This Week In Dating Failures

It's been a very active week for my profile - several new winks (ugh) and a few messages from some new guys.  And those messages have been nothing short of fantastic.  Now don't get too excited on me.  None of these were the kind of messages that made me think, "This has totally been worth it. This guy is AMAZING!"  Oh no... these messages were the kind that keep this blog alive, the kind that make me wonder how these people make it through life, let alone the hurdles and obstacles of dating.  And now I'll share them with you, so that you may experience my pain fits of laughter.

Here's one from the free site:

Subject: Hey

Message:  Hello

Really, that was the entire message.  Hey, guy, I think you missed something there - like a complete sentence or a full thought.  My 13 year old cousin texts messages that have more substance than that.  I got another one from a different user with no subject and the same message.  Does this work for you guys?  I understand the whole "keep it short and sweet" thing, but that's taking it to the extreme, don't you think?

Another free site gem:

Subject: Hey

Message: Hit me up on myspace.com/[redacted] or on yahoo messager [redacted]

Again, that's the entire message.  And, no, I didn't "hit him up" on anything. 

So the men boys members of the free site seem to be people of very few words.  The ones on the paid site had much more to say.  There was one guy who sent me a message with things he found interesting from my profile (score 1 point for reading it) and we exchanged a couple of "getting to know you" messages.  Then we start getting into the important matters and I learned a few ways in which we just are not compatible.  For instance, he LOVES baseball (even said "Red Sox all the way" in his message).  He also enjoys NASCAR and his favorite driver is one who drives for Roush Fenway.  And he really, really, really likes sushi.  He asked if I shared these same passions, and I honestly told him I absolutely do not.  First, there's baseball.  With the exception of college baseball, it bores me to tears.  I've tried it - I've been to minor league games and even one MLB game.  I enjoyed the minor league games, but that's because I was either in a hot tub holding a drink or they made it really entertaining because they know that's what you have to do to draw a crowd to see the Kannapolis Intimidators or the NOLA Zephyrs.  But will I join you on a multi-city tour of baseball stadiums? Definitely not.  I'm a football girl. If you want to see all of those stadiums, count me in.  Does he like football?  No. As a matter of fact, he likes it even less than I like baseball.  He said he has "no problem" with high school football, but refuses to watch college or pro football.  Now that's a HUGE problem.  If I have nothing to do on a random Saturday in October but lay on my couch and watch TV, and I'm faced with a choice between watching Pretty Woman or watching UT play Florida Atlantic, do you know what I'll watch?  I'll pick UT v FAU 100% of the time, and I don't even particularly care for either of those teams or their conferences.  So this is a serious issue for me.  As for his choice in race teams, the only driver from Roush Fenway I'll ever support is Carl Edwards, and that's only as long as my brother's roommate is employed by his team.  And he would be the driver I support after the 4 Hendrick Motorsports drivers, since HMS is who gives my brother a steady paycheck.  So the fact that he's a big Matt Kenseth fan is another negative.  And why is he a Matt Kenseth fan?  "Because he's from the north."  Lose another point.  And the sushi thing?  I don't really care for cooked fish, and you want me to eat raw fish multiple times a week and enjoy it?  Not happening.  I've tried it, and it's not my thing.

So how does he respond after I tell him I detest all the things he loves (and vice-versa)?  Like this:

Ha ha good to know! Are you ready to move on to texting then maybe talking on the phone instead of email? Big step, I know! Ha ha....

Um, that depends... are you a big fan of wasting your time and mine? I don't honestly see this going anywhere unless one or both of us make major changes. Why not just try to find someone you're more compatible with?  Or are you that desperate that you're willing to overlook these differences?  I'm not to that point of desperation, so I think we should both move on with our lives.

Then there's this winner from the paid site - he sends me a message with the usual:

Hi, my name is [whatever].  Your profile intrigued me. [insert details about his life] If you find any of this interests you, feel free to message me back and maybe this could be the start of something special.

His main drawback was the fact that his username involved the word "sexy" and he looks like Paul Giamatti (if that's your idea of sexy, good for you, but it's not mine).  He also started his profile with "I'm an attractive, single man..."  Again, you're not helping your cause.  If you're telling me you're attractive, you're either a narcissist or sorely misguided (or a sorely misguided narcissist).  So after looking at the rest of his profile and deciding he was not going to be the future Mr. Me, I hit the button for "send a polite 'no, thanks'."  Yes, they have one of those.  It gives you three message options and sends a response for you, though I have no idea what the messages actually say.  The options are "thanks, but I recently met someone and want to see where it goes," "thanks, but I recently met someone, not online, and want to see where it goes," and "thanks for contacting me, but I don't believe we're a good match, though I wish you good luck in your search."  I alternate between the first two when I send the polite "no, thanks."  So I sent him one of those and he responded with, "I still would like to talk to you." But I don't want to talk to you. What is so hard to understand about that?

Moving on... I had to save this guy for last, because he is the sender of my all-time favorite introductory message.  I copied and pasted straight from the message and only changed major identifying information.

Subject: I Need a Tour Guide with a Brain

Message: I saw your profile and wanted to say hello and introduce myself. My name is [doesn't really matter], its nice to meet you. I'm new to the area and would love to find someone to help me see the "locals" areas of the region. I grew up just west of Washington DC in West Virginia but have lived in Ohio, Michigan, and Kentucky before moving here. Where did you go to grad school? I have a BS and a Masters in [not knowing how to talk to women] from WVU. I would assume, since you are working for the Government that you are a Republican by background, would that be correct? What type of books do you enjoy? I have a very small beginning of a book collection myself. Mainly its old history and political books but I also have a first addition Satanic Verses that I picked up a few months ago. What would be your recommendations for something to do in the area a little off the beaten path? Well, I hope to hear back from you soon. Please feel free to ask me any questions you would like. Hope you are having a good week.

First, the minor problems - If you're looking for a tour guide, you might want to check out the tourist information centers.  They have them all around the French Quarter and most cities in the surrounding area.  That's not what I'm here for.  Next, yes, West Virginia is west of Washington DC. Thanks for pointing that out, Captain Obvious.  But just to clarify, is it also west of Virginia?  I didn't focus on these things, though.  The one that stuck out to me the most was the amazing logic he used to determine that I must be a Republican because I work for the government.  How do you even reach a conclusion like that?  I don't even know what kind of reasons to come up with to explain that kind of question.  This one got under my skin.  You better believe he heard back from me.  I'm proud of myself for not saying the first thing on my mind: "I would assume, since you're from West Virginia, that your parents are cousins and all your relatives work in coal mines." No, that just seemed mean.  Here's what I did say:

I'm so glad you told me to feel free to ask questions. I certainly have a question or two for you. First, do you know what happens when you assume? Second, did you take the time to actually read my profile? If you did, you would've seen that I am politically in the middle. Why would I have to be a Republican by background to work for the government? I can't quite figure out the logic behind that remark. Is that something they teach in government classes at WVU? So to answer your question, no, I'm not a Republican by background. I'm a socially liberal, fiscally conservative, registered independent who my family considers to be a hippie liberal because Fox News makes my ears bleed, I voted for Obama and I work for a Democrat. Hope that clears things up a bit.


Have a great weekend!

Sadly, the idiotic messages and socially awkward/marginally crazy people seem to be the most prominent ones on both sites (or at least they're the ones most frequently contacting me).  There was one glimmer of hope over the week, but he killed that opportunity when, after friending me on FB, he sent me a message asking how old certain pictures were because I "seem thinner in some of them than in others."  While that may be true (and, in fact, is) there are ways to say things and ways not to say things.  Congratulations, chump, you've successfully mastered the latter of the two.

So what started out as a promising way to meet new people and potentially my next boyfriend, is turning out to be an entertaining exercise in futility.  I've been toying around with the idea of deleting my account on the free site, because it has yet to produce anything.  As for the paid site, I'm already paid up for a couple of months and can't get a refund, so maybe I'll just keep the account open until the membership expires and see what happens.  In the meantime, I'm planning to focus my attention on the men of the real world, the flesh-and-bones guys who aren't on the other side of the computer screen and have the ability to make my toes curl by flashing their pretty smiles and wearing whatever it is that makes them smell so great.  And I can't wait to see what that brings!

The "Spark"

We've all heard someone say, "We had a nice time but there just wasn't anything there... no spark."  The spark is that mystical, magical thing that we're all searching for - the thing that makes it more than just friendship and good conversation or purely physical attraction.  It's that feeling you get that makes you happy and excited to see someone again or talk to them again.  To me, the spark is more important than meeting my "criteria." I value having chemistry with someone because I believe it's something that you either have or you don't. I don't think it's something you develop over time.  You're either physically & emotionally attracted to someone or you aren't.


This is how I've felt for a very long time, and then I read something the other day that said the spark was something invented by men as a reason to not see a woman again after a one-night stand or whatever.  Somehow, over time, we began believing this nonsense and now we're out there searching for something that never even existed in the first place.


Wait... what?????


All this time I've been going through life, meeting people and determining a romantic future based on something that may not even be real?  That sucks!  Just last week I told Musicmaker that he was a nice guy but there wasn't anything there (in response to him asking me if he did something "off-putting" when we met in person... no, but your use of the term off-putting isn't really helping your chances).  Does this mean I should have grinned & bared a few more meetings/dates with him to see if we developed something?  He acted like a dorky high school kid; I haven't been attracted to one of those since, well, I was in high school.  Should I stick around and wait for him to develop some confidence?  That's a waste of his time and mine (not saying he'll never develop confidence, but there's a good chance some other girl finds his dorkiness/lack of confidence endearing). But even beyond Musicmaker or the guys of the online dating world, there's also a whole host of guy friends I have who are merely platonic friends, with no mutual attraction that would ever make it something more.  I know guys with feelings for me that I don't share for them, and guys I would absolutely consider boyfriend material who think of me as nothing more than a friend or the sister they never had (I know, it's all very When Harry Met Sally).


My mom would say, "Stop being so mean and give him a chance."  I would argue that I thought I did give him a chance.  We sat at that coffee shop/bookstore/restaurant/etc for a good bit of time, enjoyed whatever we enjoyed at said establishment, had a nice conversation, and parted ways.  And when a friend or family member asked me how it went, I said, "We had a nice time. He's a smart/funny/cool guy. I wouldn't date him, though. Just wasn't feeling it."  Was I supposed to be feeling it?  Or should I give it another shot (or 2 or 3) and wait to feel something?  I think that, at the very least, I should leave thinking "I'd like to see him again" as opposed to "meh... it's ok if I don't see him again or if I don't see him for a good while."

This has been on my mind for several days now and I just don't know what to think.  Is chemistry or the "spark" something you either immediately have with someone or never will have?  Or is it something that develops over time, coming after friendship?  Have I been going about this the wrong way, dismissing or preferring guys based on some misconceived fairytale-type fantasy of how love should be?  I know love is something that grows, but does attraction work the same way?  Maybe I'm naive in my thoughts, but I still think that you either like someone or you don't and that chemistry doesn't develop or come about through some rom-com sort of aha! moment.  I like the feeling of butterflies in my stomach and being giddy like a schoolgirl, and I don't think that's such a bad thing.

About Your Picture

Between the two sites, I get my fair share of views, winks and messages.  There are two things that I notice immediately when checking out the guys who've checked me out - username and profile picture.  Sometimes the username can get a guy disregarded without a second thought (lonelyguy12 or nodrama456, for example).  When it comes to pictures, I like to look at all the ones a guy will post. When taken into consideration with the detail on the profile (or lack thereof), a guy's picture can help me to weed out the less-than-desirables or figure out who I'd like to get to know better.  Maybe the online dating game is making me a little more judgmental than I would be if I met any of these guys in public, or maybe it's just helping me to decide what's really important when I'm filtering out people. I haven't really decided that yet.  But I have come up with some strong opinions on profile pictures, and here are some of them:

• No picture at all - that's an automatic ignore for me. If you have no picture, then either you're really technologically challenged or you truly believe that there exists no picture of you in history that you believe is acceptable.  Sure, there are other theories as to why you don't have a picture, but they're highly unlikely. Such as, you're a big time celebrity and putting up a picture of yourself would cause serious trouble and chaos. Or, you're the invisible man. Or, having a picture taken of you would steal your soul and, therefore, no pictures of you exist.  It's not that I'm looking for a super hot guy, it's just that I'd like to know upfront if you have an upside down head like Jake Tucker on Family Guy. Is that so much to ask?
• Your dog/cat/horse/iguana -  I have nothing against animals. Really, I don't. I have a cat, I had a dog as a kid, as well as turtles, hamsters, rabbits, fish, and other assorted pets.  And that picture of you on the couch with your dog?  That's endearing because it shows that you like animals, too. (How does it go - first you try a houseplant, then a pet. If you can keep them alive & healthy, you may be ready for a relationship with a person? Something like that.)  The problem comes in when you have 1 or 2 pictures of you and 4 or 5 of your various pets BY THEMSELVES.  I like that you love your pets, but I'm not here to date Fido.  Try to keep it to a minimum.
• Your car/truck/house/boat - A picture of your most prized possession, whether you're in it or not, screams for attention. But it's probably not the kind of attention you're looking for.  Are you having luck with the ladies since you put up that picture of your brand new Mustang GTO?  I bet you've got one type of girl coming your way, the type responding to what your photo implies: "Calling all shallow ladies! Check me out!! I have a beemer and a big house and I'm on a boat!"  Having pictures of your favorite material things tells me you may not have a lot of substance/personality. Not to mention choosing to put up pictures of these things over pictures of you by yourself, with your family or friends, or even with Fido, tells me you probably prioritize your belongings over the truly important things in life.
• Hunting/fishing trips - I know we're in south Louisiana. I know it's "Sportsman's Paradise." But I also know that when I see that picture of you proudly holding up those dead fish/deer/ducks/rabbits it makes me throw up in my mouth a little.  Probably not the first impression you're aiming for.
• Cutting out another person - I get it. You don't take a lot of pictures by yourself. I don't either.  99% of my pictures have someone else in them.  Technology is really cool, though. They actually have programs and software that will let you crop people out of pictures.  You don't even need fancy stuff like Photoshop.  You can use things online to shrink that picture of you & your pals down to one of just you.  But when you open up that picture in MS Paint and do a really bad job of using the eraser to "erase" the other person in the picture, it kinda makes me wonder things about you.  Who is that in the picture that you so violently tried to erase? Is it your ex? Your ex-best friend?  A real friend who didn't want his/her face on a dating site?  Also, why did you put that picture up if there was someone in it you didn't want to be seen? Is it because that's the best picture that exists of you, but cropping someone out so that I could still see that really flattering shot of you just wasn't what you wanted to do?  Why don't you do us all a favor and google some photo editing programs. Or keep working on your Paint skills until you figure out how to erase half the picture instead of just someone's face.

These are just some of my observations on dating profile pictures. Naturally there are others that make me cringe (pictures of your kids - did you really think that was a good or safe idea? There are crazy people out there), laugh (senior prom pictures - is that the most recent/best you could do?), or just shake my head (blurry or super far away pictures - not so helpful).  At least these guys and their wonderful/awful/strange pictures keep things entertaining.  Now I think I'll go check my own pictures to make sure I've heeded my own advice.

My First Online Dating "Breakup"

I have briefly mentioned (maybe once or twice) Sgt Smartguy.  He's the super intelligent, military guy who I've had several email conversations with over the last month.  Yet again, I thought here's one that could go somewhere and yet again I was wrong.  At first we were messaging on the paid site on an almost daily basis. Then he suggested we move our conversations to email and they slowed down a bit, enough for me to look at them and really get a good idea of the kind of guy he portrayed himself as through his messages.  The conversations were interesting, but they never veered away from books and museums. Any mention of something on a different subject was quickly brought back to nerd stuff (don't get me wrong - I'm quite the nerd myself, but the idea here is to be well-rounded).  For example, when I asked if he had any favorite restaurants or types of food, the answer was, "I love Italian food. I can't wait until we can find a great Italian restaurant in the city where we talk more about British history over a good meal." For the record, the extent of our conversation about British history was him talking about how much he loved reading up on it and me saying the only British anything I indulge in is the royal family (and if he pressed for more info from me, he would have heard about my disdain for Kate Middleton and her insistence on still being with Prince William - I may be a smart girl, but I'm a girl nonetheless, and I like to indulge myself in the occasional princess fantasy).  Another example, when I asked if he was into sports (and admitted my love for football) he went off on a tangent about the history of the NY Giants franchise.  So I started to realize that being smart is a nice quality, but if that's your only quality it's just not gonna cut it for me.  Maybe that's just his email persona, I kept telling myself. We'll have a phone conversation and see how that pans out.

So he called me one night a couple weeks ago (I think I mentioned this in a previous post). I was at work, though, and couldn't answer the call. By the time I got off of work, it was far too late to make a return call. I sent him an email the next day (while at work) explaining what happened and saying I hoped we could actually talk in the future.  That day in the future came around again, and it happened to be this past Sunday. He called while I was in the middle of a movie and the previously blogged about super-pissy mood, so I didn't answer (really, it was in every one's best interest).  Did he leave a message? Nope, he did one better.  A few minutes later, my phone beeped at me that I had a new email. It was from Sgt Smartguy and it was definitely not what I expected to see.  He went completely bat-shit crazy about how a phone conversation was "the natural progression of our relationship" (?!?!) and the fact that he was 0-2 was pissing him off. He said to let him know if he was "either really unlucky or not really worth the effort."  He also said that the general rule is 3 strikes and you're out and he needed to know where he stood before attempting another swing. Guess what? You just swung and you missed it big time.  And finishing off the message by saying he wasn't "too familiar with political niceties and walking on egg shells" didn't really make me feel all that sorry for him.  I never promised I'd talk to him that night, nor did I say I'd be home and waiting for a phone call.  But he was certainly quick to send me a cranky email about 2 failed call attempts. I mean, he didn't even give me time to entertain the idea of a call back.  I've never been known for being an overly patient person, but this guy beat me in impatience by leaps and bounds.  Take your Prozac, take a deep breath, and try to think about where you maybe went wrong here.

My next move? I waited overnight and responded to his email.  Maybe I was a little cranky myself, but I thought blunt was the way to go.  And did I give any excuses for not answering the phone? Not this time. I didn't think old crazy ass deserved any.  The facts were enough for me - you called, I didn't answer, you went bananas, I'm out.  Here's my message:

You're right, it shouldn't be so difficult to come to what would be the natural next step. But it has been and will probably continue to be. I think the best course of action here is to cut our losses and go our separate ways. Good luck in your search.

Short, simple, to the point, and about as nice as I could be without calling him out on being an impatient nutcase.  I got a gem of a response from him today.  First, he texted me asking how my day was going.  I was at a luncheon and didn't respond, not that I would have anyway.  Then he sent me a picture message of the view of something in California from some place he's currently at. Again, no response from me. Take a hint. And moments ago I got an email from him, in response to my message from yesterday.  He was begging and pleading and saying he needs to learn to be more patient and that he'd still like to talk to me and meet me one day.  He said I was "very interesting and intelligent" and that he "values such virtues."  He also really likes my "list of interests" and feels that it makes us "of the utmost compatibility."  That last part got me thinking... what the hell did I put down as my interests?  Maybe it was having a car with a sunroof, or having a chubby cat at home, or enjoying the Times-Picayune or a good Mitch Hedberg joke.  I doubt it, though. 

Here's my view of the whole situation: if you're apologizing about acting like a buffoon before we've even spoken, let alone met face-to-face, that's a red flag and a really good relationship killer.  It's like needing to go to marriage counseling before you're even married - clearly something is very, very wrong.  So to borrow from the man whose virtues do not include patience, my count is now at, hell I don't even know.  It's 0-a bunch.  I'm not out yet, though.  I'm only a month into this whole ordeal and if it turns out to be a really bad decision, that's ok. Bad decisions make the best stories.

Weekend Recap or Whataya Want From Me?

The weekend has come and gone and it was something, to say the least.  Now for the recap:

Friday: I had the night off and spent it in the city.  It was a fantastic night filled with great people and great conversations (nobody from online, so I'll spare you the details).  There were some texts here and there from the regular fellas, but no concrete plans for dates or anything beyond the typical "have a good weekend" stuff.

Saturday: Had to take care of some personal things before leaving town early to head back home for work.  I kid you not, as the city begins to fade in my rear view mirror, I get a text from Dr. Funnyman.  Yep, he's still alive, still has my number and is still interested (or was bored - I don't really know).  The text was very simple, just wanting to know what my plans were for the day.  So I responded with a quick message that I was actually leaving the city at that very moment and spending the rest of the weekend at home. His response: "Wait... You were here and no text?"  Seriously????  I haven't heard from you in over a week and now you want to act all offended that my first thought on my 18 hours in the city wasn't to see what you were doing? Showing a little interest will go a long way. If I haven't heard from you in a good while, I figure it's safe to assume you're just not that into me.  Shows what I know...

Saturday night:  Had to work a closing shift at the store, but I had told a new guy from the paid site to drop in to say hello.  He's a couple years older than me, with a steady job, and we'd had a few good conversations online.  He wanted to take me to dinner - I wanted to make sure he wasn't a total creep before agreeing to such a thing.  He conveniently showed up during break time, so I invited him to sit on the patio with me and chat during my break.  The conversation was effortless. We had things in common, he didn't seem to be a serial killer, and he was moderately attractive.  Then he drops a bombshell.... "I never vote."  Wait... what?  Did you really just tell the girl who works in politics that you NEVER vote?  He followed it up by saying that he had voted once, in the last presidential election, "because I had to... we all had to. Didn't do much good, though, which is why I won't ever do it again."  If he told me he had kids, an ex-wife, a job that required him to be out of the country for extended periods of time, or relatives in federal prison, I could handle these things.  But to tell me he doesn't vote and doesn't plan to ever do it again? Well, that's just more than I can take.  It's a shame, too.  It maybe could've gone somewhere. Now, it never will.  Think I'm being too picky or made an unwise decision?  Here's what you need to understand, I have options. Lots of options.  Options which include the guys I'm meeting on these websites, guys I already know, and guys I have yet to meet.  I think I have the right to narrow it down based on things like having no interest in doing your civic duty and exercising your right to vote.  Best of luck in your search, pal, and don't contact me again.

Sunday:  I don't know what happened Sunday, but for some reason I woke up with my cranky pants on.  Maybe it was the fact that the weather sucked and kept me from lounging by the pool or joyriding with my sunroof open.  Maybe it was the fact that I have had so many good days lately I was overdue for a bad one.  Whatever the reason, I was in a mood and I could not shake it.  My mind was going in a hundred directions and none of them were good.  I was over thinking things and becoming increasingly irritated with guys in general.  I tried everything to get happy - cleaned the house, went shopping, went for a run on the treadmill, cooked a nice meal, drank half a bottle of sangria, watched a couple of movies - but nothing worked.  My problem? Trying to figure out what they want from me.

Take, for example, Rocketman. We've had nice phone conversations, constant text contact, and plans to meet up for a few weeks now.  We've never picked a day, time or place to meet. It's sort of a phantom date, constant musings of how we should meet up, but nothing comes to fruition.  He asks when I'm free, I tell him and he isn't free, or he is and says he'll let me know time and place and doesn't do that.  In the meantime, he continues to send random texts saying how he hopes I'm having a good day and whatnot.  What is it, exactly, that you're looking for here? Do you just want someone to text when you're bored? Are you afraid all the "magic" will disappear once we're finally face-to-face?  That's a good possibility, but you won't know until you actually meet me.  At this rate, though, that seems to not be happening.  Better watch it, because you're close to being crossed of the list.

Then there were the antics of Dr. Funnyman.  What the hell is that all about?  You go off the grid for over a week and then get all huffy because I was in town and didn't tell you?  I can understand that maybe he was exploring his other options and they didn't pan out. That's the nature of the online dating beast.  I'm hearing from several guys right now (some online, some not) and some of them are going places, while many are going nowhere.  So if you put me on the shelf to see what happened with another girl, only to be let down by her and right back to me, hey, it happens.  Now let's see if I hear from you again or if that text on Saturday was just a fluke.  So far, the fluke is winning.

Maybe I'm the product of too many chick flicks and romantic comedies, but I just wish it were all a little easier.  Is it too much to ask for a little honesty, for being upfront about what it is you're looking to get out of this?  What is it that you want from me?  I'm not spending my time and money looking for a one-night stand (not my thing) or a new BFF (that role is permanently filled by 3 extraordinary women).  I'm looking to find the guy who will become the next guy in my life.  It could be the last relationship I'll ever be in.  Or it could not be. I don't know how it will pan out, but the point is that I'm looking for something pretty serious here.  I'm ready to stop playing games and acting a fool.  If you're not, please tell me so that I can move on and you can do the same.  I don't expect you to shout from the rooftops that you think I'm awesome or to show up outside my window like John Cusack in Say Anything.  I just want to know where you stand so that I know where I stand.

So if you're interested in me, and I mean genuinely interested in seeing if we could have something real, then make like a peacock and shake your tail feathers at me.  If I like what I see, I'll certainly let you know.

An Open Letter To Winkers

Dear Potential Man of my Dreams,

Hey there!  I came to check out the latest on the dating site and saw that I had a new wink from you. I guess you liked my profile, or my picture, or both.  But I'm not really sure what it was that caught your attention, because all you did was wink.  There was no message, no note saying how much you really enjoy similar things or how you also have a picture with a friend at the NFC championship game.  But while your wink didn't tell me a lot about what you liked about me, it did tell me a good bit about you.

The wink, wannabe Mr Right, is a cop-out.  It's the equivalent of eyeing up a girl in public and never saying a word to her.  Sure she knows you're interested in her, but either you're not interested enough to strike up a conversation or you're just plain scared of rejection.  So you wink.  I know it's not your fault that the sites give you this option, but it is your fault for using it.

What happens when you do see a girl in public that you may be attracted to?  Do you wink at her then?  Probably not. Nobody winks anymore, unless they're being ironic.  I know if I see a guy winking at someone, I think he either (a) is lame or (b) has something in his eye.  But when you wink at me online, I think that either (a) you're afraid of being shot down or (b) you didn't take the time to read my profile and find a conversation starter.  Either way, this doesn't pan out well for you.  What's the worst that could happen if you send a message to me saying you think Mitch Hedberg is funny too?  I'll tell you - I could not respond at all or respond that I'm not interested.  Is that really so bad?  You don't know me at all, so it's not like you had put all of your effort into making me love you, only to get your heart trampled on (a little extreme, I know).  And there are still MILLIONS of other girls on the site, so you can very easily move on to the next one.  And you know what else could happen if you decided to message me instead of wink? I could actually respond with something showing mutual interest, we could have a conversation, and go from there.  I'd say 99.9% of the guys who have messaged me have gotten a response (the ones who didn't blatantly ignored my preferences).  But do you know how many of the winkers have gotten a response from me?  Only 1 of the 50+, and that guy was smokin' hot with an awesome profile and a damn good reason for winking.

So I ask you to consider these things I have written next time you want to reach out to a girl but don't want to reach all the way.  A little effort goes a long way and can give you some much better results.  Good luck in your search for true love.

Sincerely,

Me

PS - ;)

Let's Meet Up

There comes a point after the initial messages and phone number swaps (or FB friend requests) that it's time to meet the person on the other side of the computer.  So far, this has happened to me exactly twice, and both times have been, well, something.

After ridiculous amounts of back-and-forth texting, Dr. Funnyman wanted to meet up.  I was in the city for July 4th weekend, so we picked a quick coffee meeting before I had to leave town (at some point I'll be able to drink my weight in coffee).  We met at a local shop on a busy Uptown street and made it easier to spot each other by describing outfits and whatnot.  Much to my surprise, I noticed his pictures did not do him any sort of justice.  He was an attractive guy, and I already knew he was also smart and funny.  This is looking like a good thing to me.  We got our drinks and opted for a table outside and that's when things got.... awkward.  Now, some degree of awkwardness is to be expected when meeting someone in person for the first time.  There were a few quiet moments, but there was also a good bit of dialogue.  He wanted to know more about my pictures on the site (they don't have captioning, so there's some mystery there) and I wanted to know more about the research article he was working on.  We talked about the Saints, families, the holiday weekend, our jobs.  One thing struck me as very odd - he kept looking away, as if eye contact bothered him. Was there something on my face? Was his former flame sitting on the other side of the windows, giving him the evil eye?  I have no idea.  (I did notice he was looking away to the left, which, according to some nonsense article I read somewhere means he was trying to recall information. When a guy looks away to the right, he's formulating a lie. Don't know how true it is, but I read it in a magazine, so I'll take it as gospel until someone refutes it.)  A little over an hour and a couple of weird hugs later, I was headed back to my parents' house when I got a text from Dr. Funnyman thanking me for meeting him and expressing what a good time he had.  I dismissed that one as him being polite and figured his true interest would be shown in the following days if I ever heard from him again.

I did hear from him again, the next day and the day after.  He would text me throughout the workday when things were slow, and I'd text him responses and anecdotes about how it was crazy person week at my office.  The next couple of days after that, I realized I had become the one instigating the texting.  I thought he may be busy, but then I though he may just not be that into me.  So I devised a test (let me know if this was a bit foolish, or a good call - I'm undecided): I stopped sending the first message of the day.  The result: I haven't heard from him in about 5 days.  There is no shortage of guys out there, so I'm not too bummed about it, but the paid site keeps suggesting him as a match and I want to tell it to back off or move on to the next contestant. (Same site keeps suggesting I match with ex-boyfriends, stalkers or guys I've previously slept with which, while hilarious to me, is futile in my quest for finding The One.  There should be someway to submit a list of guys to not include in results or something. But I digress...)

On to the next guy!

Musicmaker and I have been chatting on FB off and on for the last week or so.  The conversations flow easily and he's a guy in a band - what's not to like?!  We tried coordinating schedules to meet up at some point, but with my 2 jobs and his job & rehearsal for the cd release party and subsequent tour, it's been difficult.  So he mentioned that he may stop by the bookstore where I work just to say hello and get that initial meeting out of the way.  He stopped by last night, and, well, you know that guy in high school who walked & talked funny and was a little dweeby and not so smooth with the ladies?  Yeah, he's back, except now he's a musician in his mid-20s who still isn't very smooth.  Dude, you're in a band! You're about to go on a tour with a couple of serious, legit bands!  Time to grow an ego, get some confidence, and start acting like you've got groupies swarming at you.  I've done my time as a groupie - to unsigned bands who only released cd's on their websites (I know, way to reach for the stars with the guys in my life) - and those guys acted way cooler and more macho than you did last night.  Maybe it was that awkward 1st meeting thing. Maybe it was the fact that you caught me at the end of my shift and I was straightening up books in the sexuality section.  Maybe it was the fact that I had on one of my latest purchases from Victoria's Secret and the sisters were working for me.  Or maybe that's just how you always are.  But whatever it was, the whole meek young guy who still lives with mom & dad thing didn't get me all hot under the collar. Instead, it had me thinking of the reasons I had sworn off younger guys for so long.  Some girls are into finding guys they can teach a thing or two.  I'm not one of those girls.  I'm not looking for a boy, I'm looking for a man. So man up or move on.

So now the count is at 0-2.  Like I said before, there are still plenty of other guys.  At some point in the near future (maybe the next week or so), I'm going to have my first in-person meeting with Rocketman. We text daily and we've had a real phone conversation (something I didn't get with the other two guys).  The phone call went well.  He was the first guy in a while (probably my entire dating history) that managed to speak more than I did. Score one point for him.  His voice wasn't what I expected, but I still liked it and enjoyed talking to him.  We'll see what happens when we finally meet.

In the meantime, I'm going to continue pondering at what point I unfriend (defriend?) these guys on FB.  There's no future there for us and I like to keep my FB friends as people I know, people who I'm comfortable having access to pictures of me with my family.  These guys don't fall into that category. I also really want to post a note about starting this blog so that other people can come check it out, but I don't want to risk one of them flying off the handle about it.  Though if that happens, that's a great opportunity to cross someone off the list.

I guess I'll go back to looking through my match results, finding new coffee shops to try, and keeping my fingers crossed.

Show Me The Hotties

Prior to jumping into online dating, I did my research to see which sites would get my time and/or money.  I looked at articles rating the various sites and read blog posts of people who had tried different ones.  One of the articles I read claimed that some members of a certain site received emails after a certain period of time that some higher being (staff interns, paid staff, God?) determined they were hot and would, therefore, be rewarded accordingly.  Some of these people were offended, others excited. I thought the whole thing sounded slightly stupid.  As it turns out, this site was ranked by many independent reviews as the best of the free sites, and is one that I joined.  Imagine my surprise when I check my email over the weekend and find this little gem (copied and pasted directly from the email, with all emphasis and highlighting by them):

We are very pleased to report that you are in the top half of [redacted]'s most attractive users. The scales recently tipped in your favor, and we thought you'd like to know.

How can we say this with confidence? We've tracked click-thrus on your photo and analyzed other people's reactions to you.

Your new elite status comes with one important privilege:

You will now see more attractive people in your match results.

This new status won't affect your actual match percentages, which are still based purely on your answers and desired match's answers. But the people we recommend will be more attractive. Also! You'll be shown to more attractive people in their match results.

Suddenly, the world is your oyster.

My initial reaction was along the lines of "well, I guess they weren't lying about that."  But then I read and re-read the email and felt a whole range of emotions. 

• There was the "just won a beauty pageant" feeling: OMG! ME! They picked me! OMG! I'm so excited!! I never thought anything like this would ever happen to me! They think I'm attractive! Next time I'm having a bad day or feeling ugly, I'm totally going to remember this moment and remember how beautiful they think I am!!!
• There was also the bitter response: You mean to tell me you've been showing me a bunch of fuglies because you weren't quite sure I was hot enough to see the pretty boys? Nice of you to finally come around, jackasses.
• And there was the glass-half-full response: Wait a second... if I can now see the hot people, that means that the few guys I've chatted with who I thought were cute were actually just average. This could get really fun soon! I wonder if there are any David Beckhams or Brad Pitts on this site...

Once I finally got over the email, the next step was to test the new and improved search results that my hotness now guarantees me.  I searched my same basic parameters: single guys, age 25-35, within 100 miles of me, who like girls and have been online in the last decade.  I will admit, I saw a batch of guys I had not seen before.  And these guys, well, they looked a helluva lot like the other guys I've been seeing in my match results for the last freaking month!  So much for seeing more attractive people, or the world being my oyster.  You neglected to tell me, keepers of the free site, that your oysters are a lot like our oysters are right now: a little gross and not-quite-right for the picking (shout out to BP, thanks for all you've done).

Maybe I just need to give them a little more time to filter out the junk.  Or maybe I need to lower my expectations a little bit.  Or maybe, just maybe, I should take my hot little self over to the dating site for pretty people and see what happens (probably a rejection, just to keep the cosmos and karma and whatnot balanced and in perfect harmony... I'd better skip that last idea).  For now, I'll continue on my quest for the holy grail - the attractive male, 25-35, who likes girls, is single, has a job, makes me laugh, and is at least a little bit sane.

Work Keeps Me Busy

Through all the conversations I've had with the guys I've met online so far, I keep seeing the same sentence: "work keeps me busy."  I'd like to think that this is somehow reflective on how society has changed - that it's no longer 8 hours at the office and then you go home for you time or family time or whatever time you intend to have.  I'm more inclined to believe, however, that this is a big load of crap and a lame attempt at coming across as a person who doesn't sit on his butt all day playing around on FB or random dating sites.


Work keeps you busy, really? It consumes all of your time except for those precious few moments when you get to go on the internet and look for the next love of your life, and those even rarer moments when you get to go out in public and meet the lady on the computer screen?  If that's the case, I may need to rethink you as a potential Mr Right.  Don't get me wrong, I get that having a job can be time-consuming.  I have 2 of them, which tend to result in 14-16 hour days and some lost nights on the town. But with the exception of oil spills and strange requests, neither of those jobs consumes my time away from the office.  When I'm off the clock, I'm off the clock unless you REALLY need me to do something. If you spend your time off the clock still working as though you're at the office, that's just not gonna work.  But you know what will work? The guy who says, "Work takes up 8 hours of my day/40 hours of my week, but what really keeps me busy is my kick-ass social life."  I have yet to be contacted by one of those guys.  So is the "consumed by work" thing a ploy to seem busy or am I just really good at attracting guys who have no social life and therefore consume themselves with their jobs to stay busy?


The latest of these "my job takes up my entire life" messages came from Soccerdoc.  He wanted to let me know that he's a pro at long-term commitments ("I had one that lasted 4 years and another that lasted 5 years") and that he'd stopped dating to focus on work, but now he's ready to make another half-decade commitment (give or take a few years).  So I'm thinking, "Good for you, pal! Here's a guy who's serious about his career and his personal life. Sounds like a winner!"  He must have been reading my mind, though, because then he continued by telling me how much of a winner he really is.

So if you have some free time and want to get to know more about me, you can check out these links to these half a dozen or so sites that each profiled me and my many accomplishments.  Or if you prefer, you can also google these super-technical terms for things that I developed while in school for my PhD (I told you, he's really proud of that thing).

My initial reaction was to laugh hysterically, in such fits that my cat shot me an evil look for waking her from yet another precious nap. When I finally stopped laughing at what a pompous ass this guy was, I started thinking about how I should respond.  I came up with a few options:

• Wow, Soccerdoc, you're quite accomplished! We should absolutely meet up ASAP, because I can't lose a catch as good as you.
• Gee, Soccerdoc, I'm sure they're all really great articles, but I'm so super busy with work that I don't know if I can spare the extra minutes to read up on you.  When I do get a free moment or two, I'll do my best to check these out.
• Articles about you? That's nice.  I've got a few myself.  Why don't you look me up on the Miss Louisiana website, or check out this link for an article my college newspaper did on me a few years back. If that doesn't work, you can google me and see my participation in all these really cool things I did when I was in high school (why wait till college to be a superstar, right?). And if you provide me with your mailing address, I can send you a copy of the Hillbilly Gazette, which profiled me and featured me on the cover for being so amazingly awesome. Don't worry, though, I'll spare you the stories of that political science conference I presented at as an undergrad, because that's really such a trivial thing.

Of course, there's the standard "no response" option, but that's just not very fun.  In the meantime, I have added Mr PhD-publication-fancypants to FB (yeah, he's one of those) and will proceed with caution so as not to get squashed by his giant ego. 

Crazies Need Not Apply

Crazies, you say?  Are there really crazy people on these sites, trying to trick unsuspecting females into thinking they're sane and knights in shining armor?  Absolutely.  Luckily, they tend to give themselves away pretty quickly.  But they also provide for a little bit of entertainment along the way.  Take, for example, this interaction:

Him: Hey. I saw your profile. I like what I see. What kinds of things do you like to do for fun?
Me: Thanks! I enjoy reading, politics, movies, music, football, people-watching in the city (blah blah blah). What kinds of things are you into?
Him: Yeah, that stuff. We should meet up this weekend. I'd like that.

Really, dude? I bet you would like that. I bet you'd also like to throw me in the trunk of your car and toss my lifeless body in a swamp. I need a little more than a couple of sentences before I meet you somewhere. You're officially crossed off the list. Work on your technique some more, pal.


Here's another fun one... I got on the pay site yesterday to read a new message. While I was there, the IM screen pops up with a guy who wants to chat.  Ok. What harm can be done?  Here's how it went down:

Him: Hey, beautiful. How's it going today?
Me: Great! Ready for the end of the workday. How about you?
Him: Pretty good. Have to work tonight, but it should be cool.
Me: What do you do?
Him: I work at a club in the Quarter. Expecting a big crowd tonight.
Me: That's cool. I bet you see some sights with your job.
Him: Yeah
Him: Uh, btw, I just got out of a relationship with a psychopath. If she finds out we talked on here, she may try to track you down. No big deal, really. I'm working on a restraining order. Just thought I'd be honest about it.
.......
.......
Him: So I have an apartment above the gay bar. It's pretty neat. I can walk to work. I have a lot of gay friends. They're awesome. Are you gay friendly?
Me: Yeah. I have gay friends.
Him: Right on! I find that girls with gay friends make the best lovers.
Him: You should call me. My number is (blah blah blah).
Me: *disconnect*

Ok, so I probably should've disconnected after the whole "restraining order" thing, but I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.  Now I know better.

There are other methods I use to determine a guy's level of crazy.  I've found that any guy who is looking for a girl with "no baggage" or "no drama" is a guy who has both of those things, and they probably follow him where ever he goes.  I have also found that guys who fill out as little profile information as possible probably have something to hide.

The headline can also be a good insight into craziness/egomania.  Here are a few gems: "Loved by many, taken by few" (taken by few? as in over the course of your lifetime or currently?). Another favorite is, "I could put that I'm the most awesome guy in the universe here, but I'll just leave it blank" (an attempt to be funny, I'm sure, but yeah, you probably should have just left it blank).

Probably my favorite crazies are the ones with complete disregard for what I'm looking for in a guy.  I want a guy 25-37 who lives within 150 miles of me and doesn't smoke (not asking for much, really).  Who contacts me?  The 45 year old guy living on a Texas border town, the 23 year old guy living in Dallas, the 21 year old smoker in Shreveport, etc.  Don't think you'll be getting a response back, buddy. I'm not looking for a rule-breaker, rebel type guy who is ultra-confident that there will be some sort of magical spark so intense that I will forget the fact that you meet absolutely NONE of my qualifications.  Maybe my Mr Right is a 51 year old, divorced father of 4 who smokes like a chimney and lives in Muskogee.  Probably not, though.  So go back to your fantasy world and learn how to read.

At least I've found that "block user" feature.  That should come in handy.

Nice To Sort Of Meet You

In less than a week, I managed to "meet" quite a few guys with actual potential.  The pay site is producing more winners than the free one. I'm sure it has something to do with needing a source of income to pay for a membership, but maybe not.  Here's a quick rundown of some of the new guys in my life:

• Rocketman - met on the free site. Stable job, older than me, all-around good guy who enjoys typical man things (sports, bbq, outdoors, dogs, etc) and lives outside the city.
• Soccerdoc - met on free site. Another guy with a stable job who is older than me. Plays soccer and is proud of his PhD. Lives outside the city.
• Musicmaker - another free site guy. He's in a band and wants to be rich & famous one day. He's also a couple years younger than me but lives relatively close to my new home.
• Zydecool - another guy from the free site who is in a band. A year younger and lives in the city. Also a really, REALLY big fan of instant message. You know those people who, within seconds of you logging into FB or AIM, are all "hey what's up?" Yeah, he's one of those.
• Sgt Smartguy - met on paid site. He's in the military stationed in the city and is incredibly intelligent. He fulfills the nerd in me with lengthy emails about politics and books and museums. He's also a couple years older than me.
• Dr Funnyman - from the paid site. A med school graduate with a real job and a future who also likes football and can make me laugh very easily. He's a year younger, lives in the city and tends to stay busy (or fake it really well).

All of these started with a message (none of them started with a wink... don't get me started on those guys. I'll save them for another post).  Phone numbers have been swapped with Rocketman, Sgt Smartguy and Dr Funnyman.  Sgt Smartguy called me last night, but I was at work and missed out on a real conversation.  Rocketman and Dr Funnyman are big fans of texting, which I find to be more convenient anyway.  The other 3 wanted to be friends on Facebook, which I agreed to because you can learn a whole lot more about a person when their friends and family members are involved in their posts.  I feel like it also says something about each guy's character whether he chooses FB, text or phone calls. I haven't figured out what yet, but when I do maybe it'll help out in my search.  At the very least, I think the guys who decided phone number swapping was the next logical step seem a little more serious about their search for love.

The Journey Begins

A few months ago, I got a phone call from my mom, letting me know that eHarmony was free that weekend. Uh, thanks, I guess.... Is that a hint at something?  The friends I shared that with responded back with sentiments of "WTF?" or "rude but caring" and I didn't give the call a second thought because I knew there was a snowball's chance in  hell of me trying online dating.  Fast forward a couple months and things have changed quite a bit.

I started to realize that I know very few people in this lovely new town of mine.  I also work 2 jobs now and spend what little free time I have either at home or in the city with my friends.  That means Mr. Right has to either show up at one of my workplaces, conveniently run into me at a bar or the grocery store, or be someone I already know.  None of these options seemed to be all that great for me, so I bit the bullet and decided to try online dating.  After all, it's ok to look, right?

I signed up at a free site and a pay site and started looking around to see what was out there.  My first search of each was within 20 miles of my house.  That produced lots of very special guys and many, many degenerates.  Clearly I needed to cast a wider net.  I expanded the search to 150 miles and found lots of hot guys, with real jobs and some sense of stability. Score!  Finished the profiles, added some pictures, and waited to see what would happen...

I have a match! Awesome! That didn't take long at all.  Now let's see who it is... Wait a second.  Wait an effing second.  Did this site really just charge me stupid amounts of money to set me up with the guy who's been stalking me since middle school and recently added registered sex offender to his driver's license?  Oh hell no!!! What have I gotten myself into?  It's ok, I've found the "block user" button.  It's conveniently located next to the "report user" button. So now I can block him from all contact and report his slimy ass to the site administrators. Whew... that was a close one!

So, onward with the journey.  It can't get any worse, right?