I Dreamed a Little Dream

I had a dream last night about my wedding. It was beautiful and simple and the first time I've dreamt about my wedding in, well, ever.  I couldn't tell you who the groom was because I didn't see him. I guess you can't see the face of someone you don't know in a dream.  The ceremony was simple - we eloped in Italy. I couldn't tell you any details of it because I've never been to Italy and therefore can't describe the scenery or the people or how it all worked out. But I know we weren't in Rome or Florence. We were in some small town somewhere and it was all very quaint and easy.  We didn't have friends or family there as witnesses; we just found a couple of locals who volunteered to be part of our day. Next thing I know, we're back in the US and having a reception with everyone we love. We rented out one of the riverboats in New Orleans and had one hell of a party.  There was no stress involved. No worrying about flowers or bridesmaid dresses or who to choose to be in the bridal party. It wasn't about having a bigger and better wedding than someone else.  It was about us and it was just how we wanted it to be.
So what prompted me to dream about my wedding day?  I'm not engaged and I'm no closer to being engaged than I have been at any point over the last 4 years.  It's not a matter of biological clocks or self-imposed deadlines (I gave myself one when I was in high school. I wanted to be married by the time I was 27. I will be 29 in October.).  The fact is that I've been involved in many conversations about weddings and engagements lately, so I guess it was just on my mind.  For starters, I will be a bridesmaid in a close friend's wedding in 8 months. I remember the day she got engaged and when she picked the date and I remember thinking it was so far away. Now it'll be here before we know it.  I have to buy my dress soon and start thinking of shower gifts and just how we'll torture her for her bachelorette party. So, yes, that's partly to blame for my dream.

Also to blame is my brother's former roommate (and my former roommate, as the three of us lived together for a year).  He proposed to his girlfriend yesterday, which is great and I wish them the best.  His fiance is close friends with my brother's girlfriend, so I can only imagine there will now be a delicate dance involved between the two couples - the one living the excitement of a new engagement and the requisite wedding planning and the other one going through life as a couple in love, navigating the hurdles of living together, families, jobs, and all that other fun stuff.  The engaged couple has been dating for a significantly shorter amount of time than the non-engaged couple. Some might say they're impulsive, but my parents had a total of 8 months between first date and wedding day and they've been happily married for almost 31 years.  I did have a little laugh last night when I heard the news, though, because I distinctly remember New Year's Eve and hearing our former roommate saying his resolution was to not date for a year. Now he's engaged. Who'd have thought that would be the case just a few months later?

One of my college friends came to visit last weekend and during a discussion about guys and marriage she mentioned she would like to be engaged at Christmas. That's a lofty goal, I thought, considering she's not in a serious relationship. But maybe it isn't. Maybe sometimes crazy things happen and girls get to have the fairytale romance and all their dreams come true. I know my parents were engaged after a short amount of time dating, but I like to think of them as the exception and not the rule.  The last wedding I was in - as MOH for another close friend - was two years ago and that couple dated for a few years before becoming engaged and walking down the aisle.  The wedding I'll be in in a few months follows the same pattern. I remember meeting the groom around the same time I became single 4 years ago and they dated about 3 years before becoming engaged.  That's how it works, right? You date for a while before you decide that marriage is the thing to do.  Unless you don't... Unless you're certain that the person is right and the time is right and then you just jump in head first and get hitched. 

I bet it could happen for me if I wanted it badly enough. Hell, I can think of a few guys I could call right now and say, "ok, let's be a couple" and probably end up in a serious relationship with any of them. If I tried hard enough, I could potentially be engaged by Christmas. But I won't do that. Why? Because, as my mom says, I insist on finding a guy who gets me all hot and bothered mentally and physically.  And I insist on that being the case when I'm sober, drunk or in a really bad mood. As for those guys, we don't have the right mix of those things I'm just so picky about. So I won't be calling them up or jumping into serious relationships or engaged before 2012.  And you know what? That's ok! I don't buy into the idea of settling or marrying someone because I'm approaching 30 and gosh darn it if I'm not married by the time I'm 30 I'll just die! No, that just doesn't work for me.  What does work for me is being in my dream job and being happy and successful and independent.  At some point in time, if I'm lucky and the stars align just right, I'll find that guy who has all those things I'm looking for and he'll feel about me the way I feel about him.  And then, after we've dated for whatever we decide to be a reasonable amount of time (could be 2 days or it could be 2 years), we'll run away to Italy and get married.  Then we'll go about life the way we had before we were married, except now we'll have tax breaks and I'll have to learn how to share a bed with someone.  Maybe there will be kids or maybe there won't be. I don't have all the answers and I won't make all of those decisions by myself.  For now, baby steps: finding my dream job, striking up a conversation with the guy at the bar who wants to show me his Michael Jackson dance moves (instead of laughing and walking away), and coping with the fact that Prince Charming might snore, though I really hope that's not the case.

One of Those Weekends

The weekend I had was something.  I have yet to decide if it was something remarkable or ridiculous (though I'm leaning towards the latter), but it surely was nothing short of eventful. It was a weekend where almost every minute was filled with something to do, which I tend to enjoy. Here's the recap:

Friday:
I went to a VIP party for a new bar opening up in the town where I live (not to be confused with the town I party in.... this was no VIP party in NOLA, but it was good enough).  I was told the dress code was "look nice," which I interpreted as dress for a night out but don't look like a tramp. Easy enough. Armed with my favorite LBD and some fancy new heels, I hit the road. The bar was nice, the drinks were free and I knew just about everyone there. It was a good night for the most part. The part that bothered me was how many times I was approached by guys I knew saying, "You look hot" (or some variation). I'm not one to shy away from a compliment, so that wasn't the issue. I also know that my typical look for work and home involves minimal makeup and casual clothing and that my going-out look tends to get reactions from people who aren't used to seeing me this way (I think I took She's All That to heart a little too much). My problem? Thanks for the kind words, but I believe your wife is looking for you. Not a problem if the guy is saying, "You look nice," but the word hot conjures up totally different emotions.  And the married thing was the case 98% of the time. The times when it wasn't: the bar owner told me I should get dressed up pretty and head to his bar often to "pick up chicks." I know I'm rarely ever seen with a guy (lately I just can't seem to tolerate them), but I'm not about to switch teams (that's not how that works anyway). I didn't feel a need to get on my soapbox, so I responded with a smile and "You're right. That sounds like a great idea." Conversation over. The other time was when a guy I knew to be unmarried told me he barely recognized me all dressed up. I thanked him and we started talking about how it had been a while since we'd seen each other. I remarked, "Last time I saw you, you were just moving in with your girlfriend." (I'm surprisingly smooth sometimes.) He told me that didn't work out and I started thinking this was going well... and then... one of his friends walked up and told him his girlfriend needed a refill. His face turned red, he walked away, and I spent the rest of my night hanging out "safe" people. The point is that, yes, it's nice to be noticed and complimented. But it gets really annoying when it's coming from guys who are completely unavailable - and if you have a wedding ring or a girlfriend, in my book, that makes you COMPLETELY unavailable. It's like knowing yesterday's winning lottery numbers - totally useless. Do me a favor and keep it to yourself. Obviously, should circumstances change, feel free to share your feelings, though that's no guarantee that they will be reciprocated. Which leads us to....

Saturday:
One of my BFF's was celebrating her birthday and we went to a local bar to party. It was also the night of the "official" reunion for our high school class, which was combined with the "official" reunion for the graduation class a year after us. Aforementioned friend and I threw an "unofficial" party last year (because an 11 year reunion makes no sense) and had decided against going to the recent one, but we knew almost everyone who attended would show up at the same bar. Two birds, one stone. My night was spent with lots of "I haven't seen you in soooo long!" comments and plenty of reminiscing and catching up. And then somebody played a cruel joke on me, or so it seemed. It certainly doesn't seem like reality. Not one, not 2, but 4 of the guys I spoke with told me they'd had a crush on me for a really long time. It got to the point that when the 4th guy said those words, I asked him if he was fu@$!ng kidding me and who had paid him to tell me that. Seriously, that shit doesn't happen to me... or anyone outside of a Hollywood movie. It would be different if the conversation was more like "I had the biggest crush on you but now..." That's not how it was, though. It was along the lines of "I had the biggest crush on you! I can't believe you're single and here we are." Again with the starry eyed nonsense? Stop that, fellas. I'm the girl here, not you.

Then came the pissing contests. There were conversations between guys over whether I was there with one of them, or going home with one of them, or if one was cock blocking another. Do I not get a say in any of this? The best part was that some of these guys gossip worse than girls I know, and they proceeded to tell me all the sordid details of their conversations with each other about me. This is about the point in time where I should've shouted, "To hell with all of you!" and run out the door, but it seems I spent Saturday without a conscience or much sense at all. I can't blame it on the alcohol. I knew I had plans with my dad for Father's Day and didn't want to disappoint him by being hungover, so being drunk wasn't it. For reasons I still can't understand, I stuck around and endured the foolishness. I didn't put my foot down. I didn't tell them to go jump off a cliff or annoy some other girl. I guess I was just being an attention whore. I did draw the line at the almost-fight. There is absolutely nothing attractive about guys fighting over you. It's very caveman-esque and made me feel like a piece of property. Not cool.

Luckily, Saturday ended and Sunday came around, bringing with it my conscience and hopefully some better decision-making skills. I have another crazy busy weekend of partying ahead of me, so we'll see if that holds true.

I Need to See Some ID

This blog has been going for almost a year now and dating still never ceases to amaze me.  Yes, I'm still single (and some would argue still picky, but I'm ok with that) and I'm still searching for that elusive perfect-man-for-me.  One day dating will seem easier, probably right around the time I meet Mr. Right and never date again. Until then, here's yet another story of my failed attempts...

I was out for drinks with a friend of mine when two guys walked in and sat at the table next to us. I recognized them as guys I had talked to several months earlier. They're out of state guys hanging out at the local watering hole while living out of suitcases for some job.  We had some friendly conversation the last time I saw them and I told them I'd be around the bar to chat again in the future and then proceeded to not show up at said bar again for 3 months. Nice of me, right? I swear it wasn't intentional.  Fast forward three months later and as I get up from the table to walk to the other side of the bar, one of the guys grabs my arm and says, "You're not leaving, are you? I've waited 3 months to talk to you again and I'd hate to see you leave right now." Sweet in a sort of creepy way.  I assured him I wasn't leaving and would be back to chat with him and his buddy later, and I did.

Conversation was all good just like before, and I'll admit I thought one of the guys was kind of attractive.  He was from West Virginia and had a well-kept beard, appealing to the small part of me that seems to have a thing for lumberjacks or mountain men or something.  As we're talking, he mentions going to see his son the following weekend. I'm usually not one for the ready-made family, but he was easy to talk to and seemed cute in the horrible bar lighting, so I let it slide. Then he says, "I have to spend time with him while I can. He's 17 and will be going to college next year and..." I'm sure there was more after that, but once I heard 17 and college, my mind left the conversation and started doing mental math. I kept telling myself that this was still salvageable. I know people who got married days after high school graduation and had kids within a year afterwards. If that's the case, that would put him mid-30s. No problem. Hell, I know people who had kids while still in high school.... even better!  I'll let this go on for a bit longer....

So then we start talking jobs and I tell him I work for the state. He starts reminiscing about when he worked for the state right out of high school and how he was just starting to enjoy that job, but left it to join the military. What prompted the sudden change? Well, one of his close friends was killed in the first Gulf War. That's right, Operation Desert Storm, as in the war fought from 1990-1991. Yet again, my mind leaves the conversation and heads over to do some mental math.  I remembered when the war was because I had an uncle who served in Iraq during that time. I distinctly remembered being in 3rd grade and about 8-9 years old. This guy was serving our country overseas while I was buying New Kids on the Block gear and singing Debbie Gibson songs in my hairbrush.  Logic says he's at least a decade older than me.  My friend told me to ask him directly how old he was, except that idea scared me.  By not asking, I can crunch the numbers in my favor and pretend he's late 30s to early 40s. But if I ask, well, I don't want to even imagine how that turns out.

I understand age is just a number.  I'm pushing 29, feel 22 and have been told I look 24. What difference does it make if this guy is 35 or 49? It shouldn't make one at all, really, but for some reason it does to me. Forgive me if I want to date a guy closer to my age than my father's.  I would love to say this is the only time I've had this issue, but I'm really terrible at guessing ages.  I'm ok with realizing when a guy is younger than me, but for the most part I have this mindset that anyone who isn't clearly older than me must be somewhere around my age.  I'm usually shocked when I hear someone's actual age, as I'm normally way off in my assumptions (people should be thanking me, really).

You know what would be great? If you found out everything of importance about a person when you first said hello. Like if I walked up to a guy in a bar and said hello and a neon sign above his head said "35 and married but not wearing a ring" or "26, single, mommy's boy" or "42, in a relationship, thinks it's cool to text pictures of his penis." That would make things so much easier, wouldn't it? Though I hate to think of what mine would say...

I Attract Winners

That's right, I attract winners. And I don't mean "holy crap I just won the lottery!" winners. I mean Charlie Sheen-esque winners.  When I talk to a friend and say, "so there's this guy..." the response is never "aww" or "he sounds great."  The response is always some variation of "where the %*@$ did you meet these people?!"  Just this week, I have been told by more than one close friend when speaking of more than one male acquaintance that I attract unstable people.  I don't know how it happens, it just does.  It's like I'm wearing a sign that says, "A little off-balance? Emotionally crippled? Straight-jacket crazy? Come sit by me."

Don't believe me?  How about some examples:

• There was the guy who professed his love to me while I was seeing someone else, adding in that if my bf ever hurt me he'd put his legs in a blender and make him drink it. Romantic, no?
• There was the compulsive liar. "I have a bachelor's degree." --Nope. Didn't actually go to college. "I was a linebacker on the college football team and had that amazing tackle in the game against LSU." --See 'didn't actually go to college' above. "I'm 25!" --Upon further questioning, he fessed up that he was "in [his] 25th year of life" aka 24 because in his world, the day you are born you're 1.
• The many, many guys who don't listen. Them: "Let's do something this weekend." Me: "I won't be in town." Them (calling during the weekend): "Want to have dinner?" Uh... what part of "I won't be in town this weekend" did you not understand? (Variations include saying I like to sleep in on weekends and receiving texts as soon as the sun comes up or finding out I have plans and insisting for days that plans with him would be better. I said no once, then twice, and now a third time. Go away.)
• There was the guy I met at the neighborhood bar who friend requested me on facebook (no biggie). When I told him I didn't want to shoot pool for the 7th time because I was having a conversation with someone, he began sending me crazy facebook messages ("Hope you're having fun in your little conversation." "Why won't you shoot pool with me?" etc) that I didn't get until I checked fb the next day. Did I mention he's at least a decade older than me? A man in his 40s whining like a child - this is why you're single.
• There were the nuts I met through online dating.  See previous posts.
• There was the guy who lived in the same apartment complex as me and called me the morning after we had enjoyed a decent date (not awesome, but not terrible), with this gem: "On your way to work?" Me: "Yes." Him: "That's what I figured. I watched you get in your car and drive away." Not. Creepy. At. All.

There are more. I know there are. But just developing that list has made me a little sick, so I'm going to stop.  One of my friends likes to remind me that we can't control who is part of our fan clubs.  Oh how I wish I could.  I've taken a firmer stance in dealing with these fellas by not being my charming, nice self when I see/speak to them.  It kills me to be mean to someone, as it's generally not a way I prefer to behave, but I don't see much of an alternative (I don't know of any crazy-person repellent, do you?).  The way I see it, if I can rid myself of some of these folks, I'll have more space for people who are slightly more sane.  I just want to get to a point where I can say "there's this guy" and not be met with a cringe. A girl can dream...

The Art of Persuasion

I have spent the last few months working both a full time and part time job.  The part time job was at a bookstore, which required minimal thought, thankfully, and provided some entertaining moments.  A few weeks ago I gave my notice that I will be leaving and, since then, I have become the world's best employee.  No really, it's been a bit ridiculous.  You see, we're required to hit certain sales goals at this store, mostly involving our membership cards, and I have not only been meeting them, but exceeding them in stupid ways.  For most of my tenure at the store, my goals were hit and miss.  Some days I was a rock star, some days a complete failure.  One of my managers would joke with me about how I'd go back and forth from the A-team to the C-team.  But once I told them I was leaving it's like something magical happened and now I am this crazy goal-surpassing superstar.  It has all of us baffled and me pretty happy.  One of my coworkers watched me in action and said it was as though I would say hi to a customer and they were mesmerized to buy whatever I was selling.  Another told me we needed to take my skills in persuasion out to the bars and pick up men.  Great idea, except it NEVER works that way.

Last weekend I went out with my friend and her fiance' and a couple of their married friends.  Yep, I was the 5th wheel (come to find out, it's actually pretty fun to be the lone single gal with the 2 couples).  Everything was working for me - the tight mini-dress, makeup, hair, heels. I was good with the way my whole look worked out and was oozing confidence.  The bartender passed me a few free shots and I was one very happy girl.  I met tons of guys, but I just couldn't make anything happen.  I got names, hometowns, other info, met their friends and then... nothing.  One of us would get pulled away or lost in the crowd and then it was over.  There was the guy who had been at his sister's wedding, the guy who was a friend of a friend, the guy in a brass band, the guy who wanted me to help get the creepy girl away from him, the guy from a rival high school, the guy who was king of a Mardi Gras krewe, and then there's me with nothing to show for any of it other than a funny story or two.  This isn't just a one-time thing, either. It's the theme of pretty much any night I go out. I can't make the sale.

But it's not just trying to meet people at bars that has been a problem.  I can't get a second date to save my life.  Granted, I can count on a couple of fingers the number of good first dates I've had in the last year, but the number of those that went to a second date is just, well, I try not to think about it.  It's always the same story - I'm feeling good, maybe a little nervous but that's expected, we have a great time and then.... crickets.  I'll call a friend after the date and tell her how he was attractive, funny, smart, we had things in common, yay!  And nothing happens.  Maybe a follow-up conversation or two, but then the inevitable slow fade and then it's over (or we enter the friend zone. Such is life).  I thought maybe this was the problem:

But then I remembered that nobody has been to my house, so that's not it (if you couldn't see the embedded video, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aYe1d5_LS0s).  I started thinking the other day about why I was doing so well at the bookstore and how, at the rate I was going, I could sell a ketchup popsicle to a woman in white gloves, and I think it's all about mindset.  Here's the thought going through my mind when I make a sale at work: "It'll either happen or it won't.  And if it doesn't, so what? What are they going to do - fire me? I only have 4 days left and they have no one to replace me yet."  And then I give the same pitch I've given for 8 months and the customer says yes.  I need to find a way to have this carefree attitude when I'm out for a night on the town or out for a date, as opposed to my typical "I hope this happens" mentality.

I know what my issue is when I go out to a bar.  I have this idea in my head that any guy I meet there is only out meeting girls at a bar so he can take them home.  While that may be true for some, it may not be true for others.  I need to get past that misconception if I want to make anything happen.  As for dates, it probably never helped my case that I would answer "what do you do for a living?" with "I have a full-time job doing this and a part-time job doing that."  Seriously, I don't want to date a guy with so little free time, so I could see that being at least a small part of the problem.  Give it a few more days and then it won't be a factor anymore.  Never again will I have to turn down an invitation because I have to work!  As for the thoughts in my head while on a date, I need to find a way to be less like the girl on that Pepsi Max first date commercial and more like someone focused on what's in front of me, not on what could happen years from now.

The Bachelorette

It looks like it's been almost a month since my last blog post.  I don't know where the time went.  I'm now 28 days into 2011 and everything is pretty much the same.  I didn't run off and meet a man in the last 30 days.  If that had been the cause of my absence, I would have posted something along the lines of "Met a guy. Don't want to blog about it. Be back when one of us changes his/her mind."  Nope, that's not what happened.  What did happen since I've been gone was this:

• I worked a good bit at both jobs (and a day at a cheerleading competition - way too much rah rah for my mental health)
• I fought a tiny battle with pseudo-strep throat
• I ate two pints of ice cream (to help with the throat, I swear!)
• I started watching "The Bachelor" (feel free to judge my taste in TV, but I know one of the girls on the show and that's why I'm watching... it is pretty entertaining, though)
• I made a fabulous wreath out of feather boas (I'm like a poor girl's Martha Stewart)
• I've been experimenting with cupcake flavors (king cake ones were delicious; next up are either tiramisu or lemon-raspberry)

I also went through a little mental overhaul.  I'll admit there have been a few weeks over the course of this long winter that I started down the path of self-pity - the whole woe-is-me, why can't I meet someone downward spiral.  At some point I snapped out of it.  I can't say when or why or how, it just happened.  Somewhere along the way, I decided it's perfectly ok to be 28 and single.  It's something to celebrate and to enjoy, rather than cry about or question.  I keep seeing articles or blog posts about why you're still single or where to meet someone or how to find love, and it's starting to get aggravating.  Here's a refreshing article I read today that is the exact opposite of those: To the Ladies Pining for a Relationship, Fret Not.  And here's a great quote from said article:

STOP IT. Stop it right now—the sad-eyed, self-doubting, nail-chewing longing. Eau de desperation is a stinky fragrance, and men can smell it a mile away. And you’re not even 40 yet! Get out there while you still can, sleep around, and enjoy that young body before nature’s forces drag it south.

Great advice! Get out there and enjoy life while you still can.  I'm still trying to figure out how to "enjoy that young body" without getting all crazy with feelings and whatnot, but in the meantime I've enjoyed all the fabulous aspects of single life that there are.  I've been flirting - with guys I don't know, guys I do know, guys I know I will never ever have a future with.  I rented a couple of chick flicks to get me through the days I was home sick (The Killers and Going the Distance - both pretty awful... I also rented Inglourious Basterds and it was fantastic! Another great job by Quentin Tarantino).  I have enjoyed dining out alone (food comes much faster at a table for 1).  I gave myself a couple of at-home manicures without having to listen to a guy bitch about the smell of polish and/or polish remover.  I went to the doctor when I was sick and had this fun exchange:

Doc: Just so you know, the shot and antibiotics may have some interaction with your birth control. I'm not quite positive, but you should be extra careful just in case.
Me: Thanks, but that's a non-issue.
Doc: (laughing) Ok, but keep that in mind in case your circumstances change.
Me: Thanks. On the off-chance I go out man-hunting in my current state, I will remember that.

There was no man-hunting, and I took my last dose of antibiotic this morning. Consider that a warning.

While watching "The Bachelor," I saw what single and desperate looked like and instead of sympathizing with the girl, I got aggravated. One of the girls who failed to get a rose (Keltie, the Radio City Rockette) cried through her exit interview that she had tried everything - blind dates, online dating, fix-ups, everything! - and going on the show was her last shot at finding love.  She said that she may just be destined to be single.  You know what I say?  Stop resigning yourself to a life of flannel pj's and hundreds of cats. You're clearly looking at this the wrong way.  You're single, attractive, and you have a crazy cool job.  Have you ever tried walking up to a man (at a bar, coffee shop, anywhere) and saying, "Hi. I'm a Rockette. I can kick my leg up to my ear"?  That's what I would do.  I have no idea what I'd do after using that line, but it would be fun to use!  The closest I can come is, "Hi. I take dance classes and do yoga three times a week."  I don't know how far it'll get me, but I'm just putting it out there.


I even found myself telling a coworker who was upset about postponing her wedding that it may be a blessing in disguise because (1) what's the rush? and (2) now you can save some more money and have a more fabulous honeymoon. And as I said the words I began asking myself the same question... what's the rush? Sure, part of it can be attributed to nature and my stupid biological clock. Part of it is society and the idea that you're supposed to get married and reproduce. Make no mistake, I do intend to get married and have kids one day, but that day doesn't have to be today or tomorrow. It will happen in due time and there's no need to make it happen super fast, because once it happens everything changes. I've always said that I'll know I'm ready to have kids when I become less selfish than I currently am. That surely hasn't changed, so no need for babies just yet. And as far as a husband goes, I don't need one of those right now either, so put away the video camera because it's definitely not time to make my "Bachelor" audition tape.