I'm not usually one to get all caught up in making resolutions. For the last few years, I've had very broad ones like "be awesome" or "enjoy each day." This year, though, I actually have a legitimate resolution. Drumroll please.....
No more hook-ups. That's right, folks. I've decided that for 2013, I'm going to stop with hook-ups, casual flings, friends with benefits, and the like. Why? Quite simple - I need to do it for my own sanity. *Side note: I'm not by any means saying this behavior is wrong, immoral or anything negative. If you're a fan of casual whatever, party on! And if you're reading this and thinking "you shouldn't have been doing that anyway," shut it. Go judge someone else and keep your negativity away from me.*
Back to my logic behind this... As I have said in a previous post, I can't separate intimacy and emotion. Maybe you shouldn't be able to. Maybe separating them is perfectly normal and I wasn't wired correctly. Again, this isn't about ethics or morals or any of that. I have come to realize how trying to behave casually affects me and I can't do it anymore. Here's the rundown: as a general rule, I don't hook up with guys I'm not attracted to some kind of way, and since I'm a pretty emotionally-charged girl, it's only natural that I will develop feelings at some point. Take the friend with benefits from a couple years ago, for example. I absolutely developed feelings for him. While I don't sit around pining for him, I certainly still care for him and probably always will (yeah, I said it. And I know you're reading this. Wipe that grin off your face, jerk.). But for me, it isn't just as simple as "I like him." When I develop feelings for a guy, I become some obnoxious, over-analyzing teenage girl. I wonder if he feels the same way I do. He said he would call and he did, so that's good.. right? But then I tried making plans with him and he said he was busy. What does that mean? Should I push harder for something to happen or let him be in control? Blah blah blah
So what prompted this "resolution?" A couple weeks ago I met up with a guy I've known for a very long time. We've had a few encounters over the years and somewhere along the way I realized how much I genuinely like him. I'm talking feelings that scare the hell out of me. I recently found myself combing through all the details looking for clues (with my brother of all people), and that's when I knew I needed to make a change to keep myself from going mad. I'm tired of thinking too much about small details. I'm tired of seeking advice from everybody I know (and I'm sure they're tired of it, too). I'm tired of wondering. And I'm tired of getting my hopes up only to be let down. A change has to be made, and I'm the only one who can make it. So there it is, friends... my New Year's resolution. In the words of Kelly Clarkson, "Oh no, I do not hook up."
As for my teenager-style crush, I have no idea what I'll do there, if anything. I have started off each new year since Obama first took office as a single woman, and this year is no different. Some people say it's because I'm absurdly picky. That's partly true. But mostly it's because nothing scares me more than rejection. I'd rather be happily single than put it all out there and end up broken hearted. Foolish, I know. Maybe I'll get that problem sorted out by 2014. In the meantime, a toast to a new year:
The hourglass does lose its sand.
Another year has gone.
We raise a glass to friends most grand
And greet the New Year's dawn.
Happy New Year, everyone! Enjoy your night, stay safe, and I'll see you in 2013!
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