It seems like just yesterday I signed up on two dating sites hoping to find my next great love. And here I am, 34 days later, reflecting on the assortment of sex offenders, wannabe rock stars, socially awkward guys and random creeps I have since "met." If you told me two months ago that I should try online dating, I would have laughed at you and jumped on my soap box, telling you how I was vehemently against the idea because those sites are places where only severely desperate people go, and I am not one of those people. But then I realized that I live in a new town, know very few people, and work so much I don't have time to get out there and meet someone, and so I filled out my profiles and uploaded my pictures and hoped for the best. Here's where it all stands now:
I deleted my account on the free site this morning. It's something I've thought about for the last week or so, and I finally did it. That site was giving me nothing but guys who live with their parents while trying to get their bands moving (aka Zydecool & Musicmaker). Granted, that site also introduced me to Rocketman (who fell off the face of the earth) and Soccerdoc (and his Texas-sized ego), but giving me only two guys who seemed to have joined the world of adulthood amongst so many who have yet to pay their own bills just wasn't working for me. And being told by the site administrators that I was hot wasn't enough to keep me around. Nor was receiving countless messages from guys who couldn't complete a sentence if their lives depended on it. In the end my membership was like riding the teacups at Disney World - it seemed like a great idea at the time, but it left me with a sick feeling in my stomach and not much desire to do it again. So farewell, free site. You might be really good at helping other people find someone special, but we just weren't right for each other.
As for the paid site, I haven't deleted anything there. This is mostly due to the fact that they charged me for my couple of months upfront and don't offer refunds. I have made it so they never charge me again and will no longer be a member once my time with them runs out. I have also made a conscious decision to not put forth any effort on that site. I won't be going out searching for my match or sending messages to guys the site suggests would be good for me (though I didn't do much of any of that to begin with). That site has also been less than fruitful, giving me guys such as Dr Funnyman (another one who vanished), the guy who doesn't vote, Sgt Smartguy (who continued to attempt to contact me for several days after I told him to get lost - he's been reported and blocked from all contact because that kind of persistence is just plain creepy), the aforementioned registered sex offender, a known womanizer who had already made in appearance in my life, the guy who hates football, the completely unattractive man who calls himself sexy, the guy who assumed I was a Republican, the guy who called me fat in a very nice way, and a whole host of winkers. In the time that we've been together, I realized that I paid money to meet guys who were a few pineapples short of a fruitcake and guys who are total pervs only looking for new girls to have sex with. Thanks, but no thanks. Maybe you'll show me a winner before my time runs out, but I'm not holding out hope.
The good news is that I learned a couple of things about myself through this process. I know, I've only been doing this for a month. What could I have possibly learned? For one, I learned what I want, what I don't want, and what really matters when it comes to dating. If you asked me when I joined what I was looking for in a guy, I would have given some very general description of a single guy in a certain age range with a job. Now I've seen that vague isn't the way to go, and I know what it is I'm really looking for (thanks to a friend who read my posts and spelled it out for me): I'm looking for an attractive, single, 26-37 year old man - not boy - who is confident and sane but not a rebel, doesn't smoke, won't look away, makes me laugh, doesn't use work as a cop-out, doesn't wink, votes regularly and loves football (come to find out, that last one's a bigger deal to me than I thought it would be... also, I know the age range used to start at 25, but guys at that age seemed to not quite be at the level of maturity I was looking for, so I added a year to it). At the very least, I now have a better idea of what I want in a guy. It's not much of a checklist, which I think is a good thing, and I'm sure there will be things that are added or removed from the list of what I want, but these are my priorities when dating.
The other thing I learned is how to say no. I've always struggled with that because I've always been the type of person who wants everyone else to be happy, even if it means my own personal sacrifice. It's amazing how quickly you can learn to stand up for yourself and put your needs ahead of others when you're faced with a bunch of guys wanting to date you when you know it just won't work. I'm no longer the girl who will spend time with you to make you happy when I know I'd rather be doing something else. I'm learning how to stand firm in my beliefs and decisions. I know I can't please everyone, and I'm becoming ok with that. Instead of ignoring messages from people I knew I wasn't planning to ever date, I sent them messages saying thanks, but no thanks. No more being left wondering if I didn't see your message or if I forgot to respond to it. I'm responding and I'm being honest about why it just won't work, because life is too short to waste time on doomed relationships. I was talking to a friend last night about dating, boys and love, and we came to a quote from Pretty Woman that described my past relationships almost perfectly: My special gift is impossible relationships. Well, not anymore! I don't want to be an expert at impossible relationships or be really good at putting up with ones that just aren't good enough. The life I have right now, living alone and spending the free time I have with people who are important to me, is much more valuable than settling just so I can say I have someone. If that means taking more risks or breaking some hearts, I'm ready for the challenge.
I've also realized that everything I thought about online dating months ago is exactly what I think of it now. I still don't think it's right for me. Sure, some people meet the best things that ever happened to them through the internet. That's not how I want to meet people. I don't want to be introduced to the man of my dreams by a computer program. The same friend who said I have a knack for impossible relationships also said it's going to be pretty funny when I spend my time doing online dating, only to end up with a guy I'd already known. Sure, it would be pretty funny, but it would also be great! I never was nervous about my first in-person meetings with the guys from the dating sites, but there are people I already know who I will make sure to go through the effort of perfect hair & makeup (and maybe even perfume) for because I get nervously excited about seeing them for the millionth time. Maybe I always knew that none of those internet guys were for me and that's why I never got nervous. Some might say I went into it hoping for failure so that I could say I tried it and never have to do it again. Say what you want, but I went into it hoping for a 21st century fairy tale and came up short. Online dating isn't for everyone and, so far, it isn't for me. It has turned out to be everything I expected it to be, and I want something more than that.
Don't fret, dear readers. I won't be shutting down the blog for a couple of reasons. One, I still have my account open on the paid site and there's no telling what will happen there. The bigger reason I'm keeping this going, though, is because writing it all down has been helpful to me. It started off as a way to keep from repeating myself, but it has also been a way for me to grow as a person and learn more about myself. Maybe I'll morph it into a blog about my dating life in general. With as interconnected as we are today, even if I ended up dating a guy already in my life, the internet and technology would still play a role in it (ex. FB relationship status change - when is it time? do we really need to have conversations about that now? oh, the drama!). I'm open to suggestions on where to go from here, with both the blog and my personal life.
My plan now is to sit back, enjoy the ride, and see what Cupid & the fates have in store for me. Wish me luck!
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