And Now You're Back

It took me all week to figure out what this week's post should discuss.  Not because it was an uneventful week, but actually because the week was so eventful I had a hard time picking one thing.  I briefly entertained the idea of giving you the schizophrenic post where I wrote about everything on my mind, but I decided against that.  I'll give you a taste at what those things were, though:

1. A blog post listing 5 "signs" why you may be addicted to being single (can be found here: http://www.yourtango.com/proconnect/201085438/5-signs-you-are-addicted-being-single).  One day I thought it was stupid, another day I was outraged.  Then I realized that, while their signs don't apply to me, I probably am addicted to being single. Oh well. There are worse things I could be addicted to. (Something to think about - maybe I pushed commitment on former-FWB, knowing full well that the answer would be no, in order to get out of the quasi-relationship and get back to being 100% single. hmm..... wouldn't be the first time....)
2. Another blog post with 5 reasons - this one rattling of reasons why she stopped seeing you (http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=12145&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=706373).  The preview made me think I could read this and then explore it in-depth in my blog.  But then I read the article and it isn't worth the time it has already been given.  The gist of it is that basically the guy did something he never knew he did that the woman deemed a red flag and moved on.  That's right, it's not you.  It's us and our crazy checklists that we keep stored in our minds. "He made me split the check, so I excused myself for the bathroom and jumped out the window." Happens all the time.
3. Other ideas that now escape me.... maybe I'll remember them for next week.  Then again, maybe I won't.

So what was the winner for this week's post?  It all started with a song and spiraled out of control from there.  I watch VH1's Jumpstart every morning (yes, I see the same music videos every morning all week long. I happen to enjoy it.) and I saw this new one from Christina Perri.  It's called "Jar of Hearts" and it's a haunting, sad, go screw yourself song aimed at an ex (enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM).  Some memorable lines from the song include, "You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul" and "Now you're back. You don't get to get me back."  Really, it's great stuff.

Before you get all wild with ideas, no, this is not aimed at anyone.  I don't belt it out in my car as the anthem for that jerk I once dated at some point in my life.  That's what got me thinking about this week's post, actually, that I don't really have a jerk in my past that would apply to that song.  There is only one guy I would think of as that big of a jerk and I don't think he'd have the balls to even attempt to try to reconnect.

So my wild train of thought then took me to the rest of the exes (there weren't that many... 5 total, including aforementioned jerk) and even guys who weren't officially "boyfriend," but who played some sort of supporting role in my life.  If one of them showed back up in my life, would it be a good idea to try again?

For a long time I was of the belief that relationships should be one and done things.  We had our chance, it didn't work, now we both move on with our lives but there will never again be an "us."  This was a crazy idea brought about by the only guy who ever managed to get a second chance.  Clearly, it didn't work.  After that I thought, "what a waste" and vowed to never do that again.  While I was giving him a second chance, I could've been dating someone better for me - or no one at all!  But now I'm thinking that, depending on the situation, the people and the relationship, maybe second chances aren't bad ideas after all.

In cases of right time, wrong person (which I know all too well, sadly), I'd say a reunion is a bad idea.  Unless it's something like he was the wrong person because he smoked like a chimney, but he quit and has been smoke-free for 2 years, then maybe.  But if he's the wrong person because he's immature or a serial killer or tells really racist jokes, then don't wait around for him to become the right person.  Odds are, he won't.  And if he does, good for him, but you still shouldn't wait around for him.  Move on with your life and if he catches up and it works for you, then good.  If not, then tough cookies.

But in cases of right person, wrong time, maybe it's a good idea to try again if you're given the opportunity.  Then you've got right person, right time, and success and happiness and rainbows and kittens and whatnot. (I will not lie, there is at least one person who comes to mind in this scenario. Is it one-sided? Probably, but a girl can dream.)

And just because the fates think it's really funny to screw with my head and my poor little heart, they unleashed a great deal of insanity and chaos on me since the last post.  I started listening to Christina Perri and reliving past relationships and other romantic encounters and what happens?  Texts from exes (and some non-exes) start flooding my phone, FB messages start coming in, and I even ran into one ex at a football game.  I thought about saying hello to the family of one of my other exes at the same football game, just to complete the ex-boyfriend trifecta (contact with 3 exes in about 5 days), but I passed on that one.  It would've been too much.  If these are signs, I don't know what they're supposed to mean.  My relationship guru tried talking sense into me, saying that getting texted by a guy means he's thinking of me.  My response: "That's all well and good, but one 'hey, what's up?' text doesn't make me giddy like a schoolgirl."

The reality of it is that none of this matters.  I could spend all day wondering what would happen if one of my former flames wanted to reconnect, but it's not happening in real life.  What ifs are fun for daydreaming, but they won't get you very far.  And I don't want to be the person who lives life wrapped up in "what ifs" because that kind of person misses out on actually enjoying life as it comes.  So IF there's a guy out there still holding on to old feelings for me and IF he decides he wants to try again, the answer is... I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Wearing an Invisible Crown

For this week's post we're going to talk about confidence.  Confidence is the key to success, whether you're trying to pick up somebody at a bar or coffee shop or trying to work your way up the ladder at work.  A healthy dose of confidence can go a long, long way.

The past three years were definitely not easy ones for me.  I had a terrible breakup, a move to a strange state, a job that kept me away from home for months at a time, a best friend who moved to the other side of the world, and some serious weight gain.  After the first year and a half of all that mess, I was one sad, lonely, miserable girl.  My self esteem plummeted.  My smile turned into a frown.  Life sucked.

Almost a year ago (4 months before I moved back home from North Carolina), I decided I had enough.  I got a temporary job at a non-profit where I met amazing people and started taking care of myself physically and emotionally.  It's been a long battle to get back to happy, but I made it.  I was talking to my mom the other day about some crazy things I'm plotting and she said what's great about it is that I have this attitude about me where I'm willing to take risks and try crazy things that I would have scoffed at last year.

I've seen the changes happening, but I really noticed it on my trip back to Charlotte.  On Friday night, my brother, his roommate, the roommate's girlfriend, and I all hit up some Uptown bars and partied like crazy people.  I've been to these same places with the same people in the past, and I remember having a decent time, but not doing much dancing and instead doing a lot of standing around acting like a wallflower.  I wasn't the type of girl to approach a stranger or dance alone.  This weekend, though, things were very different.  I approached LOTS of strangers and I had no problem dancing alone.  Most of the time, I'd start rocking out to a song and some strange guy would show up to dance with me (this was great except for the redneck boys who thought it was appropriate to grind to the Motown remix. So not cool.).  I'm sure part of the fun was the result of my living in the moment attitude, a byproduct of walking around with the idea that I was only there for a weekend and I wanted to enjoy every second of it.  But part of it was also because I'm happy with myself and I was determined to have a great time, without giving any thought to what someone else might think or say.  And you know what? It was fantastic!!

Now, for your reading pleasure, some of those fantastic encounters with strangers:

I saw a group of about 6 guys in suits all standing around in between the bar and dance floor.  This was a strange thing to see, as the bar we were at is owned by a popular NASCAR driver and was full of redneck race fans.  I thought, "What's the deal with the suits?"  So I approached the group to find out.
Me: Hey guys, I appreciate that you suited up.  This bar needed a little class.  Unfortunately, you're late.
Random Suit Guy: What do you mean? What are we late for?
Me: International Suit Up Day was Wednesday.  Today is Friday. You are late.  [I think only 2 of the 6 got my How I Met Your Mother reference.  3 of them have an excuse for being Canadian.]
Other Random Suit Guy: Better late than never, right? Besides, it's always a good day to wear a suit.
Another Random Suit Guy: Yeah, you dressed up. So we thought we should, too. It was the nice thing to do.
Me: I appreciate that.  So really, what gives with the suits?
1st Suit Guy: We're here for a convention.  We came straight out once it was over.
Me: A convention, you say?  Where are y'all from?
Them: Canada, Canada, Canada, Chicago, Michigan, Montana [that last one may have been Florida, I don't remember].  What about you?
Me: New Orleans
Them: Wooo!!! New Orleans! So you know how to party? I love New Orleans!!
Me: Of course I know how to party. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go dance.  Feel free to join me. [2 of them did.]

Sure there was a little liquid courage involved that had me approaching 6 guys to find out why they wore suits to a redneck bar, but there was also a good deal of plain old confidence.  The way I saw it, what were the odds that all 6 of them would remain completely silent when approached by a lone girl?  I got the answer I was looking for and got to dance with a couple of Canadians.  It was a win-win situation.

At one point, I was walking back to the dance floor from the bathroom when a random guy grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him.  He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Finally! You found me!"  Old me would have shyly laughed and walked away.  New me was having none of that and decided to play along.

Me: About time.  I have been looking everywhere for you.  I was just about to give up and hang out with that guy [pointing at one of his friends].
Him: Really?
Me: Yep.  I thought you were hiding from me.  But now that I've found you and you've found me, we don't have to worry about that anymore. [the confused look on his face was priceless, as was the sad puppy look on his friend's face]

We did the name-exchange thing, and I found out there were 4 of them.  The 2 friends, some other guy who had found himself some girl, and the married friend.  Married guy quickly became my ally starting with this exchange:

Me: So, where are y'all from?
Guy 1: New York
Me: New York? That's awesome! [at this point, I see married guy shaking his head]..... Wait a second, your friend is shaking his head. Where are you really from?
Guy 1: New York.
Me: Married guy - what's the truth here?  Clearly you guys aren't from New York.  And as we all know, it is a rule that married guys have to tell the truth. [my brother's roommate later asked when this became a rule. It became a rule when I made it up at that moment. Married guy believed it, so it's a rule. That simple.]
Guy 1: Fine.... we're from New Jersey.

I spent the better part of the night dancing with the guys from Jersey.  I'd switch it up between guy 1 and his dejected, sad puppy friend.  We had a great time, even ended up dancing on the stage at one point.  While hanging out with my Jersey friends, I noticed two giants (seriously, at least 7 feet tall each) in tuxedo t-shirts.  I had a hunch those boys were from my home state, so I approached them.  Sure enough, they were.  I can't explain the drunk girl logic used to determine guys in tuxedo t-shirts at North Carolina bars must be from Louisiana, but I'm sure it stems from the same logic that determined married guys must tell the truth.  Again, I have to emphasize that a year ago I would have wondered if those guys in goofy tuxedo shirts were from Louisiana without ever finding out for sure.  They were giants capable of squishing my head with their hands - I certainly never would have approached them, not with a group of friends and definitely not alone.  But on Friday night, you would have thought I owned that bar and that I was the queen of the East Coast.

I spent the rest of my weekend getaway with that kind of "I'm awesome" attitude.  I had the time of my life and didn't have a care in the world.  So what if my hair was wind-blown or my mascara was running? I was happy and having fun.  Did I wear head-to-toe LSU gear to the NASCAR race Saturday night, prompting lots of strange looks from people?  Sure did, but it also was a great conversation starter and I was quite surprised at the number of times I heard "Geaux Tigers" from random people in the crowd.

I have reached a point in my life where I am happy with who I am and where my life is going.  No, I'm not making the kind of money I hoped to be making at 28 with two college degrees, but I love both of my jobs and the places they can take me.  And no, I don't have a guy by my side to share my life with, but I have friends and family who are along for the ride.  I have a positive energy about me that makes me feel like anything is possible.

So remember, a little confidence and a positive attitude can make a big difference. Sure, a little substance to back it up doesn't hurt, but even that isn't totally necessary. (Just look at Kim Kardashian - she was a nobody until her sex tape came out, then she started acting like she owned Hollywood and now she's everywhere, even without any discernible talent.)  I encourage you to go out there into the world and act like you have a crown on your head.  Be happy with who you are and where your life is going and kick some ass!  You may be surprised at where life takes you when you learn to really live and enjoy each day.

Getting Older, Wiser, and Stronger

First, I want to thank all of you who called, texted or sent me facebook messages in response to last week's post.  I appreciate your love and support immensely.  I also appreciate that 85% of your messages centered on my use of the word "hornball" and that 100% of those who contacted me were male.  You're all too wonderful for words, even those of you who wish to encourage my questionable behavior.

Moving on.... Since last week's post, a few notable things have happened.  We'll start small and work our way up.  Last week's post was mentioned on TresSugar (thanks!) and at last count it was approaching 700 views.  This did funny things for my sense of confidence in this little old blog, and as a result, Confessions of an Online Dating Queen now has its own facebook page.  So if you like reading about my journey to find my prince on a white horse, find me on facebook and like the page.  You'll get all the latest and greatest and maybe even some bizarre status updates.  Doesn't that sound like fun?

In less than fun news, the same day I told Mr. Can't Commit to stay out of my bed, my apartment flooded.  It happened that night while I was conveniently out of town.  Some valve broke and it just kept gushing water until it eventually got into my neighbor's apartment the next morning.  Maintenance took care of pretty much everything involving cleanup, but it was my job to take care of my stuff.  I can't begin to explain how incredibly hard it was to resist the urge to play damsel in distress and call up my former FWB.  I was even encouraged to do so by a friend of mine.  But I decided this guy needed to be out of my life, and I was determined to keep it that way.  Somehow I found strength I didn't know I had and managed to get through this mess and chaos by myself.  My mom came by the next day to help me out, but even she saw how much I had done and said there wasn't really anything for her to do.  While I really wanted to break down and cry, I channeled all of my frustration, anger, and other funky emotions into determination.  I managed to move all of my furniture off the wet floor and into the very small dry spots of the apartment without anyone there to help.  A friend of mine said it was awesome that I did all that alone, but that I'd certainly be sore the next day.  And I was a little sore, but I was also incredibly impressed with myself.  Who knew that I could move a queen-sized bed?  Or a bookcase full of crap?  I did it all, and it felt great!  I realized I don't need a man around to help me through tough times, or to move furniture or make suggestions on how to deal with the funky smell that's probably the result of mold.  Go help an old lady cross a street or something, because I've got this and I don't need to be rescued.

In happier news, I had my 10 year high school reunion Friday night.  I co-planned the event with one of my best friends, and everything went really well.  The party was successful, people had fun, and they thanked us for putting it on.  What more could you ask for?  It was great seeing everyone again and catching up with old friends.  Most of the conversations centered on the usual where do you live/what do you do stuff, but the majority of us are connected on facebook, so we could forgo the typical chat.  Here were some of the conversations I had with those guys:

Guy 1: So what's this blog thing I see you put on facebook?
Me: It's my life, basically.
Guy 1: So you're online dating?
Me: Not anymore.  I quit that part. Now it's just about the rest of my attempts at dating.
Guy 1: You don't need online dating.  You'll find someone great someday.  (awww... how sweet is that guy?)

Guy 2: So.... are you seeing anybody?
Me: No.
Guy 2: Not even a little bit?
Me: No.
Guy 2: Not even, like, FWB or talking to somebody?
Me: No. (The conversation probably would have gone further, but at that point I was pulled away to do the Cupid Shuffle. Or was it the Bunny Hop? I can't remember.)

Guy 3: When did you get hot?
Me: Clearly sometime over the last 10 years.  It's hard to pinpoint the exact day, but I'd imagine it was somewhere around the time you got married.
Guy 3: Yeah, I'm married now.  But I've got single friends.
Me: Well, what are you waiting for? Hook a girl up!

So overall, the reunion went really well.  What girl doesn't want to hear she went from being the nerd girl to a hot girl?  It was a good night for me, a good night for my classmates, and I can't wait to do it again in 5 years.

Perhaps the biggest thing this week, though, is my birthday.  I'm turning 28 tomorrow and another birthday means another moment of reflection on my life thus far.  When I was a little girl, I decided the age to be married by was 27.  If I wasn't married by 27, I didn't know what I would do (probably start taking in stray cats, I guess).  I don't know why I picked that age. Maybe it was because I was 10 and 17 years seemed like more than enough time to find Mr. Right.  Maybe it seemed like a good age to get married and still leave time to have my first child before turning 30.  Well, 28 is upon me and, needless to say, I failed to meet my goal.  I even had a fallback guy in place, and that didn't work out either.  That's right, I made a pact with a guy friend back when I was 18 or so that if we weren't each married by the time I was 27 we would marry each other.  He got married last year, so that killed my backup plan.  I guess I should've had a backup backup guy.

About a year and a half ago, I met a strange foreign man on a plane who read my palm and told me I'd be married before I turned 28.  He was so sure of himself, he gave me his business card and told me to mail him a wedding invitation.  He can stop checking his mail tomorrow.  Hell, he can stop now, because getting married is definitely not on my list of things to do today.  I'm actually really happy that his prophecy didn't come true and that 27 will have come and gone without me walking down the aisle.  I like the way things are going for me right now.  With each passing day I become a little stronger, a little wiser, and a little more independent.  So bring it on, 28!  If you're anything like 27, you'll be pretty damn amazing, a little bit surprising, and a whole lot of fun.

So that's the last week in a nutshell.  I'm getting on a plane Friday for a much-needed weekend away in North Carolina.  I get to see my brother and friends I miss way too much.  I'm also planning to enjoy a wild night out at a bar and a really cold night out at a NASCAR race.  I'm going to spend the first weekend of 28 partying like a rockstar with people who are amazing.  I'm also thinking of making a game out of how much success I can have using cheesy pickup lines at the aforementioned bar and race.  I'm open to suggestions if you have some good ones for me to use.  I'm going in with the mindset of "I'm only here for the weekend and I'll never see these people again," and I can imagine only good things will come from that.  Maybe my Prince Charming will be at the bar, or at the race (I'm looking at you, Dale Jr, minus the Grizzly Adams beard), or maybe he'll be on the plane or at the airport or at Sunday brunch.  What's more likely is that I won't meet Mr. Right this weekend, but at the very least I'll come back with plenty of stories for you about Mr. Good Enough for Right Now.  Have a great weekend and I'll see y'all next week!

Life Goes On

For the last 3 months or so, I've been in an "adult relationship" with this guy (more emphasis on adult, none on relationship).  I really enjoyed the time I spent with him because, while the benefits were certainly great, so was the friendship.  The problem came in about a month ago (give or take a week) when I realized that somewhere along the way my emotions got involved and that I am not the kind of girl who can do the "no strings attached" thing.  I tried to ignore how I felt, I really did.  I kept telling myself that we had a good thing going - great conversation, great nights together - I didn't need to screw it up by mixing in feelings that probably weren't even real.  I thought that if I could just put it out of my head the emotions would eventually go away.  But no matter how hard I tried, nothing changed.

And then over the weekend I mixed equal parts alcohol, exhaustion and confusion and became crazy jealous girl.  I'm not proud of how I acted, which wasn't terrible but also wasn't very ladylike, but it made me realize I had to be honest with him and myself.  My secret was out, and there was no more denying that I actually liked the guy I'd been sleeping with (not that I sleep with guys I don't like, but you get what I'm saying).  What's a girl to do when she's falling for her FWB?  The only thing she can do - put an end to the whole arrangement.

Look, I'd love to live in some sort of fantasy world where I tell him I care for him and he shocks me by saying the feeling is mutual, but this isn't a fairy tale or a romantic comedy.  This is reality, and I know him and I knew how it would all go down.  He understood, we agreed to only see each other fully clothed, and to continue being friends like we have been for so long.  It's all good and life goes on, but I'd be lying to you and to me if I said rejection didn't suck.  It's also not something I'm too familiar with - usually I run away before anyone has the opportunity to hurt me.  I've only really been rejected twice in my life, once by the guy who cheated on me and the last time, in 2007, when the guy I'd loved for three years and planned to spend the rest of my life with decided it was best to go our separate ways (did I mention it was my birthday? or that he quoted an Eagles song in his breakup speech? therapy helps, kids). 

Luckily this was nothing like those other guys.  I hadn't invested much into whatever it was we had, so it will be really easy to move on. There are no pieces to pick up.  There will be no crying into my pillow or cursing men or playing the infamous Cee Lo Green song on repeat (though that is a really fun song... "although there's pain in my chest I still wish you the best with a f**k you").  No, there's no need for all that foolishness.  This is a simple case of he's just not that into me.  I've been saying those words to guys for months now (see every previous blog post), I was due to hear them eventually.

I'm thankful for the experience, because I learned many, many things from it - and that I need to stay away from that sort of "relationship" in the future.  But it's also made me decide that, going forward, my relationships will be moving at a snail's pace.  I need to put the physical aspect in the back of my mind and focus on getting to know people and their intentions - no more giving the milk away for free, as my mom would say (and did at one point, actually).  That would save me from future confusion or difficult conversations.  I've been exploring options to keep from "getting to know" a guy too quickly.  I thought I could give up shaving my legs, but that would be gross, not to mention I'm in a weekly dance class and I don't think anyone would appreciate that sight.  I also thought about using the granny panty chastity belt, but then I went digging through my dresser and realized I don't own any of those.  Maybe I could rely on you guys... If you hear me saying, "there's this guy" would you be so kind as to respond with "hey, hornball, keep your hands off of him?"  It probably wouldn't make any difference, but at least it gives you the opportunity to throw back an "I told you so" when things get messy.

I'm sure I'll figure something out, but in the meantime I'll focus on the positives - there was a guy out there who thought I was hot, enjoyed having a real conversation and apparently thought the rest was good enough to keep coming back for more.  So what if he didn't want to keep me all to himself?  Someone else out there will.