Hey, Pretty Lady!

Today's post is inspired by a really cute Venn diagram I saw yesterday (yep, I just said a chart was "cute").  It showed that your reaction to a pickup line depends on your overall feelings toward the person using the line - if I like you I think "awww" and if I don't I think "ewww."  Here's the link for the chart itself:Reaction to Pickup Line.  This got me thinking about some of the lines I've heard lately and I thought it would be fun to share some of the stories with you.

First, there are the typical lame ones:

• I've lost my number, can I have yours?  [Sure thing, pal.  It has three 5's in it.  I look forward to hearing from you when you figure out the other 4 numbers and the order in which they appear.]
• You look just like my next girlfriend.  [I bet.]
• Are you from Tennessee? [I like to say yes to this one.  It produces a lovely confused look and the ability for me to make a quick escape before he can finish by saying "because you're the only 10 I see."]
• How do you like your eggs? [Unfertilized. Thanks for asking.]
• Hey beautiful lady. You're so beautiful. Will you marry me? I'm so in love with your beauty! [You know, since I was a little girl, I always dreamt of being proposed to by the guy working the cheap gold jewelry stand at the mall.]

Then there are the guys who don't use lines, preferring to go straight to the point:

• FB's?  [It took me a minute to figure out what that meant. Call me naive, but my first guess was not that this was an offer to be friends with benefits, minus the friends part and focusing more on the benefits.  Romantic? No. Repulsive? Yes.]
• I have a problem. You should come over and help me out with it. [What's the problem? Out of lotion?  I know what you want and I'm not helping.]

My favorites lately have been the guys who were creative.  Neither of them got anywhere, but they get points for effort and for making me laugh.  Here's the first one:

I was enjoying a night out with friends a couple months ago, dancing away at a bar in the city.  The DJ was playing a mix of NOLA rap, general booty shaking music, and old school movie songs (songs from Grease, that sort of thing).  At one point, he played You've Lost That Loving Feeling.  Right as the song started, a guy tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Hi. I'm Maverick. You must be my teacher."  He proceeded to serenade me and I let him because it was hilarious and completely out of the ordinary.  Once the song was over, he went back to his friends and I went back to mine, laughing hysterically at how I'd just been Mavericked at the bar.

And the next one:

I was out Saturday night and knew the night was drawing to a close for our group.  I went up to the bar to close my tab when a guy walked up and said, "Put your arm up."  I was skeptical, partly because it didn't make any sense, but mostly because I was wearing a strapless dress and pictured bad things happening if my hands were in the air.  I asked him why and he said, "Because it's time."  So I played along and put my arm up.  What did he do?  He pretended he was a ballerina and spun himself in circles using my hand.  I laughed and shook my head and tried to make an exit when he said those four magic words: "How about a shot?"  We got the shots and he proposed a toast "to a promising new relationship."  My response: "Really?  Does it include a giant rock on my finger?  And then an intimate, but beautiful wedding, followed by a modest house with a white picket fence, two kids, a cat and a dog?"  He said maybe (nothing was deterring this one).  I took the shot from him and then he proceeded to pull out a wad of cash from his pocket, in what I can only imagine was a lame attempt to show me he had money.  So you have money? Good for you.  Now I and everyone else standing at this bar know it.  I hope you don't get mugged tonight, genius.  As he was casually flipping through his bills, I walked away.

Other fun encounters Saturday night involved being hit on by 2 friends of a friend.  One of them pretended to not know my name, spouting off dozens of random facts about me and saying, "I can't believe I don't remember your name. I know all this stuff about you and you're beautiful. I should know your name."  He was interrupted by the other friend and this exchange:

Him: I've always liked you.
Me: Good to know.
Him: No. Really. I've always liked you. Like, always.
Me: Right. Got it.
Him: I want to take you out.  How about dinner this week?
Me: No, thanks.
Him: Come on.... dinner one night...
Me: Nope.  Won't happen. Besides, I have no free nights.
Him: Well what about next weekend?
Me: No.
Him: And you don't want to have dinner with me this week?
Me: No. [pause] Oh look! My friends are finally here!!  Gotta go.

Now I know what you're thinking... with all this interaction I must have an overblown ego.  Not at all.  What gives me an overblown ego is the fact that I've dropped 3 pants sizes since January.  This stuff?  It's definitely not making me some self-absorbed crazy girl because all of the aforementioned guys have been ones that fall on the "ewww" side of that Venn diagram.  Like one of my friends said recently - I have no problem attracting guys.  I just happen to attract all the wrong ones.  That's what is keeping me in check.  I'm plagued by thoughts of "what the hell?" and "where the shit is Prince Charming?" as opposed to thoughts of "I'm so popular!"

It's all good, though.  I'm enjoying the funny moments, the gross moments and the awkward moments because I know that all of these "ewwws" are leading to an "awww."

How to Say No

I have really enjoyed writing this blog.  It's been a great way to clear my head, keep my heart safe, and prevent me from making dozens of calls to tell the same story repeatedly.  But for all the good it has done, it has also brought some complications to my love life.

The primary problem is that, by putting it all out there, people know I'm single.  How is that a problem?  It's resulted in people coming out of the woodwork to take me out or tell me how they've always felt.  It's not that I think I'm better than anyone else or that I'm an evil woman, it's just that the guys who have been contacting me lately are guys I'm not interested in dating.  It's not you, it's not me, it's chemistry. We don't have it.  Or, as seems to be the case recently, you think we have it and I disagree.  The guys who have asked me out since I started this blog a few months ago have been guys I've known for years.  Let's think about this for a second.... We've known each other for a long time.  I'm obviously putting myself out there.  If I thought you're the guy I'm looking for, trust me, you'd know it.  I've never been particularly good at hiding my feelings for someone. If I have a thing for you, it's pretty obvious.

That being said, the biggest problem I have with this blog is that it has taken away my ability to tell little white lies.  I'm the kind of person who wants everyone to be happy and everything to be harmonious and in balance (a true-to-form Libra, for those of you who believe in astrology).  If we go out and I realize I'm not feeling it, I don't want to waste my time or yours.  I also don't want to be mean or hurt your feelings, so if you ask me out again I'll generally default to the little white lie.  Usually, something like "I'd like to hang out with you as friends, but you should know I'm seeing someone" would do the trick.  But when you're posting updates on your single life for all the world to see, it's damn near impossible to say that you're seeing someone.  When it came to guys on dating sites, it was easy for me to say I didn't think we were a good match or that I wasn't interested.  But these aren't guys from dating sites.  These are guys I know and have known for a good while.  These are guys I consider friends - friends I never want to make out with or marry.

So the question is what do I do?  I try to steer clear of the vanishing act, but have used it in the past and will use it again if I absolutely have to.  What I'm looking for is the nice way to say "I'm just not that into you."  If you have any suggestions, please let me know.  All I've got so far is "I see those stars in your eyes. Stop that shit."  I know! Maybe if I passive-aggressively complain about it on my blog, certain people will get the hint!  That's the best idea I've had all day!!

Moving on... For those of you wondering how I keep getting myself into this pickle, it's quite simple actually.  I'm being completely blindsighted!  I take everything at face value, so when a guy says it would be cool to grab some lunch or coffee and catch up on what's happened in our lives since we last saw each other, I think we're doing just that.  And then, at some point over the course of lunch or dinner or coffee he makes an obvious comment or brings up my relationship status (or lack thereof) and I think to myself, "Crap... here we go again."  So the secret's out now.  If you want a date with me, just tell me we should get together to catch up.  It seems I can't say no to that offer.  My favorites have been the guys who have said they were coming to my town for something, only to find out later that they were coming to town to see me and made up having a work/family/whatever obligation.  Jerks.  That's not flattering. That's obnoxious.  For the record, only one guy over the course of the last 6 months has been able to pull the "we should catch up" card and have success, so just stop already.

I'll end my rant with this quote: "When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows."

I Quit! But the Blog Continues...

This is my first post in a couple of weeks.  You may be wondering what happened to make me vanish from blogging, but nothing happened, really.  It's just that I quit.  No, not blogging (obviously).  But I did quit online dating.  I totally and completely removed and deleted my profile from the paid site.  I've had more than I can handle of crazy people, both in the real world and the online world, and decided I just didn't want to deal with it anymore.  No more meeting men online for me.  Now it's back to doing things the old-fashioned way.

What does this mean for the blog?  Nothing, I hope.  I'd like for it to continue.  I just have to continue to date and then there shouldn't be a problem.  I don't see anyone trying to stop me from enjoying my single girl ways, either, so that is also not a problem.  I played around with a few ideas on where the blog goes from here, but I haven't really decided what to do with it.  I was putting some books away at the store about a week or so ago and saw one called Love in 90 Days.  It was something like a challenge or a prescription, one of those books where you do as the author says for 90 days and then presto!  Love appears in all its glory.  I thought about picking up a copy and blogging about my 90 day adventure, but step one was to sign up on at least one dating site (no, thanks).  Step two was to sign up for at least three groups/hobbies/clubs where men will be.  With my schedule, that's just not going to happen.  I did see a couple of tips on my quick flip-through that I may incorporate into everyday life.  One was to say hello to three men/strangers each day.  That should be easy enough and it seems to make sense.  Another was to constantly date three men at once, as it will make it easier to find "the one."  That could be fun... or trouble....

So I was *this close* to picking up the book when a whole mess of thoughts and emotions came rushing in:

This is a crock of crap.  You can't possibly expect anyone to find real love in 90 days just by following your crazy-ass "rules."  But what if it works?  What if I get this book and listen to this crazy woman and I actually do find my one-and-only?  That would be amazing! But... Then I'll have to buy somebody a Christmas present and deal with juggling family functions at the holidays.  AND.... holy crap... I may never ever date again. Ever!  Am I really ready for forever with somebody? Hm.... This single thing has been kind of fun.  Next thing you know, I'll have to deal with sharing my bed and maybe even somebody who snores or has weird habits or something.  All that by Christmas?  I think I better put this back on the shelf for now.

After all was said and done, I've decided to stop worrying about love and happily ever after and start focusing on my kick-ass life.  I'm surrounded by great people and we have plenty of fun, and that's good enough for me.  I have my 10-year reunion in a couple of weeks, so maybe that guy I had a crush on in high school will be there and still be hot.  Or maybe there was a guy who always had a thing for me who will show up and tell me.  Or maybe I'll meet a totally random guy at the after-party who will be gorgeous and funny and amazing.  Maybe none of those things will happen and I'll decide it would be fun to try to beat a player at his own game.  Then again, one of the three random men I'll say hello to tomorrow could ask me out for a drink and could say something ridiculous that leads to a blog post.  Or I could decide to spend more time at Lowe's because, hot damn!, the guys I saw there today were some masculine, semi-attractive dudes and a little window shopping never hurt anybody.  Whatever I decide to do, the fact is that I have options and I plan to live it up as a single girl and not settle for the guy online who meets my criteria and is less crazy than the rest.  I'll make sure to keep you posted along the way.

Learning to Wear the Skirt

I am no good at dating.  No, really, I suck at it.  One of my problems is that I didn't start dating until college.  I was kind of a late bloomer (some might say prude, I prefer thinking I had priorities and boys weren't one of them).  Another problem is that I'm a serial monogamist.  My relationships have been long ones - a couple that each lasted a year, one that was 6 months or so, and another that went on for 3 years.  I spent 5 1/2 of the last 10 years in a relationship.  The other 4 1/2 years?  They haven't been pretty.  I've made plenty of mistakes (no regrets, thankfully), recovered from a broken heart, and enjoyed life as a single girl not looking for love.  While the last few months have been amusing, I can't help but feel that I'm banging my head against a wall.  I have been stuck in an endless cycle of crazies and guys who are playing with my mind (and, in some cases, my emotions).  What am I doing wrong?  Am I pushing them away?  Are they only a little into me?  What is the deal????  I now have an answer, or at least a good start.

A few days ago, I was on my break at job #2, ranting on the phone about guys to a friend of mine.  A coworker who was also on break overheard my conversation, but I didn't think much of it.  Later that night, I was talking to other coworkers about how a different friend of mine had been asked out on a date in person, and how I still want to be courted and wooed and whatnot.  At that point, the guy who heard my earlier phone call chimed in, saying, "Girl, listen to yourself.  You sound crazy!"  I sound crazy?  What the hell does that mean?  Is it crazy to want to be charmed by some guy?  I asked him to explain, and here's what went down:

In the course of my earlier phone call, he heard me telling my friend that I was getting aggravated with game playing and confusion and it was past time that I started showing these guys who's really in charge.  It was time for me to call the shots and them to take it or leave it.  Then, there I was saying I wanted to be pursued and treated like a lady.  He's so right, I sounded like a crazy person.  In fact, he said, "You can't have it both ways. You either get to be the man and wear the pants or be the girl and wear the skirt. I suggest you be the girl."  Needless to say, us gals were up in arms at the idea that we couldn't have our cake and eat it, too.  I decided to test his theory and spent the next few days changing up my interactions with guys.  Instead of being blunt, I tried being flirty.  I focused more on giggling and hair twirling (though considering 99.9% of my interactions with guys are via computer or text, it was more virtual giggling and mental hair twirling).

It worked!  Next thing I knew, I was getting more texts, messages, FB chats and invitations for actual face-to-face interaction.  Maybe he was on to something....

Now, it hasn't been all sunshine and kittens since I got my talkin' to.  I'm very much struggling with the idea of letting go of the reigns and allowing a guy to chase me.  I'm a very impatient person - I want what I want, when I want it.  It's very difficult for me to not send the first text or instigate the IM conversation, but I'm working on it.  I'm also trying to un-learn everything I've been taught by advice columnists, blogs, relationship books and cheesy romantic comedies.  All of those things have been telling us the rules have changed, and that if you want a guy you should go and get him.  According to my newly discovered voice of reason, nothing has changed.  If a guy wants you, he will come and get you.  If you have to go get him, maybe he didn't really want you to begin with.  Guys still want to pursue girls, and we need to let them pursue us.

This doesn't mean we need to give up who we are.  As he told me, I should continue to be a strong-willed, independent woman.  All I'm doing is letting the guy do the work in the beginning.  As he said, "He'll be thinking he's got you wrapped around his finger, but you'll really be the one in control."  Interesting concept, isn't it?  You mean I just need to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride?  Sounds good to me!

So, to all you guys out there - if it seems like I'm acting a little funny, please excuse me.  I'm working on the art of flirting and being a girl.  In the words of The Pretenders, "Gonna use my arms/gonna use my legs" and probably my smile, and my hair, and my eyes.  I may even use a goofy pickup line and start calling you "sexy."  Hope you're ready for it, but don't say I didn't warn you.