Only 6 days to go until my account on the paid dating site is deactivated forever. So far, I have absolutely nothing to show for it. Nada. Zip. Zilch. I haven't been on one date this month at all, let alone with anyone I met online. My profile has been viewed almost 500 times in the last 21 days and I have exchanged messages with 40+ men, and I still have nothing.
Well, maybe that's not entirely true. No, I haven't had any dates through the site, but it isn't exactly right that I have nothing to show for it. I've learned something about myself through this process, and that is that I can be picky. Hey, I didn't say I learned something great about myself, but it's something. I've been accused of being picky by friends and loved ones and I always shrugged it off. I can't do that anymore. It's a fact. I am picky when it comes to internet dating.
I've always believed that you should have some standards, some non-negotiables. One of mine is smoking. If you're a smoker, I'm not interested. If you only smoke when you drink, I'm still not interested. An occasional cigar with the boys, I can handle that, but that's as far as it goes. If you are trying to quit or plan to quit one day, good for you! Call me when that day actually comes. There's a reason for my intense hatred of smoking, and it goes back to when I was a child and almost lost my grandpa to a heart attack that was the direct result of his smoking. So yeah, that's a non-negotiable.
Another one of my non-negotiables is chemistry. I've touched on this before, the idea of there being a "spark." I know lots of guys I enjoy being around and have great conversations with, but that doesn't mean I want to see them naked. Likewise, I know some guys who are unbelievably hot, but there's nothing more to it than physical attraction. I want both. I want to have physical and emotional chemistry with someone, not one or the other.
Everything else - the age range, liking sports, proximity to where I live, education, etc - it's all open for discussion. The problem with internet dating, though, is that when I put in my age range and proximity, combined with my preference for non-smokers, I ended up with lots of messages going to my filtered mail (as in, this guy sent you something, but he doesn't meet your criteria). This happened so often that the site asked me if I wanted to remove my smoking preference. Absolutely not! But when I looked at the profiles of those who messaged, winked or simply viewed my page, I was met with the opportunity to be pickier than normal. It's easy to remove all the smokers. But then comes chemistry. If your profile doesn't do it for me, I move on. Same for pictures (or lack thereof - not having a picture is automatic removal). If our messages or chats seemed forced or pointless, I'm out. On one hand, I feel like there's a whole host of men out there who would have had a better chance if we had encountered each other in real life as opposed to on the internet. But on the other hand, if my gut feeling is "don't bother" than why should I? When is your gut feeling ever wrong?
I've made some exceptions along the way. I've contacted people who winked, responded to people who were too young, too old or too far away. I still haven't had any dates from it, so did it really make a difference? Maybe I spent the last 3 weeks shooting myself in the foot. Maybe my disdain for internet dating got in the way of my chance at finding something special. Maybe, but then again, maybe Mr. Right doesn't have a profile online. Either way, I'm no longer holding out hope that my next great romance will begin with a message on a dating site, but I'm ok with that.
I know fairy tales aren't real, and I know that the idea of finding "the one" gets pretty depressing once you look at the numbers and the odds of it happening, but I know that now is not the time to throw in the towel. I know that love exists - I've seen it in my parents' marriage and many others - and I know that it's out there for me. When the time is right, it will happen.
For now, I'm going to enjoy the holidays and spending them with the people who matter. I'm also going to spend the next week or so thanking my brother for his new relationship and for bringing the girlfriend home to meet the family, as it will hopefully take some of the pressure off of me. I'm going to do some cooking, laughing, eating, giving and celebrating, and I hope you do the same. Merry Christmas, everyone!
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