I'm Not Your Single Friend

I've been on hiatus the last couple of weeks.  This wasn't an intentional break from blogging, but an accidental one resulting from the fact that I've had no thoughts, encounters, or moments over the last few weeks that made me think "Oh I need to post about that!"  I did briefly entertain the idea of blogging about relationship-related things I was thankful for, but then life got in the way and I didn't have two seconds at my computer to spit out a post.  But on looking back at the last couple of blog-free weeks, and the last few months, actually, I feel the need to point something out to those of you who are still reading: I am not one-dimensional.

Contrary to what you may think given the nature of my posts, there is more to me than my relationship status.  And while you may be reading this thinking "duh.. I know that," it's becoming clear to me that some people don't.  This begins my rant.

I don't spend my waking hours or my dreaming ones thinking of Mr. Right or longing for my wedding day.  It will come in time, but I don't obsess over it.  I don't wonder if every guy I come in contact with is single or if he could be the guy for me.  I don't read romance novels or watch Lifetime movies (though I do watch reruns of "How I Met Your Mother" on Lifetime, but that's it).  As a matter of fact, my book collection includes humor, short story anthologies, sports books, inspirational books, biographies, books on terrorism and classics.  I keep my reading of romance novels to summertime when I want something I can read in one sitting at the pool, though most of my reading material this past summer was the latest issue of The New Yorker magazine.  And my favorite TV shows?  Mostly crime dramas. I hate that the original Law & Order is gone, but I watch SVU and really enjoy Criminal Minds and CSI:NY. I also record House, HIMYM, Big Bang Theory, and Glory Daze because the humor keeps me balanced.

The folks who really know me, my actual friends, know there's more to me than who I'm dating, and I am forever grateful for that.  But there are so many people out there who claim to be a friend but have this idea that I am best described as "the single girl" and it's beginning to bother me.  I hate that there are people who think it's helpful or friend-like to mention my name when a guy says that he's single.  I prefer the people who mention my name when someone says they enjoy politics (don't remember if I mentioned this in any previous posts, but my full-time job is in government).  And while I appreciate book recommendations, I like the kind that come when asked or when someone tags me in a facebook list of good books they've read.  I may not have responded to that post, but it's helping me to prioritize what I read next on my list of 30 books to read before I turn 30, so thanks.  But if you think you're being a great friend for letting me know Steve Harvey has another relationship book out, you're doing quite the opposite.  I work part-time at a bookstore. Trust me, I know about Steve Harvey's new book.  If it's something I want to pick up then I will, but it's highly unlikely that it will ever happen (as one of my BFF's told me - I'm not socially retarded and don't need to waste my time on self-help crap).  And your attempt at being a great friend is actually showing me how little you really know about me.

I understand that it is my responsibility to help you know me better, so here are some suggestions of ways to think of me (in no particular order):

• The girl who enjoys dancing - I'm currently in my 17th year of jazz, tap, ballet and lyrical classes at a studio I began at when I was 2.  I also took 2 years of dance classes in college and was part of the Theatre Dance Ensemble.
• The girl who likes football - I spend Friday nights in the fall in the press box at my high school football stadium. My dad is the announcer and I'm his spotter.  I watch football on Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays and the occasional Thursday (unless I'm at work). I love the Saints, LSU and the Voodoo arena football team.
• The girl who is sarcastic/snarky - I have friends who think my sarcasm is endearing and that it makes me funny. That's cool.  The simple fact is that I'm not the girl who will dote over you and fake concern. Case in point: a guy at the store (attractive and unmarried, at that) told me that a piece of ceiling tile fell mere inches from where he was standing and that he could've been hurt (not in the sense that he wanted to speak to a manager, but more in the sense that he was trying to flirt with me - had been all night). My response: "Yeah, I saw you go down that aisle and then I saw the tile fall and I thought 'that could suck.' Come back and see us and we promise not to try to kill you next time."  Apparently the correct response involved me saying something like, "You poor thing! Are you ok?" or some similar crap.  Again, I'm not that girl.
• The girl who did pageants - It's true. I started competing in high school and continued in college. Won a couple of titles, spent most of my time as the perpetual first-runner up, and even vied for the title of Miss Louisiana (America, not USA).  Won some good scholarship money, had a great wardrobe, had a crew that followed me around while I competed (my "traveling circus"... love those guys), learned a lot about the citrus industry, got to know different parts of the state, and had an awesome time doing all of it! There continue to be girls out there who call me for advice when they compete in different pageants, and I'm always happy to help and lend out some interview suits or evening gowns.
• The girl who knows a good deal about disasters - I'm talking fires, hurricanes, earthquakes, that kind of stuff.  I spent 4 years chasing hurricanes with FEMA and moved to North Carolina to get a graduate certificate in Emergency Management.  When I was with FEMA, I worked with the nonprofit and faith-based groups to help those who were falling through the cracks. I worked long hours and long weeks (often 12-hour days and 7-day weeks), but at the end of it all I knew people were able to return home partly because of my efforts, and that's an unbelievable feeling.
• The girl who cracks up bookstore coworkers with her bad Sarah Palin impression - It's really not that special or good, but some of the guys find it hilarious. I throw out my best Fargo accent and say "You betcha!" and "Dontcha know" and they laugh every time.  I'm no Tina Fey, but it helps the closing shifts go by faster.
• The girl whose brother works in NASCAR - I used to hate auto racing with a passion. I mean, what could possibly be fun about watching grown men spend 3 hours making left turns? But my brother wanted nothing more than to work in that industry and I will always support him.  Three years ago he was hired on by the best company in all of NASCAR, Hendrick Motorsports, and at 24 he is the proud owner of 3 championship rings.  And after living with him in Charlotte (race capital of the USA) for 2 years, I now know more about the sport than I ever thought I would.  This can also be cross-referenced with the girl who is really close to her brother and is so proud of his success she sometimes tears up thinking about it.

Those are just a few of the things I thought about, but there are others.  I have friends who associate me with the one Cher song I hate, friends who associate me with cows (only black & white ones, though), and a whole host of other things.  I hope that, going forward, people will associate me with any or all of these things I mentioned, rather than only seeing me as the girl with the relationship blog who is looking for a man.  If you really knew me, you'd know that's not me at all.

*end rant*

I May Settle Down, But I'll Never Settle

You know that old saying "when it rains, it pours?"  I think that would pretty accurately describe my life these days.  Thank goodness for unlimited texting, free long distance, and decent calling plans, or my cell phone bill would be astronomical.  It's great to have options, that's for sure.  But do you know what's really great about them?  Having options lets you stack up the competition.  Instead of settling for Mr. Good Enough, I can compare them all and make (hopefully) better decisions.  So far, it's working quite nicely.  It's amazing how having one or two legitimate options can help you to quickly and easily realize that others aren't right for you and that it's time to cut ties and move along.

In most cases, I knew I wasn't feeling it for someone or was no longer feeling the same way about someone I once thought had potential (case in point - someone said to me "you could do better" and my immediate, verbal response was a matter-of-fact "I know".... this has happened twice in the last month).  But then I'd start getting bored with life and start thinking of the ones waiting in the wings, the guys I knew I could call when life got me down for happy conversation and maybe some shameless flirting.  You know what? That's never a good idea.  I've never liked being the girl who was called when there were no other options, and I don't like the thought of doing that to someone else.  That's just not cool for anybody.  So if I did that to you, my apologies. And if you're doing that to me, STOP IT! I'd rather not hear from you at all than only hear from you when you're bored/lonely.  So there I was, in this funk, surrounded by guys who created a level of excitement that could best be described as "meh"...

And then the phone rang....

I can't tell you how long it's been since I've gotten a call or text or fb message or whatever that had me flustered, but it was one of those.  Think back for a minute to when you were 13 and that cute guy at school said hi to you by your locker or passed a note to you in class.  Do you remember how it felt to have those butterflies in your stomach?  Or to tell your friends every detail of what seemed like the biggest moment of your life, all while squealing "OMG!!" and giggling like crazy people?  Or going weak in the knees when he walked by? (Or giving him a code name so you could talk about him with him standing right next to you, none the wiser? ..... No?? Maybe it was just me & my friends.)

That feeling is AMAZING!!  I forgot what it was like to have those teenager-ish feelings about someone, as it's probably been 6 years or so since someone made me giddy like a schoolgirl.  Then I started to wonder where those feelings have been all this time.  I've been single for about 3 years now and have obviously been on dates in that time, but I find it difficult to think of one guy who made me that excited.  Lately, my pre-date routine has involved waiting until the last possible second to get ready and throwing on whatever is clean.  In some cases I even put on blush and mascara, but full makeup has been a rare thing.  Nobody has really felt worth the effort.

I feel like I'm now able to see that more clearly than I had been.  No more wasting anyone's time with thoughts of settling for someone who is just sort of ok.  If you text me and all I can think is "ugh... I was in the middle of a nap," then it's time to move on.  Those guys who aren't right will now be forever relegated to the dreaded friend zone.  If they're cool with that, then great.  Just know that when I ask for help moving furniture, it's not a euphemism and there will be no special thank you's for a job well done.

As for this new man with potential, maybe something will happen and maybe it won't.  Either way, I'm excited to see what the future has in store and I refuse to settle because I know Mr. Right is still out there somewhere.

High School Crushes and Future Relationships

Ricky Martin's memoir came out this week.  That may not mean anything to you, but for me it brought back memories of high school, Living La Vida Loca, and the oodles of times I have been sorely misguided in my quest to find a man.  Yes, friends, I had a major crush on a super-gay Ricky Martin.  He's a gorgeous man who could sing and dance - what's not to love?  Sadly, this has been but one of many poor choices when it comes to men.  Also when I was in high school, I, like many girls, loved the boys of *NSync.  But did I crush on Justin Timberlake or JC Chasez?  Of course not.  I wanted Lance Bass.  Dear God, what is wrong with me???  So when Lance was outed, I was heartbroken.  And I was heartbroken again when Ricky came out of the closet. (Now part of me is waiting for the rest of my crushes and exes to reveal that they, too, prefer guys, but I take comfort in knowing that some of them will never utter those words.)

Surely having two celebrity crushes turn out to be gay doesn't make me a complete failure.  But when I combine that with the rest of the guys I have loved and lost, it makes me wonder where I went wrong.  I have this fancy list of all the things I'd like in a guy - the guy who meets my age range, non-smoking, pro-voting, job-having (etc etc) criteria.  But that's really just a pipe dream.  That criteria is my ideal guy, one I may never find.  If you break it down to my absolute minimum requirements, I really only want three things:

1. Someone who will treat me well
2. Someone who will challenge me
3. Someone with whom I have chemistry

That's it.  When it all comes down to it, give me those three things and I will be satisfied. Anything else is a bonus.  But here are the combinations I have been able to find so far:

• Treats me well + challenges me = just friends
• Treats me well + chemistry = doormat (aka yes man, aka boring)
• Challenges me + chemistry = jerk

I have, on rare occasion, found guys who have all three.  But then the inevitable happens - one of us lacks emotional availability.  The timing is wrong for whatever reason and it just doesn't happen.  And you know what? That sucks big time.  Whether it's someone I walked away from because I was an idiot, or someone who said no to me for whatever reason, it's never something that sits well with me.

There's a chart (found here: http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-a-chart-that-perfectly-reflects-my-dating-history/), a triangle actually, that says you have to pick two out of attractive, intelligent and emotionally stable.  I'm not even asking for attractive and intelligent.  Those qualities are subjective, if you think about it.  I know people who think their significant others are incredibly beautiful or super smart and I don't see the same thing when I'm around them.  That's ok, though.  What works for you doesn't have to work for me.  I just want my 3 things and a guy who is man enough to say, "Ok... let's try this for real."

That's right, I'm talking a relationship here.  And I know some of you are wondering what a relationship with yours truly would entail.  At some point in the past, it would have meant a lot.  Now, not so much.  You see, I have two jobs (and am currently working on attaining a third - color me crazy).  So would there be lots of time spent together? Nope.  Seeing each other once a week would be ideal, maybe twice if we're really lucky, but I wouldn't count on it.  You know what else would be nice? Having someone to dance with at the weddings I'm invited to (of which there is currently one between now and 2012).  Some girls need constant phone calls, but I'd take one every now and again.  Texting works better for me, though.  Throw in the peace of mind that you're not sleeping with someone else, and we're good to go (the easiest way to accomplish this is by simply adding that bf/gf label - no need to go facebook official or anything like that).  Maybe it will eventually evolve into something serious and beautiful (maybe it will devolve, who knows? I can't predict the future, and I'd guess neither can you).

Is that asking for too much?  Maybe, but I don't think so.  Over time I've come to realize that I can manage as a single girl, so I'm not looking for someone to complete me or fill the voids in my life.  What I'm looking for is someone to complement me (not to be confused with compliment, although I won't ever refuse one).  That's why I'm not looking for constant contact or daily visits or anything of that nature.  You live your life, I'll live mine, and there will be some overlap.

This should explain the point I'm trying to make:

Yep. That pretty much sums it up (originally found here: http://ilovecharts.tumblr.com/post/1346318542/meowface-relationship-advice-i-wish-i-could).

In completely related and borderline TMI news (don't say you weren't warned), I have been told this week by more than 4 people that I am wound up tight, appear super stressed, and could use some sort of release.  I have also been encouraged countless times to take a stranger home from a bar.  As we all know, I am not that girl.  So instead, I will find my release in copious amounts of football watching, an adult beverage or two, some dancing, and my 5:50 pm ritual of walking through the breezeway at my apartment to my car while watching the shirtless, muscular mystery man work out in the field across the street.  This will have to suffice until my next relationship begins, I guess.