1000 Views and Counting

That's right, my profile on the paid site (the only one I'm still putting up with) has reached over 1,000 views.  In just over 2 months, over 1,000 guys - and maybe some girls, who knows? - have looked at my profile.  And where has it gotten me?  Well, there haven't been any dates or first meetings in a little over a month.  To be quite honest, all it's really gotten me is a bunch of stories about people who are a little odd.  I'm definitely not taking it very seriously anymore, but I did update my profile and my picture last week just to see what would happen.  I changed my profile to explicitly say exactly what I wanted in a guy, using that blurb from a previous post about wanting a guy 26-37 years old who doesn't smoke, doesn't wink, votes regularly, etc.  Not long after changing that, I began to see an upswing in guys interested in me.  It was pretty serious, too.  In less than 24 hours, I managed to get over 24 new winks.  Do these jerks know how to read?  It's right there, in black-and-white, that I want a guy who "doesn't wink."  Oh well... so much for those guys and their attempts at communication.

I did receive a few actual messages.  A couple of them came from guys with no pictures, one of which claimed he was waiting for his photo to be approved by the site gods.  It's been several days and I know it doesn't usually take that long, and I'm holding off on responding until he mans up and puts up a picture.  I'm mean like that.

Speaking of me being mean, how about a recap of the conversations I've had with guys lately?  We'll start with awesome guy #1.  He sent me a message that I could tell immediately was some garbage form letter he sends out to everyone.  How did I know?  Because in the message he said, "You winked back at me so that's a good start."  No, I definitely did not wink back at you, fool.  I'm anti-wink.  If I winked back at you, I'd be a hypocrite.  I didn't respond to this tool, until he sent me this message:

Subject: Miss Priss
Message: I was being facetious. I know you didn't wink back a me. Meanie.

At that point, I decided to look at his profile.  It all became perfectly clear once I saw that his headline was "Any good/bad girls out here?"  He also wrote that he was in town working on oil spill cleanup and wanted to find a girl to share his nights with for the next few weeks.  I decided it would be much more entertaining to call him out on his stupidity than to simply ignore him.  Here's my response:

I certainly did not wink back at you because I don't wink at anyone. Ever. I also doubt you were being facetious. What's more likely is that you sent me some copied and pasted form message that you send out to all the ladies you contact, without taking a second to read over it and make sure it all applied to me. And calling me a meanie and subjecting your second message with "Miss Priss?" Here's a pointer for you - contrary to what you may have been taught by The Game, The Mystery Method, or any of those other nonsense dating books, negging/picking on a woman is not the way to her heart. It is, however, the way to getting a foot up your ass. If you're looking for a cheap thrill while you're in town, I suggest spending more time on Bourbon Street because you won't be finding it with me.

He responded with, "LOL. No problem" and that was the end of that.

Awesome guy #2 was much more of a letdown.  He seemed to have actual potential...for a brief moment.  He sent me a message going point-by-point on my checklist for my ideal man, telling me what percentage he matched what I was trying to find.  He also added other qualities I had omitted (honesty, loyalty, compassion, etc).  He was funny, perceptive and charming.  He invited me to check out his profile to see if I thought we were a good match.  That's when I saw it.... Right there in the first paragraph, "I will only entertain serious matches who are born-again Christians. I also believe in abstinence before marriage, but am willing to overlook if a woman has made that mistake once."  Well, crap.  There goes that one.  I sent him a response saying I'd appreciated his message but felt he should know that I am not a born-again Christian and that I do not attend church regularly, as I believe it's more about faith than attendance.  I didn't even touch the abstinence thing.  It took him a couple of days to respond, but when he did, it was fabulous!  Here's what he said:

I'm sorry I didn't respond to you message sooner, and I thank you for being so honest with me.


You are right of course, and its true.... since you are not a born again believer, my first and only obligation to you is for your eternal soul. A romantic interest would be a conflict of interest. I'm sure you have heard some of us use the phrase "equally yoked".

But understand that I don't judge you or anyone else. That is not my place and I am just as much a sinner as anyone who ever lived. The only difference is that I'm saved by grace, and that is not to my credit, but to Jesus' credit for what he endured to pay the price so I could go free.

Come to think of it, I don't know that I've ever heard any of "them" say "equally yoked."  I'm sure I'd remember if I had.  On the plus side, it's nice to know there's a guy out there watching out for my soul, though I'm not sure I understand why it's a conflict of interest to date a sinner such as myself.  Oh well. I guess I'll continue to live my life, sinning boldly and riding that fast train to hell.  I may not have that guy by my side, but at least I have good friends to keep me company on the ride.
 
The only other slightly fun interaction was a message I got from a guy who wouldn't seem like a half-bad dude, if he hadn't sent me the exact same message last month!  Seriously, I got the same message, word-for-word, twice.  They both ended with him saying that it was his last day on the site and if I was interested I should email him at his personal address.  I may have changed my profile picture and headline, but I'm still the same girl I was last month.  Did you think I wouldn't notice?  Did you forget you'd already reached out to me?  Whatever the reason for the duplication, the fact is that your last day on the site wasn't sometime last month.  It's also probably not today, and now I associate you with lies.  This is not looking good for you.
 
I have exchanged messages with a couple of guys with some potential, though how much potential I can't honestly say.  Neither of them live terribly close, but the conversation has been good so far.  Maybe we'll meet, maybe we won't.  Either way, it's good practice for me and more stories for you!

Thanks, But No Thanks

Last week, much to my surprise and excitement, my latest blog post was linked to on the main page of TresSugar.  I thought it was really cool (especially as a way to end an ultra-crappy week), and posted the link on my FB page for all my friends, family and people-I-barely-know to see.  The reactions were all mostly the same. People were congratulating me, telling me they were now going to be faithful readers, etc, but some of the responses just left me shaking my head.  I did manage to get two actual phone calls from friends, but I got a whole heap of FB messages, FB chats, texts and comments from guys I know who are married, in committed relationships or otherwise emotionally unavailable.  Look, I appreciate that they enjoyed my post or blog as a whole, and I'd be happy if they did become "loyal followers," but the number of unavailable men who contacted me about my blog was just unbelievable.  One of my friends called it "sick."  I wouldn't go that far, but it's definitely not the kind of thing that will have a girl getting her hopes up.

That being said, I really appreciate the outpouring of support from everyone (yes, even you unavailable guys, but only as long as you're just being friendly and not being horribly inappropriate).  I've decided that if you're going to take an interest in my shenanigans, then I better give you something to talk about.  So for your reading pleasure, here are a couple of follow-up stories that need to be told and closed permanently.  Both of these guys were mentioned in the post "This Week in Dating Failures."  Let's begin with guy #1:

Remember the self-proclaimed "sexy" guy who sent me a message that I responded to with a polite "no thanks?"  You know, the guy who then responded with "but I would still like to talk to you?"  Here's how the rest of the conversation went -

Me: I would not like to talk to you.
Him: Can you please tell me what you didn't like about me? I am dying to know what turned you off? [Ed. note: yes, he used a question mark there.]
Me: You didn't do anything to turn me off but you didn't do anything to turn me on either. I'm not physically attracted to you, don't like that you're a smoker and think putting stuff about your sex life is way too much information to be sharing with strangers. I just don't think we're a good match. Good luck with your search.

So two weeks go by, and I get an email saying "sexy" has sent me a new message.  One can only wonder what he has to say now... Imagine my surprise when I checked my inbox to find this:

Hello there, how are you this today? I found your profile intriguing and was hoping we could talk sometime. I am a very outgoing, romantic, hardworking man who's looking for that special woman to share my life and lifes challenges with. I don't play head games, I am a firm believer in honesty and communication. I love to make my woman feel like she's needed and loved. I have a steady job, a reliable vehicle. I live with my dad but that's not because I cannot support muself. I am very independent and have been since I was 15 yrs old. If you feel this interests you, feel free to contact me and I will gladly get back to you. Have a great day!

Is this guy for real? Was I not firm enough in telling him I wasn't interested?  Or did he think sending me a message saying he had a job and a car would negate the fact that I still know how many women he's slept with or that he's a chain smoker?  I don't even know how to begin to approach this one.  At least he's not telling me how attractive he is this time.

And now for guy #2.  This guy is the one who politely implied that I'm a fat girl in some of my FB pictures.  Because I'm either (a) a fool, (b) a glutton for punishment or (c) looking for easy entertainment, I continued conversation with this jackass.  I quickly learned that gut instincts are generally things to listen to, especially when you're just getting to know someone.  Once we got past the fact that I am not a big girl hiding behind decades-old pictures, the getting-to-know-you conversation continued on much the same course.  He wanted to know why I work two jobs.  Hm... maybe because it's really difficult to make a living as a $2 whore in this economy and my pimp won't let me charge more than that. Or maybe because working for the government is not something you do to get rich and because they get really unhappy when you don't pay your student loans on time.  Or maybe it's none of your damn business, Mr. Guy I Don't Really Know At All.  My response to him was along the lines of "student loans and it gives me something else to do."  Then he turned the conversation to sex (with absolutely no segue or smooth transition... it was kind of awkward).  My response was to ask him what made him think that was an ok thing to do.  He said he just got this vibe from me, and that he felt really comfortable with that topic with me even though he usually isn't comfortable talking like that with anyone else.  I told him to cut it out, and my gut told him this was one of those guys browsing dating sites to add more notches to his belt, not to find an actual relationship.  So he stopped and went back to general nonsense conversation.

The next day, he texted me while I was at work at my second job.  It was around 9 pm, I didn't have my phone on me, and I didn't get off of work for another hour.  When I finally left and checked my phone, I had a string of texts from him, showing his true colors/nutcase behavior:

9:00 - What's up?
9:15 - Helllooooo.....
9:30 - Your lack of response is starting to piss me off.
9:45 - You know, you're really confusing me. I thought we had something here, but I guess you don't agree with that. You could've just acted like an adult and said you weren't interested, instead of ignoring me.

His foolishness had me thinking back to the impatience of Sgt Smartguy.  I shook my head and sent a not-so-nice response, "Did it ever occur to you that I could have been at work and unable to respond? I do work 2 jobs, you know."  He sent me back a wonderfully melodramatic message, "Wow. I thought you were a nice person. Guess I was wrong. Goodbye forever."  I said nothing.  I didn't think anything needed to be said.  I was already unsure about this guy, so I wasn't too interested in begging for forgiveness or trying to make him come to his senses.  I deleted him from FB and deleted his number from my phone (don't worry, mom, I kept all the messages on the sites where these dimwits first sent me their numbers, just in case one of them wants to contact me again).  A little over a week later, Mr Cranky Pants sent me a text.  I guess none of his other prospects were working out.  Here's how the conversation went:

Him: How're you doing?
Me: Fabulous!
Him: That's good.

I didn't want him to get any crazy ideas about me forgetting our last exchange or still being interested, so I didn't ask how he was doing and I didn't carry on with the conversation.  The next day, we have this chat:

Him: So it seems like you've lost interest. Can I ask why?
Me: I pretty much lost interest once you showed yourself to be an impatient, nosey prick.
Him: Thanks.

Haven't heard from him since. Success!  So, guys, while it's nice that you're interested in me, all I can say is thanks, but no thanks.  Maybe we'll be together one day, though, right around the time the kids in the neighborhood start calling me the crazy cat lady.

Dating In The 21st Century

Technology.  It has made everyone easily accessible and readily available.  It has also made people incredibly lazy and has changed the dating world - for better or for worse.  In September's Marie Claire, Drew Barrymore shares her opinions on how technology has changed dating, saying:

The fact that I’m begging for a phone call is pathetic in this age of technology. Plans are made by text—I can’t stand it. I just don’t like this compulsive, instantaneous, over-information, lack-of-privacy, weirdo aspect of the world. If you meet someone, they already know everything. What about showing up on the date and saying, ‘What do you do for a living? Who are your friends?’ Yes, you can avoid maybe a serial killer, but who f**king knows? I am a romantic and it scares me… [The Frisky]

I have to say, I agree with Drew on this one.  After reading her quote, I started thinking about the last time I was asked out by a guy in a method other than text, email, IM or Facebook/Myspace message.  It took me a while to pin down the last time that happened, and I'm 99% sure it was in 2004.  That's right - it's been 6 years since I have been verbally asked on a date!  And the last guy who pulled it off?  He awkwardly asked me to see a movie and we ended up dating for the better part of 3 years.  I think part of why it worked out that way had to do with the fact that we had an actual conversation (in person, no less).  It's easy to be witty and charming in a written message.  You get the advantage of thinking before you type, rather than blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. 

Over the last few years, I've had many failed dates, and I think part of that is technology's fault.  I've been won over by guys who portrayed this amazing confidence in their texts or emails, only to be disappointed when we finally met up.  I've also been on more than my fair share of one-sided dates in the last few years, thanks to Facebook and miscommunication.  On one hand, it's great to reconnect with old friends I haven't talked to in 10 years, but on at least a half dozen occasions I've had this happen to me:

Him: It's been so awesome talking to you. We should get together sometime.
Me: Yeah, that would be fun!
Him: How about Wednesday night?
Me: That works for me. I know a great (restaurant/coffee shop/park bench).
......... cut to Wednesday night ...............
Him: This has been so much fun.  You probably don't know this, but I've been wanting to ask you out since (high school/college/that time we met 4 years ago).  When I saw you on FB and saw you were single, I figured now was my chance.

Wait, what? I thought I was catching up with an old friend. It was totally innocent and not a date in any way, shape or form.  What happened here?  I'm on one side of the table, laughing about that time one of our mutual friends made an ass of himself and you're on the other side of the table picking out the names of our kids.  Houston, we have a problem, and the problem is poor communication.  You probably thought you were being flirtatious and cute in those messages, but I didn't pick up on that.  I thought I was simply telling you what's been up since the last time we saw each other a million years ago, but you took that as something entirely different.  I think a phone call could've made things a little bit clearer for both of us.  Then I would have known your confidence was a farce, or that you really don't come up with those witty remarks as quickly as it seems you do.  I also think we could've better assessed each other's intentions and saved both of us some trouble and/or embarrassment.

I get why the new favorite form of communication is through text or the internet.  It's easy, for one, and there's less chance for rejection that way.  I know I said the last time I was asked out verbally was in 2004, but I definitely haven't been avoiding human contact for the last 6 years.  I've accepted plenty of date invitations through FB, email and text, probably more than I ever have through real communication.  So, yeah, it makes it much easier to get a date.  And if you do get rejected?  It certainly doesn't hurt as much.  Technically, you can delete the message and pretend it never happened. 

Call me old-fashioned, but I'd still prefer for my phone to ring.  I'm not looking for daily calls or lengthy talks about how your day was (or how mine was).  Every once in a while, I'd like a simple call saying something like "hey, I was thinking about you and I think we should do something this weekend."  These days, the only calls I get are from my mom, brother or friends (with the occasional call reminding me that my prescription is ready or that I have an upcoming appointment somewhere).  A few weeks ago, my phone rang and I saw it was a guy calling me.  My initial reaction - confusion.  You know what my reaction should have been? Something a little more positive, something typical of the way a single girl would react when seeing a hot guy's name pop up on the caller ID.  Instead of being pleased as punch at who was on the other end of the phone, I was surprised that it was an actual call and not a text.

Maybe I just need to get with the program and realize that this is how it works now.  My 13-year-old cousin got her first cell phone not too long ago and was far more concerned with the number of texts she's allowed in a month than she was with how many minutes she has.  Maybe I should take a lesson from her and reduce my monthly minutes and stop wasting my money on fun ringtones that I'll rarely get to hear.  On the other hand, people still give out advice to us single gals that "if a guy really likes you, he'll call you, not text you."  Is that right?  Have I been dealing with a bunch of guys who don't actually like me all that much?  Or do those dating "experts" need to get with the times as badly as I do?  I guess the only way I'll know for sure is when I'm in a long-term relationship and can look back and remember how he asked me out and how we communicated when we first started dating.  Until that happens, I'll take comfort knowing I have unlimited monthly text messages and frequent internet access.

One Month Later

It seems like just yesterday I signed up on two dating sites hoping to find my next great love.  And here I am, 34 days later, reflecting on the assortment of sex offenders, wannabe rock stars, socially awkward guys and random creeps I have since "met."  If you told me two months ago that I should try online dating, I would have laughed at you and jumped on my soap box, telling you how I was vehemently against the idea because those sites are places where only severely desperate people go, and I am not one of those people.  But then I realized that I live in a new town, know very few people, and work so much I don't have time to get out there and meet someone, and so I filled out my profiles and uploaded my pictures and hoped for the best.  Here's where it all stands now:

I deleted my account on the free site this morning.  It's something I've thought about for the last week or so, and I finally did it.  That site was giving me nothing but guys who live with their parents while trying to get their bands moving (aka Zydecool & Musicmaker).  Granted, that site also introduced me to Rocketman (who fell off the face of the earth) and Soccerdoc (and his Texas-sized ego), but giving me only two guys who seemed to have joined the world of adulthood amongst so many who have yet to pay their own bills just wasn't working for me.  And being told by the site administrators that I was hot wasn't enough to keep me around.  Nor was receiving countless messages from guys who couldn't complete a sentence if their lives depended on it.  In the end my membership was like riding the teacups at Disney World - it seemed like a great idea at the time, but it left me with a sick feeling in my stomach and not much desire to do it again.  So farewell, free site.  You might be really good at helping other people find someone special, but we just weren't right for each other.

As for the paid site, I haven't deleted anything there.  This is mostly due to the fact that they charged me for my couple of months upfront and don't offer refunds.  I have made it so they never charge me again and will no longer be a member once my time with them runs out.  I have also made a conscious decision to not put forth any effort on that site.  I won't be going out searching for my match or sending messages to guys the site suggests would be good for me (though I didn't do much of any of that to begin with).  That site has also been less than fruitful, giving me guys such as Dr Funnyman (another one who vanished), the guy who doesn't vote, Sgt Smartguy (who continued to attempt to contact me for several days after I told him to get lost - he's been reported and blocked from all contact because that kind of persistence is just plain creepy), the aforementioned registered sex offender, a known womanizer who had already made in appearance in my life, the guy who hates football, the completely unattractive man who calls himself sexy, the guy who assumed I was a Republican, the guy who called me fat in a very nice way, and a whole host of winkers.  In the time that we've been together, I realized that I paid money to meet guys who were a few pineapples short of a fruitcake and guys who are total pervs only looking for new girls to have sex with.  Thanks, but no thanks.  Maybe you'll show me a winner before my time runs out, but I'm not holding out hope.

The good news is that I learned a couple of things about myself through this process. I know, I've only been doing this for a month.  What could I have possibly learned?  For one, I learned what I want, what I don't want, and what really matters when it comes to dating.  If you asked me when I joined what I was looking for in a guy, I would have given some very general description of a single guy in a certain age range with a job.  Now I've seen that vague isn't the way to go, and I know what it is I'm really looking for (thanks to a friend who read my posts and spelled it out for me): I'm looking for an attractive, single, 26-37 year old man - not boy - who is confident and sane but not a rebel, doesn't smoke, won't look away, makes me laugh, doesn't use work as a cop-out, doesn't wink, votes regularly and loves football (come to find out, that last one's a bigger deal to me than I thought it would be... also, I know the age range used to start at 25, but guys at that age seemed to not quite be at the level of maturity I was looking for, so I added a year to it).  At the very least, I now have a better idea of what I want in a guy.  It's not much of a checklist, which I think is a good thing, and I'm sure there will be things that are added or removed from the list of what I want, but these are my priorities when dating.

The other thing I learned is how to say no.  I've always struggled with that because I've always been the type of person who wants everyone else to be happy, even if it means my own personal sacrifice.  It's amazing how quickly you can learn to stand up for yourself and put your needs ahead of others when you're faced with a bunch of guys wanting to date you when you know it just won't work.  I'm no longer the girl who will spend time with you to make you happy when I know I'd rather be doing something else.  I'm learning how to stand firm in my beliefs and decisions.  I know I can't please everyone, and I'm becoming ok with that.  Instead of ignoring messages from people I knew I wasn't planning to ever date, I sent them messages saying thanks, but no thanks.  No more being left wondering if I didn't see your message or if I forgot to respond to it.  I'm responding and I'm being honest about why it just won't work, because life is too short to waste time on doomed relationships.  I was talking to a friend last night about dating, boys and love, and we came to a quote from Pretty Woman that described my past relationships almost perfectly: My special gift is impossible relationships.  Well, not anymore!  I don't want to be an expert at impossible relationships or be really good at putting up with ones that just aren't good enough.  The life I have right now, living alone and spending the free time I have with people who are important to me, is much more valuable than settling just so I can say I have someone.  If that means taking more risks or breaking some hearts, I'm ready for the challenge.

I've also realized that everything I thought about online dating months ago is exactly what I think of it now.  I still don't think it's right for me.  Sure, some people meet the best things that ever happened to them through the internet.  That's not how I want to meet people.  I don't want to be introduced to the man of my dreams by a computer program.  The same friend who said I have a knack for impossible relationships also said it's going to be pretty funny when I spend my time doing online dating, only to end up with a guy I'd already known.  Sure, it would be pretty funny, but it would also be great!  I never was nervous about my first in-person meetings with the guys from the dating sites, but there are people I already know who I will make sure to go through the effort of perfect hair & makeup (and maybe even perfume) for because I get nervously excited about seeing them for the millionth time.  Maybe I always knew that none of those internet guys were for me and that's why I never got nervous.  Some might say I went into it hoping for failure so that I could say I tried it and never have to do it again.  Say what you want, but I went into it hoping for a 21st century fairy tale and came up short.  Online dating isn't for everyone and, so far, it isn't for me.  It has turned out to be everything I expected it to be, and I want something more than that.

Don't fret, dear readers. I won't be shutting down the blog for a couple of reasons.  One, I still have my account open on the paid site and there's no telling what will happen there.  The bigger reason I'm keeping this going, though, is because writing it all down has been helpful to me.  It started off as a way to keep from repeating myself, but it has also been a way for me to grow as a person and learn more about myself.  Maybe I'll morph it into a blog about my dating life in general.  With as interconnected as we are today, even if I ended up dating a guy already in my life, the internet and technology would still play a role in it (ex. FB relationship status change - when is it time? do we really need to have conversations about that now? oh, the drama!).  I'm open to suggestions on where to go from here, with both the blog and my personal life.

My plan now is to sit back, enjoy the ride, and see what Cupid & the fates have in store for me.  Wish me luck!