For the last 3 months or so, I've been in an "adult relationship" with this guy (more emphasis on adult, none on relationship). I really enjoyed the time I spent with him because, while the benefits were certainly great, so was the friendship. The problem came in about a month ago (give or take a week) when I realized that somewhere along the way my emotions got involved and that I am not the kind of girl who can do the "no strings attached" thing. I tried to ignore how I felt, I really did. I kept telling myself that we had a good thing going - great conversation, great nights together - I didn't need to screw it up by mixing in feelings that probably weren't even real. I thought that if I could just put it out of my head the emotions would eventually go away. But no matter how hard I tried, nothing changed.
And then over the weekend I mixed equal parts alcohol, exhaustion and confusion and became crazy jealous girl. I'm not proud of how I acted, which wasn't terrible but also wasn't very ladylike, but it made me realize I had to be honest with him and myself. My secret was out, and there was no more denying that I actually liked the guy I'd been sleeping with (not that I sleep with guys I don't like, but you get what I'm saying). What's a girl to do when she's falling for her FWB? The only thing she can do - put an end to the whole arrangement.
Look, I'd love to live in some sort of fantasy world where I tell him I care for him and he shocks me by saying the feeling is mutual, but this isn't a fairy tale or a romantic comedy. This is reality, and I know him and I knew how it would all go down. He understood, we agreed to only see each other fully clothed, and to continue being friends like we have been for so long. It's all good and life goes on, but I'd be lying to you and to me if I said rejection didn't suck. It's also not something I'm too familiar with - usually I run away before anyone has the opportunity to hurt me. I've only really been rejected twice in my life, once by the guy who cheated on me and the last time, in 2007, when the guy I'd loved for three years and planned to spend the rest of my life with decided it was best to go our separate ways (did I mention it was my birthday? or that he quoted an Eagles song in his breakup speech? therapy helps, kids).
Luckily this was nothing like those other guys. I hadn't invested much into whatever it was we had, so it will be really easy to move on. There are no pieces to pick up. There will be no crying into my pillow or cursing men or playing the infamous Cee Lo Green song on repeat (though that is a really fun song... "although there's pain in my chest I still wish you the best with a f**k you"). No, there's no need for all that foolishness. This is a simple case of he's just not that into me. I've been saying those words to guys for months now (see every previous blog post), I was due to hear them eventually.
I'm thankful for the experience, because I learned many, many things from it - and that I need to stay away from that sort of "relationship" in the future. But it's also made me decide that, going forward, my relationships will be moving at a snail's pace. I need to put the physical aspect in the back of my mind and focus on getting to know people and their intentions - no more giving the milk away for free, as my mom would say (and did at one point, actually). That would save me from future confusion or difficult conversations. I've been exploring options to keep from "getting to know" a guy too quickly. I thought I could give up shaving my legs, but that would be gross, not to mention I'm in a weekly dance class and I don't think anyone would appreciate that sight. I also thought about using the granny panty chastity belt, but then I went digging through my dresser and realized I don't own any of those. Maybe I could rely on you guys... If you hear me saying, "there's this guy" would you be so kind as to respond with "hey, hornball, keep your hands off of him?" It probably wouldn't make any difference, but at least it gives you the opportunity to throw back an "I told you so" when things get messy.
I'm sure I'll figure something out, but in the meantime I'll focus on the positives - there was a guy out there who thought I was hot, enjoyed having a real conversation and apparently thought the rest was good enough to keep coming back for more. So what if he didn't want to keep me all to himself? Someone else out there will.
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