quite remember the logic there, but I've found it to be surprisingly accurate.

3. I have read both of Steve Harvey's dating books, thanks to my mother gifting them to me. Many things don't apply, but some of them made me sit upright and automatically understand certain people better.

4. It's pretty grand when you run into "somebody that you used to know" (thanks, Gotye) and it has no impact on you. Moving on is a good thing.

5. One day when I was feeling particularly courageous/insane, I met 2 guys from a dating app. I met Patrick for lemonade in the early afternoon (that's no euphemism, we really drank lemonade in a cafe in the afternoon) and ran into Frank at a bar that night. Neither of them had used real names on their profiles. When Patrick introduced himself by his real name, I gave him one of these (because I have no poker face):

When I met Frank and he admitted to the same thing, I looked at him and flat out said, "Are you kidding me with this? Two of you in one day?" One of them had a semi-justifiable reason, neither of them get real consideration.

6. I started taking aerial silks classes about a month ago. I have yet to find words to describe how much I enjoy it. It's one hell of a workout, but it's so much fun. If you told me to do 40 jumping jacks, 30 push ups and plank for a minute or two in my living room, I would laugh at you and go back to sitting on my couch. But when I have to do that before I'm allowed to play in the sky, I'll do it twice if necessary. Sure, I leave battered and covered in bruises and silk burns, but I also leave feeling stronger and more capable than I knew I could be. There are things I can do now that I couldn't do in my first couple of classes, and there are many more things I need to master. I'm even developing guns! They look like toy water guns right now, but it's a start. I wish everyone could find something that would leave them feeling more confident, stronger, and more determined after just an hour.

7. I just looked at my fb page to see if I had missed anything that could be included here. Life has been eventful, but there hasn't been anything big on the dating scene. I did learn in the last couple of weeks that if I come across a man with real potential to be someone of serious impact, I will lose all ability to flirt. I've never been one for giggles and hair-twirling, but if you could see me in action around a man I'm into, you'd probably hug me and say "bless your heart." Case in point, I ran into a guy I knew out one afternoon. We said hello and my follow up was "ok, bye." And off I went. Smooth. Real smooth.

8. My ex-roommate got married Sunday afternoon. The ceremony and reception were wonderful (and at a place I had once booked for my own ill-fated wedding - that's right, I was briefly and misguidedly engaged once) and I am very happy for him and his new bride. It was super kind of them to give me a +1, but it was really unnecessary. I participated in all the traditional single gal events - the bouquet toss (if stepping out of the way counts as participation) and the cake pull.

For those unfamiliar with the fine NOLA tradition of cake pulls, here's a little rundown: small charms attached to ribbons are placed in the cake (sometimes baked in, sometimes frosted in). Single women identified by the bride & groom each pull a charm and learn their fate. The charms vary based on the desires of the couple, and often include a ring (next to be married) and a thimble (old maid). 

When you find yourself 31 and single, you tend to have a permanent place on the cake pull roster. There I was on Sunday, my fate in the hands of the ribbon I was holding, wondering what the future would hold. 

I pulled a streetcar.

It's supposed to mean that there will be travel-related good news coming my way. I'll take that!

Then I thought about the other things I've pulled. I have 2 Bourbon Street signs, 1 crawfish, a newly-acquired streetcar, a ring and a thimble. Do the ring and thimble cancel each other out? I certainly hope so. Considering all the ways I find to constantly enjoy my awesome city, I guess all the other pulls have been pretty accurate.

Put all of those things together and here's what I know for sure: I may not have a designated +1 for weddings and events, but I have the makings of one fabulous charm bracelet and some pretty great memories to go with it! It's all about perspective. :)

Being Phenomenal

Maya Angelou passed away today. Her poetry was such an inspiration to me and, at times, a crutch. My grandparents gave me one of her books when I was in high school. (Grandpa suspects it was I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I suspect it was The Complete Collected Poems of Maya Angelou. When I return home from work and extracurriculars this evening, one glance at my bookshelf will prove one of us right, or perhaps both of us wrong.) Regardless of which book it was, I can to this day - some 14+ years later - recite "Still I Rise" and "Phenomenal Woman." (Oddly enough, I was quite literally reciting the former while running water for my bath last night. First time I've done that in years.) Whether I was facing adversity, heartache, or a tough decision, I could rely on one of those poems to help me see things a little more clearly and be my best self in the process. Her passing breaks my heart, but her words will live forever.

Her death has caused a flood of her words, thoughts, and poems on social media today. I have clicked on just about every list, article and gallery I have seen related to her, and that's led to some of my own reflection. For a moment I debated bringing Dr. Angelou's wisdom in on a conversation about online dating, as doing so may be doing her a disservice, but I think this angle may make it ok. We shall see.

I deleted one of my profiles on Sunday. I had 2 of them, and still have one, but the other is gone. The one app I kept allows you to only have conversation once mutual attraction has been established. I have heard the arguments that the app is superficial and that you're only judging people based on their pictures and a few words on a screen. Let's not be ridiculous here - that's what all online dating is. I don't care what platform you're using; your decisions are based on pictures and words. This particular one just makes it more obvious that this is how your decisions are made. The one I deleted allows any one person to contact any other person. It doesn't matter if I specify a 40 mile radius, I can - and have been - contacted by people thousands of miles away. It doesn't matter if I specify an age range, older and younger folks have reached out.

My growing frustration over the messages from people I just wasn't interested in was causing me to be snarky, dismissive, and sometimes to just outright ignore people. Let me not be mistaken, I am a sarcastic person. The snark is nothing new. But this was making it worse. Someone I care for deeply once told me how much he hated my sarcasm, and I've been making a conscious effort to be better about it, and this was just making it worse. I've felt much better since I deleted it. The other app remains, but less utilized than it had been. 

I still have a hard time believing the man for me will first cross my path on a website or on an app. I think it's fantastic for all of those people who have found love and happiness that way, but I have struggled with and continue to struggle with the idea that my story, our story, unfolds that way. I prefer to think we'll both be attending the same concert, or trivia night, or festival, or something else I have gone to for a very specific purpose, only to walk away with so much more. The result will be a couple of ordinary people with an extraordinary love.

"Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope."

Part of what has been holding me back from that extraordinary thing is that I had lost sight of who I was lately and had been shifting into someone else, a person I was pretty sure I would not like if I had met her on the street. Realizing that was half the battle. Now that some burdens have been removed and unnecessary weight has been lifted, I'm going to look to Dr. Angelou for wisdom as I have done many times before. 

"We have to confront ourselves. Do we like what we see in the mirror? And, according to our light, according to our understanding, according to our courage, we will have to say yea or nay — and rise!"

Time to "put a little starch in [my] backbone" and rise. Some friends looked on in awe as I did a kind, unprompted thing for a stranger over the weekend. My response to them was, "I can be nice, just not to single men." That needs to stop. If I can be unafraid to drop from high in the air in my aerials class, I can, as Dr. Angelou said, "have enough courage to love." Changes to your soul, to your core, don't happen overnight. But we are an ever-evolving species, and with the right attitude, hard work, and the motivation and inspiration of the amazing people in my life, I will continue to grow and improve and, if I'm lucky, become half the "phenomenal woman" Dr. Angelou was.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need for my care.
’Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

So Much Stuff I Made a Listicle

The last couple of weeks have been nothing short of insane. Lots of mostly good stuff, a few obnoxious moments. Let's save us all from multiple posts and just have a listicle instead! (And let's take a moment to either laugh or eye roll - or both - at the word "listicle.") These are in no particular order.

1. James Marsden on screen is sexy. James Marsden in person is even better.

2. I am a football girl, always have been and always will be. I like other sports (basketball, NASCAR, soccer), but baseball has always bored me to tears. I can get behind the college world series, but MLB and I don't get along. That said, baseball players are some good looking fellas.

3. Finding out the next day that the minor league baseball player you flirted with all night actually has a major league contract might blow your mind a little. In a world full of people who want to announce how they're kind of a big deal, it's super refreshing when someone just doesn't do that.

4. Physical violence is never the answer to whatever problem you're having. In all reality, if you take a deep breath and step back, the problem may not be as big as it seems. I don't care what someone said about your cell phone, your mama, your significant other, your job or your pet, there's just no good reason for hitting someone. And if you're getting physical because you think women find it sexy, you're wrong. Sure, some chick somewhere might like that, but I hope you two never find each other because the world just doesn't need the chaos that would ensue.

5. Australian accents are great. Australian accents on attractive men are better. Hearing an attractive man with an Australian accent tell you that you're "fucking gorgeous" may result in an uncontrollable giggle fit.

6. I may be the world's worst flirt. "I'd like to buy you a drink because... you... look... thirsty?"

7. "I'm looking for someone who wants to hit it and not quit it" is a great phrase. It is appearing in this blog because I said it would.

8. Sometimes you really like a person and do nothing about it except harbor a crush. And then life gets in the way and time and distance keep you from seeing each other and you think you're over it, but then one day your paths cross and you realize you're not. When that happens, you come to the realization that maybe it's time to man up or move on, because you're doing a disservice to yourself and wonderful single men around you by not being fully available.

9. I am absolutely terrified to man up.

10. It's highly likely that I'm not fully available (as opposed to the constant accusation that I'm exceptionally picky).

11. Those last 3 points could have all been put under one number, but I spaced them out as a tribute to Peter King and his inability to make a numbered list in any way that makes sense.

a. In full tribute to Peter King, I'm throwing in a letter that doesn't belong because that is how bad his lists are.

12. I can't get behind the idea of being with someone because you're content with each other. As my Graunt, aka the voice of reason, would ask me anytime I had a past relationship issue, "Are you happy?" Happy and content are not the same thing, and I refuse to settle for the latter.

13. If you "meet" someone online and then find yourself apologizing for your behavior before you even meet in person, this probably does not bode well.

14. The award for worst possible suggestion for the first in-person meet up with someone from the internet surely goes to the guy who wanted to meet me in the ICU waiting room of a local hospital. There is nothing ok about that suggestion.

15. Tinder is hilarious. What is not funny is when a stranger walks up to you and says, "I just swiped right on you." This happened to a friend of mine Friday night. Ladies and gents of internet dating, let's all remember to try not to be creepy.

16. It's unfortunate that "yolo" has been associated with stupid people doing stupid things. Life should be celebrated and we should all embrace the one shot at it that we each have and enjoy the hell out of it.

I think that's a good place to stop. It really has been a wild couple of weekends, and I'm sure I missed something, but I can surely address any omissions later. Seriously, though, what kind of guy suggests meeting up in a hospital waiting room? Who are these weirdos that I attract?? Time to get back to swiping.

And Then There Were None

Bear with me here, folks, as this is all very fresh on my mind since it really just wrapped up within the last couple of hours. I was briefly seeing two guys, and then one guy, and now zero guys. We know what went down with one of them - he made me feel unwelcome in my own home and was just really not the right guy for me. Water under the bridge and incredibly easy to move on from (seriously, no love lost for a guy who flips out about shrimp). As for the other one...

I liked him. I really did and still do (naturally, I mean this all JUST happened). I enjoyed seeing him, spending time with him and talking to him. I was proceeding with caution, mostly because that's just how I operate, and also because, as he put it, we were pretty mismatched. I came to realize he was right about that and that we likely had an expiration date, but I was still willing and perfectly happy to continue on like we had until we just couldn't anymore. I didn't realize that time would come so soon.

It doesn't matter if you've been with someone for years or months, it still sucks when you agree that it's over. There are varying degrees of heartache, and this certainly isn't to the extent of sobbing into ice cream and cursing men, but there have been a couple tears today and there may be a couple more when I get home from work later. I'm an emotional being and I'm always sad to see something come to an end, even if I know deep down inside it wasn't meant to be. I also have this nagging feeling in my gut that there's more to the story, and while I tend to question my gut, it's such a strong feeling that I just can't question it. I'm trying to ignore it, though, partly because I can't do anything about it and partly because it really, really, REALLY pisses me off. And that's as far as I'm going to get into that one because I've already been passive aggressive enough about it.

I guess now it's time for this female Ted Mosby to get back on the proverbial horse. And if, should the time come for this blog to end with a happily ever after, I end up with someone I've known all along, you're all more than welcome to throw tomatoes at me or something. For now, the story continues...

You're Fired

It's been a frustrating morning. We had to reschedule a work function due to the threat of bad weather. It's a logical cancellation and I'm sure we will have a great event on the new date, but I'm still frustrated.

Remember in the last post how I mentioned having a less than spectacular 4th date with one of the 2 guys I've been seeing? That's part of the source of my work frustration. After a night that was so miserable I really thought the only way to end it was for me to run screaming from my own home, I heard nothing from him for a little while. Then he tried to claim his attempt at sarcasm just wasn't good. Really? What kind of crazy person tells the same bad joke for 2 hours? I'm not even close to foolish enough to believe that nonsense. That was followed up with a series of texts that made zero sense, followed by an explanation that those strange texts were the result of him being "over served" alcohol at an event. Nothing was making that terrible date any better. If anything, it all just kept getting worse. Then he asked me on Friday if I was free to meet up that night. I was not, as I was sitting in a nosebleed seat at the Elton John concert (a show I had mentioned going to no less than 8 times in the course of a week; it was amazing, BTW). I reminded him I was at the show, he said to enjoy myself, and that was that. Haven't heard much from him since, and I'm not complaining.

What does all of that long-winded storytelling have to do with my work function? He is supposed to attend that event (we work in the same industry). So even though I haven't heard from him in a good little bit, I knew I would see him tomorrow. I suspected he may say something or hint at something or, I don't know, something might come up and I have been preparing myself for the time that I have to be an adult and say, "This isn't working for me" or "I'm just not feeling this anymore" or "we should just be friends" or "you're fired" or "you're an ass clown." And now that moment has been taken from me (thanks, Mother Nature). I realize there is the distinct possibility that his radio silence is a solid indication he isn't feeling it either, which would be awesome, but sometimes you just really want to know that one door is completely closed so that you can really focus on the one that is open.

What's a girl to do?

On a much brighter note, I made a complete fool out of myself on a date with the other guy (who I guess at this point technically becomes the guy) last weekend and he has been totally cool about it. Word to the wise - that old adage "beer before liquor, never been sicker" is totally and completely accurate. Trust me on that and save yourself the embarrassment of learning it the hard way. I'll be much better about that this weekend, that's for sure!