This Week In Dating Failures

It's been a very active week for my profile - several new winks (ugh) and a few messages from some new guys.  And those messages have been nothing short of fantastic.  Now don't get too excited on me.  None of these were the kind of messages that made me think, "This has totally been worth it. This guy is AMAZING!"  Oh no... these messages were the kind that keep this blog alive, the kind that make me wonder how these people make it through life, let alone the hurdles and obstacles of dating.  And now I'll share them with you, so that you may experience my pain fits of laughter.

Here's one from the free site:

Subject: Hey

Message:  Hello

Really, that was the entire message.  Hey, guy, I think you missed something there - like a complete sentence or a full thought.  My 13 year old cousin texts messages that have more substance than that.  I got another one from a different user with no subject and the same message.  Does this work for you guys?  I understand the whole "keep it short and sweet" thing, but that's taking it to the extreme, don't you think?

Another free site gem:

Subject: Hey

Message: Hit me up on myspace.com/[redacted] or on yahoo messager [redacted]

Again, that's the entire message.  And, no, I didn't "hit him up" on anything. 

So the men boys members of the free site seem to be people of very few words.  The ones on the paid site had much more to say.  There was one guy who sent me a message with things he found interesting from my profile (score 1 point for reading it) and we exchanged a couple of "getting to know you" messages.  Then we start getting into the important matters and I learned a few ways in which we just are not compatible.  For instance, he LOVES baseball (even said "Red Sox all the way" in his message).  He also enjoys NASCAR and his favorite driver is one who drives for Roush Fenway.  And he really, really, really likes sushi.  He asked if I shared these same passions, and I honestly told him I absolutely do not.  First, there's baseball.  With the exception of college baseball, it bores me to tears.  I've tried it - I've been to minor league games and even one MLB game.  I enjoyed the minor league games, but that's because I was either in a hot tub holding a drink or they made it really entertaining because they know that's what you have to do to draw a crowd to see the Kannapolis Intimidators or the NOLA Zephyrs.  But will I join you on a multi-city tour of baseball stadiums? Definitely not.  I'm a football girl. If you want to see all of those stadiums, count me in.  Does he like football?  No. As a matter of fact, he likes it even less than I like baseball.  He said he has "no problem" with high school football, but refuses to watch college or pro football.  Now that's a HUGE problem.  If I have nothing to do on a random Saturday in October but lay on my couch and watch TV, and I'm faced with a choice between watching Pretty Woman or watching UT play Florida Atlantic, do you know what I'll watch?  I'll pick UT v FAU 100% of the time, and I don't even particularly care for either of those teams or their conferences.  So this is a serious issue for me.  As for his choice in race teams, the only driver from Roush Fenway I'll ever support is Carl Edwards, and that's only as long as my brother's roommate is employed by his team.  And he would be the driver I support after the 4 Hendrick Motorsports drivers, since HMS is who gives my brother a steady paycheck.  So the fact that he's a big Matt Kenseth fan is another negative.  And why is he a Matt Kenseth fan?  "Because he's from the north."  Lose another point.  And the sushi thing?  I don't really care for cooked fish, and you want me to eat raw fish multiple times a week and enjoy it?  Not happening.  I've tried it, and it's not my thing.

So how does he respond after I tell him I detest all the things he loves (and vice-versa)?  Like this:

Ha ha good to know! Are you ready to move on to texting then maybe talking on the phone instead of email? Big step, I know! Ha ha....

Um, that depends... are you a big fan of wasting your time and mine? I don't honestly see this going anywhere unless one or both of us make major changes. Why not just try to find someone you're more compatible with?  Or are you that desperate that you're willing to overlook these differences?  I'm not to that point of desperation, so I think we should both move on with our lives.

Then there's this winner from the paid site - he sends me a message with the usual:

Hi, my name is [whatever].  Your profile intrigued me. [insert details about his life] If you find any of this interests you, feel free to message me back and maybe this could be the start of something special.

His main drawback was the fact that his username involved the word "sexy" and he looks like Paul Giamatti (if that's your idea of sexy, good for you, but it's not mine).  He also started his profile with "I'm an attractive, single man..."  Again, you're not helping your cause.  If you're telling me you're attractive, you're either a narcissist or sorely misguided (or a sorely misguided narcissist).  So after looking at the rest of his profile and deciding he was not going to be the future Mr. Me, I hit the button for "send a polite 'no, thanks'."  Yes, they have one of those.  It gives you three message options and sends a response for you, though I have no idea what the messages actually say.  The options are "thanks, but I recently met someone and want to see where it goes," "thanks, but I recently met someone, not online, and want to see where it goes," and "thanks for contacting me, but I don't believe we're a good match, though I wish you good luck in your search."  I alternate between the first two when I send the polite "no, thanks."  So I sent him one of those and he responded with, "I still would like to talk to you." But I don't want to talk to you. What is so hard to understand about that?

Moving on... I had to save this guy for last, because he is the sender of my all-time favorite introductory message.  I copied and pasted straight from the message and only changed major identifying information.

Subject: I Need a Tour Guide with a Brain

Message: I saw your profile and wanted to say hello and introduce myself. My name is [doesn't really matter], its nice to meet you. I'm new to the area and would love to find someone to help me see the "locals" areas of the region. I grew up just west of Washington DC in West Virginia but have lived in Ohio, Michigan, and Kentucky before moving here. Where did you go to grad school? I have a BS and a Masters in [not knowing how to talk to women] from WVU. I would assume, since you are working for the Government that you are a Republican by background, would that be correct? What type of books do you enjoy? I have a very small beginning of a book collection myself. Mainly its old history and political books but I also have a first addition Satanic Verses that I picked up a few months ago. What would be your recommendations for something to do in the area a little off the beaten path? Well, I hope to hear back from you soon. Please feel free to ask me any questions you would like. Hope you are having a good week.

First, the minor problems - If you're looking for a tour guide, you might want to check out the tourist information centers.  They have them all around the French Quarter and most cities in the surrounding area.  That's not what I'm here for.  Next, yes, West Virginia is west of Washington DC. Thanks for pointing that out, Captain Obvious.  But just to clarify, is it also west of Virginia?  I didn't focus on these things, though.  The one that stuck out to me the most was the amazing logic he used to determine that I must be a Republican because I work for the government.  How do you even reach a conclusion like that?  I don't even know what kind of reasons to come up with to explain that kind of question.  This one got under my skin.  You better believe he heard back from me.  I'm proud of myself for not saying the first thing on my mind: "I would assume, since you're from West Virginia, that your parents are cousins and all your relatives work in coal mines." No, that just seemed mean.  Here's what I did say:

I'm so glad you told me to feel free to ask questions. I certainly have a question or two for you. First, do you know what happens when you assume? Second, did you take the time to actually read my profile? If you did, you would've seen that I am politically in the middle. Why would I have to be a Republican by background to work for the government? I can't quite figure out the logic behind that remark. Is that something they teach in government classes at WVU? So to answer your question, no, I'm not a Republican by background. I'm a socially liberal, fiscally conservative, registered independent who my family considers to be a hippie liberal because Fox News makes my ears bleed, I voted for Obama and I work for a Democrat. Hope that clears things up a bit.


Have a great weekend!

Sadly, the idiotic messages and socially awkward/marginally crazy people seem to be the most prominent ones on both sites (or at least they're the ones most frequently contacting me).  There was one glimmer of hope over the week, but he killed that opportunity when, after friending me on FB, he sent me a message asking how old certain pictures were because I "seem thinner in some of them than in others."  While that may be true (and, in fact, is) there are ways to say things and ways not to say things.  Congratulations, chump, you've successfully mastered the latter of the two.

So what started out as a promising way to meet new people and potentially my next boyfriend, is turning out to be an entertaining exercise in futility.  I've been toying around with the idea of deleting my account on the free site, because it has yet to produce anything.  As for the paid site, I'm already paid up for a couple of months and can't get a refund, so maybe I'll just keep the account open until the membership expires and see what happens.  In the meantime, I'm planning to focus my attention on the men of the real world, the flesh-and-bones guys who aren't on the other side of the computer screen and have the ability to make my toes curl by flashing their pretty smiles and wearing whatever it is that makes them smell so great.  And I can't wait to see what that brings!