Learning to Wear the Skirt

I am no good at dating.  No, really, I suck at it.  One of my problems is that I didn't start dating until college.  I was kind of a late bloomer (some might say prude, I prefer thinking I had priorities and boys weren't one of them).  Another problem is that I'm a serial monogamist.  My relationships have been long ones - a couple that each lasted a year, one that was 6 months or so, and another that went on for 3 years.  I spent 5 1/2 of the last 10 years in a relationship.  The other 4 1/2 years?  They haven't been pretty.  I've made plenty of mistakes (no regrets, thankfully), recovered from a broken heart, and enjoyed life as a single girl not looking for love.  While the last few months have been amusing, I can't help but feel that I'm banging my head against a wall.  I have been stuck in an endless cycle of crazies and guys who are playing with my mind (and, in some cases, my emotions).  What am I doing wrong?  Am I pushing them away?  Are they only a little into me?  What is the deal????  I now have an answer, or at least a good start.

A few days ago, I was on my break at job #2, ranting on the phone about guys to a friend of mine.  A coworker who was also on break overheard my conversation, but I didn't think much of it.  Later that night, I was talking to other coworkers about how a different friend of mine had been asked out on a date in person, and how I still want to be courted and wooed and whatnot.  At that point, the guy who heard my earlier phone call chimed in, saying, "Girl, listen to yourself.  You sound crazy!"  I sound crazy?  What the hell does that mean?  Is it crazy to want to be charmed by some guy?  I asked him to explain, and here's what went down:

In the course of my earlier phone call, he heard me telling my friend that I was getting aggravated with game playing and confusion and it was past time that I started showing these guys who's really in charge.  It was time for me to call the shots and them to take it or leave it.  Then, there I was saying I wanted to be pursued and treated like a lady.  He's so right, I sounded like a crazy person.  In fact, he said, "You can't have it both ways. You either get to be the man and wear the pants or be the girl and wear the skirt. I suggest you be the girl."  Needless to say, us gals were up in arms at the idea that we couldn't have our cake and eat it, too.  I decided to test his theory and spent the next few days changing up my interactions with guys.  Instead of being blunt, I tried being flirty.  I focused more on giggling and hair twirling (though considering 99.9% of my interactions with guys are via computer or text, it was more virtual giggling and mental hair twirling).

It worked!  Next thing I knew, I was getting more texts, messages, FB chats and invitations for actual face-to-face interaction.  Maybe he was on to something....

Now, it hasn't been all sunshine and kittens since I got my talkin' to.  I'm very much struggling with the idea of letting go of the reigns and allowing a guy to chase me.  I'm a very impatient person - I want what I want, when I want it.  It's very difficult for me to not send the first text or instigate the IM conversation, but I'm working on it.  I'm also trying to un-learn everything I've been taught by advice columnists, blogs, relationship books and cheesy romantic comedies.  All of those things have been telling us the rules have changed, and that if you want a guy you should go and get him.  According to my newly discovered voice of reason, nothing has changed.  If a guy wants you, he will come and get you.  If you have to go get him, maybe he didn't really want you to begin with.  Guys still want to pursue girls, and we need to let them pursue us.

This doesn't mean we need to give up who we are.  As he told me, I should continue to be a strong-willed, independent woman.  All I'm doing is letting the guy do the work in the beginning.  As he said, "He'll be thinking he's got you wrapped around his finger, but you'll really be the one in control."  Interesting concept, isn't it?  You mean I just need to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride?  Sounds good to me!

So, to all you guys out there - if it seems like I'm acting a little funny, please excuse me.  I'm working on the art of flirting and being a girl.  In the words of The Pretenders, "Gonna use my arms/gonna use my legs" and probably my smile, and my hair, and my eyes.  I may even use a goofy pickup line and start calling you "sexy."  Hope you're ready for it, but don't say I didn't warn you.