So It's Gonna Be Forever or It's Gonna Go Down In Flames

For those of you who have asked when I would be putting up a new post, I've decided to go ahead and honor your wishes. So much has happened since my last post - highs, lows, laughter, tears, cursing the very existence of men everywhere, meeting people who gave me the tiniest bit of hope that they're not all awful... I could go on and on, but I won't. What I will say is that I've been back in the cesspool known as Tinder for about a month. It's exactly as it was before I left it - entertaining but ultimately useless. I continue to meet amazing guys at the wrong time and the wrong guys all the time. Some things may never change.

Instead of rehashing any of the stories of guys who have come and gone, I'm going to do something a little different this time. In keeping with the spirit of the holidays, I'd like to take this post to thank the people who matter most to perpetually single me. Thank you isn't enough for many of these people, but it's at least a start. Without further ado, a big thanks to (in no particular order):

• my best friend who is always there to listen to every detail of every encounter, text, phone call, date, whatever, and responds with advice when I need it, a kick in the rear when I need it, a distraction when I need it, and, most often, "Are you writing all this down? This will be a bestseller one day."
• my PNC who has seen all of the highs and all of the lows of the past few months in person, mostly at the local dive bar. I would say I'm sorry for all those times I so viciously shot down any guy who tried to interrupt our conversation, but I'm not. I can't go for that.
• my awesome friend who always seems to know where the party is, which turned out to be the best thing ever that day that I was REALLY ticked off: "This shall go down in history as the day I said 'fuck that guy!' and then had a parade!"
• my other awesome friend who also always knows where the party is and who magically texted me about going to a party on a day when I really needed someone to text me about going to a party. That Halloween party, the entire night, really, was completely out of control, and just what I needed. And our online dating Halloween costumes were on point. Mad props for your brilliant idea.
• my family, for holding out hope that I will not die alone after being eaten by the hundreds of cats I will inevitably adopt. Just know that I haven't given up hope either.
• my brother for always being right about guys. Seriously, I don't know how he does it. I give him 3 sentences about someone he's never met and I get back, "Nope. You can do better." One day I'll start listening.
• all of the very wrong men I've had some sort of emotional connection with this year. While ultimately nothing worked out, at some point you gave me a reason to keep believing that it was possible, that lightning does strike sometimes.To quote Garth Brooks, "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance." Thanks for dancing with me, even if we did step on each other's toes. (Bonus thanks to those who taught me to eat sushi. Damn, that shit is good! I still can't use chopsticks, but we can't all be good at everything. Just get me a damn fork.)
• the happily married or coupled up people I know. You're my inspiration and the reason I keep trying to find my Mr. Right.
• all my single friends. You are some amazing people and I'm so glad we're there for each other with screenshots of Tinder, stupid text exchanges, and all of our battle stories. Keep fighting the good fight. It's bound to happen for at least one of us.
• anyone I forgot. See? I didn't forget you. (Yep, still a sarcastic ass.) :)

And just for sitting through all that and all of the posts from the past few years, I'll give you an added holiday gift. Here's a text exchange from Sunday with a guy I had a thing with a couple years ago. Long story short, it was enough of a physical & emotional connection that I wanted more, but he wasn't able to give it. We weren't on the same page. Story of my life. Things have now changed and he wants the commitment while I'm not so sure (life is funny that way).

Him: "I'm at a strip club and they're so hot. Why can't I get you out of my mind?"
Me: "We always want what we can't have."
Him: "I'll leave my friends to see you."
Me: "Stay with your friends."
Him: "Ahh really? I can't come over and have a conversation?"
Me: "Negative"
Him: "I'll take 10 minutes."
Me: "You're welcome to call me but you're not coming over."
Him: "Talk about stuff. Not about us. General conversation"
Me: "You're not coming over"
Him: "So 9:33 and I can't come see you?"
Me: "No"
Him: "Damn I definitely like your style!"

I guess "cuffing season" does funny things to people. I'll be amazed if I can make it through the holidays without dying from laughter. I wish you all a Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/Hanukkah/Festivus/December and a Happy New Year full of love and joy! More to come in 2015...

Opening Up

The last few days I've seen friends post and repost a blog listing the reasons why you're still single. Reasons include not putting your phone down, too much pride, drinking too much, not being over an ex... pretty much all the standard stuff we've come to see in these types of posts. I had a hard time identifying with any of it, but I'm sure I could make one or two apply if I needed to. In all reality, I can tell you exactly why I'm single. Ready for it?

Vulnerability sucks.

I am a generally happy person who enjoys a large majority of great days thanks to wonderful people, a great job, and an overall fantastic life. I very much enjoy waking up in the morning and knowing that my day will be exactly what I make of it. Opening yourself up, letting someone else in, and being vulnerable now means that some outsider can have an impact on your mood, your day, your outlook. When everything is peachy, it's not really an issue. Maybe someone fantastic has put some extra pep in your step or made you eyes a little brighter and your smile a little wider. But we all know that even the best relationships aren't perfect 100% of the time, and eventually even the love of your life will leave you hurt, disappointed, or angry. That can really screw up your day.

I know somebody out there is saying that you shouldn't let someone else's actions or inaction have an impact on you, and that you should toughen up and give zero fucks, but that's no way to live, and that's really not how any of this is supposed to work. I've spent the better part of a decade as a single woman, and much of that time comes from not letting anyone in so I couldn't be let down. That's absolutely not the way to do it. You're not only missing out on heartache that way, you're also quite likely missing out on something amazing. Do not do what I once did.

Pain from vulnerability isn't exclusive to romantic relationships either. It can happen with friends; it can happen with family. No matter who it is or what type of relationship you have, when someone doesn't live up to your expectations it sucks. Every. Single. Time.

So what are you supposed to do? If closing yourself off isn't the answer, what is? Communication seems like a great start. Talk it out, see if things improve. If they don't, walk away. Keep yourself from a backslide by adopting this phrase: "I'm sorry he got hit by that bus. I didn't even get to say goodbye." (Disclaimer: no one should actually be hit by a bus. It's just a mindset, not a plan of action. I'm only saying this because I know how some of you who read my nonsense can be...)

You may be tempted to build back the walls that you had started to tear down. Again on the personal experience, this is a bad idea. Building up, tearing down, build back up again, tear down, repeat... it's goddamn exhausting and a great way to get burned out on the entire process. Try to avoid this.

Take a deep breath and find that tiny voice buried deep inside you that is reminding you to keep the faith. Listen to that voice and hope the next time you kiss a frog will be the last time.

Perspective

There were so many posts I wanted to write last week, but somewhere over the course of this blog I promised myself to never post while hormonal, so I didn't. Considering my mood last week ran the gamut of emotions - happy, sad, disappointed, energetic, angry - you were all spared and you're welcome.

Here's a recap of anything of relevance since the last post:

1. I haven't posted in a while because I'm seeing someone. hahaha j/k If someone ever manages to make it past date #4 I'm holding a press conference.

2. According to Steve Harvey, date #4 is when people show their true selves. I don't quite remember the logic there, but I've found it to be surprisingly accurate.

3. I have read both of Steve Harvey's dating books, thanks to my mother gifting them to me. Many things don't apply, but some of them made me sit upright and automatically understand certain people better.

4. It's pretty grand when you run into "somebody that you used to know" (thanks, Gotye) and it has no impact on you. Moving on is a good thing.

5. One day when I was feeling particularly courageous/insane, I met 2 guys from a dating app. I met Patrick for lemonade in the early afternoon (that's no euphemism, we really drank lemonade in a cafe in the afternoon) and ran into Frank at a bar that night. Neither of them had used real names on their profiles. When Patrick introduced himself by his real name, I gave him one of these (because I have no poker face):

When I met Frank and he admitted to the same thing, I looked at him and flat out said, "Are you kidding me with this? Two of you in one day?" One of them had a semi-justifiable reason, neither of them get real consideration.

6. I started taking aerial silks classes about a month ago. I have yet to find words to describe how much I enjoy it. It's one hell of a workout, but it's so much fun. If you told me to do 40 jumping jacks, 30 push ups and plank for a minute or two in my living room, I would laugh at you and go back to sitting on my couch. But when I have to do that before I'm allowed to play in the sky, I'll do it twice if necessary. Sure, I leave battered and covered in bruises and silk burns, but I also leave feeling stronger and more capable than I knew I could be. There are things I can do now that I couldn't do in my first couple of classes, and there are many more things I need to master. I'm even developing guns! They look like toy water guns right now, but it's a start. I wish everyone could find something that would leave them feeling more confident, stronger, and more determined after just an hour.

7. I just looked at my fb page to see if I had missed anything that could be included here. Life has been eventful, but there hasn't been anything big on the dating scene. I did learn in the last couple of weeks that if I come across a man with real potential to be someone of serious impact, I will lose all ability to flirt. I've never been one for giggles and hair-twirling, but if you could see me in action around a man I'm into, you'd probably hug me and say "bless your heart." Case in point, I ran into a guy I knew out one afternoon. We said hello and my follow up was "ok, bye." And off I went. Smooth. Real smooth.

8. My ex-roommate got married Sunday afternoon. The ceremony and reception were wonderful (and at a place I had once booked for my own ill-fated wedding - that's right, I was briefly and misguidedly engaged once) and I am very happy for him and his new bride. It was super kind of them to give me a +1, but it was really unnecessary. I participated in all the traditional single gal events - the bouquet toss (if stepping out of the way counts as participation) and the cake pull.

For those unfamiliar with the fine NOLA tradition of cake pulls, here's a little rundown: small charms attached to ribbons are placed in the cake (sometimes baked in, sometimes frosted in). Single women identified by the bride & groom each pull a charm and learn their fate. The charms vary based on the desires of the couple, and often include a ring (next to be married) and a thimble (old maid). 

When you find yourself 31 and single, you tend to have a permanent place on the cake pull roster. There I was on Sunday, my fate in the hands of the ribbon I was holding, wondering what the future would hold. 

I pulled a streetcar.

It's supposed to mean that there will be travel-related good news coming my way. I'll take that!

Then I thought about the other things I've pulled. I have 2 Bourbon Street signs, 1 crawfish, a newly-acquired streetcar, a ring and a thimble. Do the ring and thimble cancel each other out? I certainly hope so. Considering all the ways I find to constantly enjoy my awesome city, I guess all the other pulls have been pretty accurate.

Put all of those things together and here's what I know for sure: I may not have a designated +1 for weddings and events, but I have the makings of one fabulous charm bracelet and some pretty great memories to go with it! It's all about perspective. :)

Being Phenomenal

Maya Angelou passed away today. Her poetry was such an inspiration to me and, at times, a crutch. My grandparents gave me one of her books when I was in high school. (Grandpa suspects it was I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. I suspect it was The Complete Collected Poems of Maya Angelou. When I return home from work and extracurriculars this evening, one glance at my bookshelf will prove one of us right, or perhaps both of us wrong.) Regardless of which book it was, I can to this day - some 14+ years later - recite "Still I Rise" and "Phenomenal Woman." (Oddly enough, I was quite literally reciting the former while running water for my bath last night. First time I've done that in years.) Whether I was facing adversity, heartache, or a tough decision, I could rely on one of those poems to help me see things a little more clearly and be my best self in the process. Her passing breaks my heart, but her words will live forever.

Her death has caused a flood of her words, thoughts, and poems on social media today. I have clicked on just about every list, article and gallery I have seen related to her, and that's led to some of my own reflection. For a moment I debated bringing Dr. Angelou's wisdom in on a conversation about online dating, as doing so may be doing her a disservice, but I think this angle may make it ok. We shall see.

I deleted one of my profiles on Sunday. I had 2 of them, and still have one, but the other is gone. The one app I kept allows you to only have conversation once mutual attraction has been established. I have heard the arguments that the app is superficial and that you're only judging people based on their pictures and a few words on a screen. Let's not be ridiculous here - that's what all online dating is. I don't care what platform you're using; your decisions are based on pictures and words. This particular one just makes it more obvious that this is how your decisions are made. The one I deleted allows any one person to contact any other person. It doesn't matter if I specify a 40 mile radius, I can - and have been - contacted by people thousands of miles away. It doesn't matter if I specify an age range, older and younger folks have reached out.

My growing frustration over the messages from people I just wasn't interested in was causing me to be snarky, dismissive, and sometimes to just outright ignore people. Let me not be mistaken, I am a sarcastic person. The snark is nothing new. But this was making it worse. Someone I care for deeply once told me how much he hated my sarcasm, and I've been making a conscious effort to be better about it, and this was just making it worse. I've felt much better since I deleted it. The other app remains, but less utilized than it had been. 

I still have a hard time believing the man for me will first cross my path on a website or on an app. I think it's fantastic for all of those people who have found love and happiness that way, but I have struggled with and continue to struggle with the idea that my story, our story, unfolds that way. I prefer to think we'll both be attending the same concert, or trivia night, or festival, or something else I have gone to for a very specific purpose, only to walk away with so much more. The result will be a couple of ordinary people with an extraordinary love.

"Love recognizes no barriers. It jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination full of hope."

Part of what has been holding me back from that extraordinary thing is that I had lost sight of who I was lately and had been shifting into someone else, a person I was pretty sure I would not like if I had met her on the street. Realizing that was half the battle. Now that some burdens have been removed and unnecessary weight has been lifted, I'm going to look to Dr. Angelou for wisdom as I have done many times before. 

"We have to confront ourselves. Do we like what we see in the mirror? And, according to our light, according to our understanding, according to our courage, we will have to say yea or nay — and rise!"

Time to "put a little starch in [my] backbone" and rise. Some friends looked on in awe as I did a kind, unprompted thing for a stranger over the weekend. My response to them was, "I can be nice, just not to single men." That needs to stop. If I can be unafraid to drop from high in the air in my aerials class, I can, as Dr. Angelou said, "have enough courage to love." Changes to your soul, to your core, don't happen overnight. But we are an ever-evolving species, and with the right attitude, hard work, and the motivation and inspiration of the amazing people in my life, I will continue to grow and improve and, if I'm lucky, become half the "phenomenal woman" Dr. Angelou was.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.
I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need for my care.
’Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

So Much Stuff I Made a Listicle

The last couple of weeks have been nothing short of insane. Lots of mostly good stuff, a few obnoxious moments. Let's save us all from multiple posts and just have a listicle instead! (And let's take a moment to either laugh or eye roll - or both - at the word "listicle.") These are in no particular order.

1. James Marsden on screen is sexy. James Marsden in person is even better.

2. I am a football girl, always have been and always will be. I like other sports (basketball, NASCAR, soccer), but baseball has always bored me to tears. I can get behind the college world series, but MLB and I don't get along. That said, baseball players are some good looking fellas.

3. Finding out the next day that the minor league baseball player you flirted with all night actually has a major league contract might blow your mind a little. In a world full of people who want to announce how they're kind of a big deal, it's super refreshing when someone just doesn't do that.

4. Physical violence is never the answer to whatever problem you're having. In all reality, if you take a deep breath and step back, the problem may not be as big as it seems. I don't care what someone said about your cell phone, your mama, your significant other, your job or your pet, there's just no good reason for hitting someone. And if you're getting physical because you think women find it sexy, you're wrong. Sure, some chick somewhere might like that, but I hope you two never find each other because the world just doesn't need the chaos that would ensue.

5. Australian accents are great. Australian accents on attractive men are better. Hearing an attractive man with an Australian accent tell you that you're "fucking gorgeous" may result in an uncontrollable giggle fit.

6. I may be the world's worst flirt. "I'd like to buy you a drink because... you... look... thirsty?"

7. "I'm looking for someone who wants to hit it and not quit it" is a great phrase. It is appearing in this blog because I said it would.

8. Sometimes you really like a person and do nothing about it except harbor a crush. And then life gets in the way and time and distance keep you from seeing each other and you think you're over it, but then one day your paths cross and you realize you're not. When that happens, you come to the realization that maybe it's time to man up or move on, because you're doing a disservice to yourself and wonderful single men around you by not being fully available.

9. I am absolutely terrified to man up.

10. It's highly likely that I'm not fully available (as opposed to the constant accusation that I'm exceptionally picky).

11. Those last 3 points could have all been put under one number, but I spaced them out as a tribute to Peter King and his inability to make a numbered list in any way that makes sense.

a. In full tribute to Peter King, I'm throwing in a letter that doesn't belong because that is how bad his lists are.

12. I can't get behind the idea of being with someone because you're content with each other. As my Graunt, aka the voice of reason, would ask me anytime I had a past relationship issue, "Are you happy?" Happy and content are not the same thing, and I refuse to settle for the latter.

13. If you "meet" someone online and then find yourself apologizing for your behavior before you even meet in person, this probably does not bode well.

14. The award for worst possible suggestion for the first in-person meet up with someone from the internet surely goes to the guy who wanted to meet me in the ICU waiting room of a local hospital. There is nothing ok about that suggestion.

15. Tinder is hilarious. What is not funny is when a stranger walks up to you and says, "I just swiped right on you." This happened to a friend of mine Friday night. Ladies and gents of internet dating, let's all remember to try not to be creepy.

16. It's unfortunate that "yolo" has been associated with stupid people doing stupid things. Life should be celebrated and we should all embrace the one shot at it that we each have and enjoy the hell out of it.

I think that's a good place to stop. It really has been a wild couple of weekends, and I'm sure I missed something, but I can surely address any omissions later. Seriously, though, what kind of guy suggests meeting up in a hospital waiting room? Who are these weirdos that I attract?? Time to get back to swiping.

And Then There Were None

Bear with me here, folks, as this is all very fresh on my mind since it really just wrapped up within the last couple of hours. I was briefly seeing two guys, and then one guy, and now zero guys. We know what went down with one of them - he made me feel unwelcome in my own home and was just really not the right guy for me. Water under the bridge and incredibly easy to move on from (seriously, no love lost for a guy who flips out about shrimp). As for the other one...

I liked him. I really did and still do (naturally, I mean this all JUST happened). I enjoyed seeing him, spending time with him and talking to him. I was proceeding with caution, mostly because that's just how I operate, and also because, as he put it, we were pretty mismatched. I came to realize he was right about that and that we likely had an expiration date, but I was still willing and perfectly happy to continue on like we had until we just couldn't anymore. I didn't realize that time would come so soon.

It doesn't matter if you've been with someone for years or months, it still sucks when you agree that it's over. There are varying degrees of heartache, and this certainly isn't to the extent of sobbing into ice cream and cursing men, but there have been a couple tears today and there may be a couple more when I get home from work later. I'm an emotional being and I'm always sad to see something come to an end, even if I know deep down inside it wasn't meant to be. I also have this nagging feeling in my gut that there's more to the story, and while I tend to question my gut, it's such a strong feeling that I just can't question it. I'm trying to ignore it, though, partly because I can't do anything about it and partly because it really, really, REALLY pisses me off. And that's as far as I'm going to get into that one because I've already been passive aggressive enough about it.

I guess now it's time for this female Ted Mosby to get back on the proverbial horse. And if, should the time come for this blog to end with a happily ever after, I end up with someone I've known all along, you're all more than welcome to throw tomatoes at me or something. For now, the story continues...

You're Fired

It's been a frustrating morning. We had to reschedule a work function due to the threat of bad weather. It's a logical cancellation and I'm sure we will have a great event on the new date, but I'm still frustrated.

Remember in the last post how I mentioned having a less than spectacular 4th date with one of the 2 guys I've been seeing? That's part of the source of my work frustration. After a night that was so miserable I really thought the only way to end it was for me to run screaming from my own home, I heard nothing from him for a little while. Then he tried to claim his attempt at sarcasm just wasn't good. Really? What kind of crazy person tells the same bad joke for 2 hours? I'm not even close to foolish enough to believe that nonsense. That was followed up with a series of texts that made zero sense, followed by an explanation that those strange texts were the result of him being "over served" alcohol at an event. Nothing was making that terrible date any better. If anything, it all just kept getting worse. Then he asked me on Friday if I was free to meet up that night. I was not, as I was sitting in a nosebleed seat at the Elton John concert (a show I had mentioned going to no less than 8 times in the course of a week; it was amazing, BTW). I reminded him I was at the show, he said to enjoy myself, and that was that. Haven't heard much from him since, and I'm not complaining.

What does all of that long-winded storytelling have to do with my work function? He is supposed to attend that event (we work in the same industry). So even though I haven't heard from him in a good little bit, I knew I would see him tomorrow. I suspected he may say something or hint at something or, I don't know, something might come up and I have been preparing myself for the time that I have to be an adult and say, "This isn't working for me" or "I'm just not feeling this anymore" or "we should just be friends" or "you're fired" or "you're an ass clown." And now that moment has been taken from me (thanks, Mother Nature). I realize there is the distinct possibility that his radio silence is a solid indication he isn't feeling it either, which would be awesome, but sometimes you just really want to know that one door is completely closed so that you can really focus on the one that is open.

What's a girl to do?

On a much brighter note, I made a complete fool out of myself on a date with the other guy (who I guess at this point technically becomes the guy) last weekend and he has been totally cool about it. Word to the wise - that old adage "beer before liquor, never been sicker" is totally and completely accurate. Trust me on that and save yourself the embarrassment of learning it the hard way. I'll be much better about that this weekend, that's for sure!

What Does Your Gut Say?

Trust your gut. Trust your instincts. Go with your gut feeling. Are you listening to your gut? We've all run across this question or idea at least once in our lives. When it comes to my job, I'm great at this. My instincts are strong and rarely lead me astray. Elections? Most of the time I can call the runoff candidates and winner before the primary has happened. I can give you guidance or my theories on legislation - at any level - while it's still in process. It's not because I have inside information. My job is something I understand quite well. I trust my intuition and I'm right about things 9 times out of 10.

Relationships and men, on the other hand, not so much.

It's hard to even give your gut a chance to speak when looking at dating profiles. How can you possibly form an educated guess about a description of a person, let alone have your instincts kick in to tell you if they're bad news?

In the real world with 3 dimensional men, I'm not much better. Or maybe I am, but I'm second guessing myself. Or maybe not. But maybe. (And therein lies the problem.)

Let's take, for example, what happens when people ask me how this whole thing is going. I've said this exact line way more than once in regards to one person:

"He's pretty great. But..."  But what, exactly? "I don't really know. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop."

The question now is this: am I pushing away from a perfectly fine human being because I'm guarded or slightly afraid OR is my gut telling me something is off? I've been struggling with this for over a week. Then on the 4th date things went less than spectacular (read: shit-tastic) and I'm beginning to think it was my gut.

Flip of the coin: There's another guy who, by all accounts (mine and those of people who met him), is pretty awesome. There's one thing about him I'm struggling with, of which he is well aware. It wouldn't be abnormal or mean of me to say I didn't think it would work out and walk away. Do I want to do that? Nope. But why? I don't know. Something tells me to see where it goes, and that's really what I want to do. Is it my gut telling me to keep going? Maybe. Probably. Hell if I know. What I do know for sure is out of the stupid amount of dates I've been on in the last couple of weeks, my #1 favorite moment happened at a basketball game we went to. While I have often told myself I won't go into details on specific people or dates on this blog, I'm going to share with you fabulous readers what this one fantastic moment was that still sticks out so brightly in my mind (at the very least, it will give you an idea of the kind of crazy you get with me).

We're sitting at the game and I look over to see him yawning. I said to him, jokingly, "Sorry I'm not fun enough for you." Without missing a beat he said, "Me too." I cracked up laughing. Touche', sir. Had he said it with a frown or while glaring at me, I would've thought he was a jerk. But we both knew it was a joke, and I thought it was a pretty funny one. My sarcastic sense of humor met its match.

And now that I've relived that moment in my head, I feel better than I have in the last 24 hours. Many thanks to my mystery date for that moment (and, hey, you're important enough to be anonymously mentioned in my ridiculous blog! Go you!). Now I'll get back to trying to listen to my gut. So far all I can hear is that it's time to take down St. Patrick's Day decorations, and that I should probably cook a decent meal tonight.

The Latest and Greatest

I've pretty much stopped responding to new messages on my dating profile. It's still up because I'm not at any point where taking it down is the right move. I'll log on and read whatever new messages I've received (still lots of "hey" and "hi there" and nothing of real merit), but that's about it. I've just been a little busy lately and haven't really had much interest in whatever or whomever is out there.

In the last week, there have been drinks, a basketball game, a surprising amount of hot dog consumption, a parade, more drinks, and a day on the lake. And that's just from dating. Let's not get into my job or any other plans I've had that haven't been dates.

Here's all the relevant information that you need to know: I'm having a blast and I'd like to do something about this stupid grin that won't leave my face, but I can't figure out how to make it go away.

:D


And the answer to last week's question is 2, as of now.

Inquiring Minds

Seems some of you nosy bastards want to know how my weekend was. Here's a recap:

Friday night was enjoyable - dinner with family and drinks after with one of my girls. I spent most of the day Saturday on a girls' trip around NOLA, which was super fun. I spent Sunday doing stuff around my house. Overall, it was a very nice weekend.

What's that? You want to know about Saturday night? Well, I tried sushi for the first time ever. I didn't hate it, but it will definitely take some more attempts before I can decide whether I will be a sushi person or not. The ice cream after was pretty great. So was the company I had for the evening.

And while I know that Monday definitely isn't part of the weekend, I enjoyed pretty great company over beer & nachos last night.

Oh, you have another question? Same person or 2 different people?

Wouldn't you like to know...   ;)

What Happened on Saturday

If you read last week's post, you know that Saturday had the potential to be complete chaos since I invited basically everyone I knew to join my group for some Mardi Gras parades. Some people made it and some people didn't, but the ones who did seemed to have a great time (regardless of the fact that my dad was poking people with a questionable screw he found on the ground). Among those who showed up - a guy I met online.

On the surface it seemed like a great plan. I'll be surrounded by people who know me and can protect me in case this guy is a serial killer or something. Need a little liquid courage? Drinking is perfectly acceptable at Mardi Gras. Things not working out so well? I can always throw out a "great to meet you, but I need to go help my friend with her baby" or something like that.

After a couple hours of playing the "Oh, is that him?" game and texting back and forth about how I'm in a purple shirt standing next to someone in a pink wig (and then chasing the woman in the pink wig when she kept walking away from me - thanks for that), he showed up and we met in person for the first time. We talked a little from a few feet behind the vast stretch of parade route real estate my group had acquired. He asked if I knew everyone (yes) and if they were all family and friends.

And that's when it hit me.

This was the most uncool first meetup/date I could've ever planned.

Hi! Great to finally meet you in person! Allow me to now introduce you to my parents, my brother, my brother's girlfriend, my best friend and her husband, baby, parents and brother (who I lived with for 3 years). Over here are friends from college, and on that side over there is more family - my great aunt & great uncle, cousins, their kids, and their friends.

That's right - on the very first time I met this guy, he also met most of my inner circle, including my freaking parents! What was I thinking?!?!? Color me shocked (note: sarcasm) when he stuck around for a few minutes and then said he was leaving, but with a promise to come back. Yeah right, buddy. I just introduced you to my parents after 5 minutes of you actually knowing me. I certainly wouldn't hold it against you if you ran. Joke of the day came from a friend who said that guy's Saturday blog update would read "Crazy Chick Introduces Me to Her Parents at Initial Meeting."

But then the strangest thing happened....

He came back. And he stuck around. In fact, he fit in so easily that one of my college friends spent most of the night thinking he was a relative. At the end of the night, he said he enjoyed himself and thanked me for the invitation.

We have plans to see each other again this weekend. :)

A Note to the New Readers

Welcome to any and all of you who have only recently started reading this ridiculous blog! I'm so happy to have you here to share in this adventure with me. I just wanted to throw out some quick information to you to help make a couple of things clear.

I started this blog back in 2010 when I tried online dating for the first time. I found myself repeating stories to my friends and family and decided it would be easier to write it once and invite them to read it, so that's how this started. If you're incredibly curious, horribly bored, or just a fan of reading things on the internet, you are welcome to backtrack your way through to where it all began. I do it from time to time just to relive the journey and see how far I've come. The most important thing to keep in mind is that when I started this back then I wasn't ready. I was absolutely nowhere near the mindset I needed to be to date anyone, much less meet strangers off the internet. It had been about 2 years since a bad breakup, a terrible rebound, and a subsequent additional bad breakup, and I thought for sure that 2 years was enough time to heal. For me, it wasn't. The first clue should have been the amount of time I spent telling people how I was fine and over everything (the lady doth protest too much). The second clue is easily found in those earlier posts. No one came close to being good enough; I was incredibly and unreasonably picky. I cringe a little when I read those posts, but it's part of the learning and growing process. This is what you will find in the posts from 2010-2011. Proceed with caution, mind the dates of the posts, and know that I have gotten better (at least I think I have).

As for 2012-2013 posts, I wasn't actively online dating at that time. The posts you will see here (all 5 of them) are a variety of funny stories and diary entries. Maybe a song triggered a memory, or an article made me feel the need to vent. Maybe a guy I was crushing on made me feel a little crazy and I had to get it off my chest. Or maybe some super fantastic nut job invited me to survive the end of the world in his family's bunker. Regardless of the reason, I needed to clear my head. These posts are the result.

That brings us to 2014. I signed up on a website last month and here we are at the latest in online dating shenanigans. Sure it's fun to tell stories, but I also hope to take some of the stigma out of the whole issue. Since starting this bad boy up again, I've heard from several singles - both men and women - about what their experiences have been. Some people comment directly on Facebook threads, while others send me private messages, text me or share stories with me when we meet up in public. Life is more fun when you can share it with people, and online dating is no exception.

If you have a story to share, please feel free. If you have questions or suggestions, bring it on (though some of you are definitely not shy about speaking your mind). I've even had someone ask to do a guest post, and I'm cool with that, too. Let's make dating fun again, because even the really crappy dates can be great stories.

Thanks for reading!

Shaping Up to be a Great Weekend

I'll keep this post short because I really want to encourage folks to read this super amazing article:

How to Pick Your Life Partner

If you're single and struggling to figure it out, excellent read. If you're coupled up and struggling to figure out how people can be 31 and single, still an excellent read. I'm trying to decide who I want to spend the next 60+ years with (give or take). This is a HUGE decision.

Key takeaway:

 And when you choose a life partner, you're choosing a lot of things, including your parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence your children, your eating companion for about 20,000 meals, your travel companion for about 100 vacations, your primary leisure time and retirement friend, your career therapist, and someone whose day you'll hear about 18,000 times.

Intense shit.

I know you all come here for the humor (or at least that's my assumption), so here's a good look at what's to come:

My favorite day of the year, by far, is the Saturday before Mardi Gras. I'm part of a huge group of people that meets up in the same spot every year to throw a gigantic party that starts early in the morning and goes well into the night. I get so excited about it that the moment someone mentions any of the 3 parades that day and a desire to see them but an uncertainty of where to stand, I automatically invite him/her to join us. This year is no exception, and my list of invitees is growing. It currently includes a guy I met online, a guy I was seeing a while back, other guys I know who happen to be single, and anyone who sees my coming status on FB that will say all are welcome.

The universe is a great thing, so I imagine the options are none of them show up or all of them do. Keep your fingers crossed for all of them because I enjoy when the universe is funny and it will result in a better blog post for you all. (I promise I didn't invite all of these people to entertain the masses. I did it because I truly believe in the quality of our party and that everyone should have fun at Mardi Gras. And then I started rattling off who I had invited to my mom - because of course my parents will be there - and I went "oh, wait...")

Have a great weekend, Happy Mardi Gras, and laissez les bon temps rouler!!!

You Gotta Have Hope

A friend of mine and I were venting about guys earlier (ugh, guys...), which was exactly what I needed after eating ice cream for dinner and binge watching So You Think You Can Dance contemporary routines on YouTube during the NASCAR rain delay. We were talking about how people don't always behave how you would like them to, and how sometimes they let you down whether or not it's their intention to do so. We talked about relationships that came close but never actually were when she said, "It's like meeting a guy on summer vacation... not to get all Grease here..." And I told her it's actually nothing like that because, as we all know, at the end of Grease Danny & Sandy ride off in a flying car to what is surely their own happily ever after. Then she responded, "Well, it's like that if they didn't end up in the same high school together."

And therein lies the problem.

We live in a world of chick flicks, rom-coms, Disney movies and happily ever afters, and reality will never measure up to that fantasy world. Real life isn't all Notting Hill and When Harry Met Sally. Sleepless in Seattle was great, but I can't imagine there are that many couples in the world who found happily ever after when someone fell in love with a voice on the radio. If any chick flick comes close to real life, it's probably Casablanca - the woman from your past walked into your gin joint with another man, and left with him, too. Sorry, guy, sometimes it doesn't work out.

Sometimes life sends someone your way and you suddenly find yourself feeling like you're in a chick flick - you're inspired to make your feelings known and hold out hope that they're reciprocated. But life is less like a chick flick and more like a ridiculous episode of How I Met Your Mother. Sometimes you pour your heart out in a moment of strength you didn't know you had (or several moments, if you're a special kind of crazy) and you don't get the answer you want to hear. Even worse, sometimes you get this:

That's the exact opposite of fun, kids (though I highly recommend that episode, "Hooked," as we've all been on someone's hook at some point and have probably had someone on ours). And as much as that sucks, and as painful as it is to be hung up on someone who may feel the same way but isn't inspired to do anything about it, you have to keep going.

You have to keep trying and hoping and loving people. Even if you suspect a breakup might be in your near future, you have to find that part of you that says it might not be. Even if you realize that none of the people you're meeting online might end up being "the one," you have to keep opening those messages. Even when you suspect the next message you're going to open says, "I want to suck on your titties" (yep, that has happened), you open it anyway because you're really hoping it says, "Jay Cutler is a cat, and I knew that without googling it." You can't give up the hope. Whether you hope that someone comes around or someone walks into your gin joint or that you're still in your relationship this weekend, you have to keep hoping. In the words of Emily Dickinson:

"Hope" is the thing with feathers -
That perches in the soul -
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops - at all - 

Taking Bets on How Long I Keep My Sanity

70 hours.

At this point, I have been a member of this one dating site for 70 hours. In that time, I've been contacted by...

70 different men. (correction, 69 men and 1 woman. Barking up the wrong tree, lady.)

That's really not bad, when you think about it. Average of 1 new person per hour.

18 of them started with only one word: hi, hey, hello, cute, wow.

1 very honest soul started off by introducing himself and stating that he has a girlfriend. Thanks for the honesty.

1 previously mentioned fella liked the non-existent moose on my profile. My very brief conversation with him continues to confuse the hell out of me.

2 people appear to stand a decent chance of getting to meet me offline. Those odds are pretty terrible. Now I understand why 1 out of 5 relationships begin online and 4 out of 5 of them don't.

But amid all the fools, slightly desperate folks, new in towns looking for tour guides, and misguided lesbians, I managed to get a message that stood out from all the rest. It was like nothing I had ever read before, including the moose message.

Hey sweet thing. I just wanted to let you know that that guy who emailed you right after me? He sucks. Really. He doesn’t deserve to get the time of day from a hottie like yourself. Listen, my schedule is super busy but I think you may be worth a shot. If you’re not interested in a sexy, successful man, I’m sure there are plenty of losers like that other guy in your mailbox.

I checked out his profile and confirmed my suspicions: he is one of those guys that uses pickup artist tactics (aka "The Game"). I thought about ignoring him, but being the lovely, polite lady that I am, I decided instead to call him out on his "game" nonsense. He told me that it was, in fact, a bunch of nonsense, but that a girl with a sense of humor will appreciate it. Then he asked me my name. I told him it was "not interested," and he cursed at me and vanished.

Sorry, mom, but we're no closer to your future grandkids today than we were yesterday. I did add a picture that shows a little cleavage. I'm sure that will attract the classy, high quality individual I am seeking. And if that doesn't work, there's one of me in my turkey hat that's sure to get me a winner.

Oops, I Did It Again...

I don't know what stroke of genius made me decide to sign up on a dating website the other day, but it happened. I can't blame it on the alcohol. I'd like to blame it on Valentine's Day, but that's probably not accurate either. I'll blame it on people I know who have had actual success with this stupid online dating thing. Yeah, that's it. It's all your fault, all you happily-coupled up people who met your SO's online!

So 3 days later, here I sit. At the very least, it's mildly entertaining. At most, it's making me contemplate switching teams. Here's the recap -


Day 1: Make half-assed attempt at profile. Apparently you can't look at people anymore without first jumping through 46 flaming hoops. Hoops sort of complete for now. Picture to come eventually. I get zero interest. Nobody likes a chick without a picture.

Day 2: Still no picture because I'm still not convinced I want to be here. Add to that the fact that there are men here I actually know, some of whom know how much I hate online dating. So now there's a pride element... I started clicking through profiles of people the site decided I needed to see. A couple of them have decided this warranted a conversation. They start off nice enough and then it's "where's your pic?" One guy is willing to continue on a conversation without a picture. Seems he's as hesitant as I am about the whole thing. He has one up, and he's attractive. We'll see where this goes.

Day 3: I uploaded a picture and all hell broke loose. Seriously, kids, I'm not a supermodel. This is absurd. Naturally, people who know me IRL have reached out. You saw me, I saw you, we're both single and we have to stop meeting like this. Attractive guy approves of my photo. That helps. A couple of other decent human beings have popped up. And then there were the, um, other guys. My rough estimate says 85% of the messages I got started with "Hi" or some version of that. No other words. No questions. Just "Hi."

One guy seemed decent enough until he got pissed that I wouldn't go out with him on Friday. It's Valentine's Day. That is absolutely not an appropriate day for a first date. Besides, I have a date with my favorite bartender at my favorite bar that night, and I'm sure all my Cheers buddies would be sad if I didn't show up.

Lots of guys asked what I do for a living. I tend to be vague about it - politics, consulting work, I sit in an office. I used political consulting on one guy and he went off on how I make all the money and he's just a poor old country boy. Wait, what?

My favorite, by far, is this gem of a message: "Good afternoon jolie femme. How are you? As the chilly breeze wisp by my window, I saw your profile. The moose is a nice touch. And a kindred spirit in the fitness ministry. It would be nice to know more about the woman behind the smile. Let's converse after you check out my profile. Hope to her from you. Good day."

There is no moose, anything resembling a moose, or the word "moose" anywhere on my profile. Being the lovely human I am, I called him out on it. Apparently the moose is "what makes you you." I'm still confused.

So here we are again... back on this crazy roller coaster to find my one true love. I'm sure I'll be here often to keep my head straight during the adventure.

And to the 23 year old kid who likes thrift stores, vinyl and cassettes... no.