Holidating Ends, 2011 Begins

My 27 day adventure has come to a close.  I saw some familiar faces, some new faces, and that was really about it.  In the days since my last post, no miracles happened.  I got exactly two messages - one from the "sexy" Paul Giamatti look-alike (seriously... and it was the exact same form letter he had sent me 3 previous times. I didn't even dignify that with a response.  Is he persistent or does he suffer from amnesia? I'll never know.) and one from a guy who was clearly the man of my dreams, but I made no attempt to land that Prince Charming.  Why?  Well, first, he had no profile picture, though he did offer to send me pictures "upon request."  His message said we were "a perfect match" and that I was everything he was looking for.  He also said the fact that I was a Libra was really cool.  Actually, sir, it just means that I'm horribly indecisive and want everyone to be happy.  Maybe that's his idea of cool, but I doubt it.  So I checked out his profile, which is where I found the rest of the reasons not to respond.  The second was that he lives in Miami.  I have nothing against Miami.  I have nothing against him looking for someone within 5000 miles of his home.  But there is no part of Miami that is within 150 miles of Louisiana.  So strike two for him.  Then I read his description and had to do everything in my power not to laugh and call bullshit immediately.  You see, this prince has a Ph.D. from Harvard, is a self-employed millionaire, and lives on an estate with his dog and horses, where he enjoys hosting parties and playing polo.  Really, guy? Really????  Maybe this actually is his reality and I'm just far too cynical to ever believe it.  But you know what they say - if something seems too good to be true, it probably is.

That's how my online dating fairytale ended.  I got a message from the ideal man that I could not bring myself to respond to, and then the account went dead and shall never be revived again.  It wasn't entirely a lost cause, though.  Now when someone suggests I try online dating, I can tell them that I did and we can move on with our conversation.  When I see commercials for eHarmony or Match or any of the other sites, I can ignore them like I do so many others without wondering what may be out there.  Now I'll go back to the dating dark ages - meeting someone in public, exchanging phone numbers, and having actual human contact.  Human contact - what a concept!  I realized over the last few months that I need more of that in my life after discovering that I'm a pretty terrible flirt in person.  I can handle flirting electronically. That's easy.  But when it comes to giving off those nonverbal cues to someone that you kinda like what he's got going on, I am so far from expert level it scares me.  So I guess my next step in dating will be to become a better flirt, then maybe I'll have better results.

But as the book closes on internet dating and 2010, it opens on 2011 and endless possibilities.  My resolution for this year is pretty vague, which I think is exactly as it should be.  I'm not vowing to lose weight (after dropping 30 lbs in a year my grandma thinks I'm dying of some terrible disease... no more weight loss for me).  I'm not vowing to stop drinking soft drinks or cut back on alcohol or save more or spend less.  My resolution is this - don't waste the pretty.  It's a quote I read in a book many moons ago, and it always stuck with me.  This isn't about anything superficial, but about your life as a whole.  Don't waste the precious time you have on things that just aren't worth it.  No more stressing about situations I can't control, or getting all worked up about why he didn't call or whether I should give him a chance even though he doesn't meet any of my criteria.  I'll be keeping my worries and what ifs in check because those don't do anyone any good.  If I can wake up every morning and remind myself not to waste the pretty that day, then I think I'll be in for one awesome year, or at least it'll be a year with fewer headaches and less irritation.  What more can you ask for?

With that, I wish you a happy, safe, and fun new year.  Here's to 2011 and 365 chances to get it right!

Holidating: 6 Days Remain

Only 6 days to go until my account on the paid dating site is deactivated forever.  So far, I have absolutely nothing to show for it.  Nada. Zip. Zilch.  I haven't been on one date this month at all, let alone with anyone I met online.  My profile has been viewed almost 500 times in the last 21 days and I have exchanged messages with 40+ men, and I still have nothing. 

Well, maybe that's not entirely true.  No, I haven't had any dates through the site, but it isn't exactly right that I have nothing to show for it.  I've learned something about myself through this process, and that is that I can be picky.  Hey, I didn't say I learned something great about myself, but it's something.  I've been accused of being picky by friends and loved ones and I always shrugged it off.  I can't do that anymore.  It's a fact. I am picky when it comes to internet dating.

I've always believed that you should have some standards, some non-negotiables.  One of mine is smoking.  If you're a smoker, I'm not interested.  If you only smoke when you drink, I'm still not interested.  An occasional cigar with the boys, I can handle that, but that's as far as it goes.  If you are trying to quit or plan to quit one day, good for you!  Call me when that day actually comes.  There's a reason for my intense hatred of smoking, and it goes back to when I was a child and almost lost my grandpa to a heart attack that was the direct result of his smoking.  So yeah, that's a non-negotiable.

Another one of my non-negotiables is chemistry.  I've touched on this before, the idea of there being a "spark." I know lots of guys I enjoy being around and have great conversations with, but that doesn't mean I want to see them naked.  Likewise, I know some guys who are unbelievably hot, but there's nothing more to it than physical attraction.  I want both.  I want to have physical and emotional chemistry with someone, not one or the other.

Everything else - the age range, liking sports, proximity to where I live, education, etc - it's all open for discussion.  The problem with internet dating, though, is that when I put in my age range and proximity, combined with my preference for non-smokers, I ended up with lots of messages going to my filtered mail (as in, this guy sent you something, but he doesn't meet your criteria).  This happened so often that the site asked me if I wanted to remove my smoking preference.  Absolutely not!  But when I looked at the profiles of those who messaged, winked or simply viewed my page, I was met with the opportunity to be pickier than normal.  It's easy to remove all the smokers.  But then comes chemistry.  If your profile doesn't do it for me, I move on.  Same for pictures (or lack thereof - not having a picture is automatic removal).  If our messages or chats seemed forced or pointless, I'm out.  On one hand, I feel like there's a whole host of men out there who would have had a better chance if we had encountered each other in real life as opposed to on the internet.  But on the other hand, if my gut feeling is "don't bother" than why should I?  When is your gut feeling ever wrong?

I've made some exceptions along the way.  I've contacted people who winked, responded to people who were too young, too old or too far away.  I still haven't had any dates from it, so did it really make a difference?  Maybe I spent the last 3 weeks shooting myself in the foot.  Maybe my disdain for internet dating got in the way of my chance at finding something special.  Maybe, but then again, maybe Mr. Right doesn't have a profile online.  Either way, I'm no longer holding out hope that my next great romance will begin with a message on a dating site, but I'm ok with that.

I know fairy tales aren't real, and I know that the idea of finding "the one" gets pretty depressing once you look at the numbers and the odds of it happening, but I know that now is not the time to throw in the towel.  I know that love exists - I've seen it in my parents' marriage and many others - and I know that it's out there for me.  When the time is right, it will happen.

For now, I'm going to enjoy the holidays and spending them with the people who matter.  I'm also going to spend the next week or so thanking my brother for his new relationship and for bringing the girlfriend home to meet the family, as it will hopefully take some of the pressure off of me.  I'm going to do some cooking, laughing, eating, giving and celebrating, and I hope you do the same.  Merry Christmas, everyone!

Holidating: Week 2

Another week has come to a close in my 27 days of online dating experiment.  So far, I have practically nothing to show for it.  First, the stats:

• Page views - 428
• Emails - 32
• Winks (ugh) - 31
• IM conversations - 4
• Guys who have added me to their favorites - 1
• Phone numbers acquired - 3 (same as last week)
• Guys who requested the link to my blog - 4
• Dates planned - 2
• Dates that actually took place - 0

I think that pretty much says it all.  My profile has been looked at by 428 guys, but only 63 have tried to initiate any sort of contact - including the winkers.  That means I'm only hearing from 14.7% of the guys that look at my page.  Not bad, but not great.  When you figure in that only half of those are using email, while the other half are merely winking, the numbers reduce even more.  Then look at the success rate of those who contact me getting to a point where we decide meeting in person is a good idea and it's just sad.  And then we get the dates planned out and they end up not even happening... that's the kind of stuff that makes me want to go to the shelter and adopt a bunch of cats.

One of the dates wasn't really a "date," but rather more of a plan to meet up if we happened to be in the same place at the same time (tailgating before a Saints game).  My tailgate group bailed the day before and I had to work until all hours of the morning the night before the game, so I didn't make it out.  No worries, though. It wasn't like we'd agreed to meet by the flagpole at 11 am or anything.  In fact, my side of the conversation went like this: "Don't know if I'll make it out there to tailgate, but I'll let you know if I do."  So maybe it shouldn't be counted in the "dates planned" statistic.  Moving on...

The other planned "date" was to get together for drinks after the Saints game with a guy I'd actually had phone conversations with a couple of times last week.  I thought both conversations went well (though there were naturally some awkward pauses here and there, but those things happen when you talk to strangers), and our email messages were good too.  So he texts me after the game and says to let him know when and where.  I texted him back that I was grabbing some dinner and would let him know (drinking on an empty stomach NEVER works well for me).  Then he texted me a little later asking if we could reschedule because it was pretty dang cold outside.  In his defense, it was super cold and super windy.  It was the kind of weather that would result in you not wanting to leave your warm & cozy house.  Does that mean we have to wait until warmer weather - like March - to reschedule?  Not necessarily.  This is south Louisiana.  The last two days have seen temperatures in the 70's, and we'll see the same temps next week.  Still, I couldn't help but think it sounded like the excuse you make when, in reality, something better came along.  He said he would call me on Monday, I said ok, and that was that.  Then on Monday I got a text saying he'd call Tuesday.  And on Tuesday I got a text saying he was leaving town and would call on Friday.  Hm.... I could very easily give him the benefit of the doubt here, as my Monday - Wednesday were crazy busy with a relative in the hospital and things can certainly come up, but he could also be pulling the slow fade.  Lots of contact, a little less, still less contact, and then nothing.  Slowly fading out of my life.  Not a massive loss if that's the case, as I don't really actually know the guy.  It'll become clearer today if that "I'll call you Friday" plan materializes.

So what of the other 61 guys?  31 only winked, so now we're at 30. 12 of them don't meet my criteria, so now we're down to 18. Of those, two of them are guys I already knew in real life - guys I grew up with or went to school with and our messages are more of the fancy meeting you here variety than the let's get married and make beautiful babies kind.  Where are we now?  16.  One of those is the self-proclaimed-but-not-actually "sexy" guy.  So, 15.  Two of those 15 found me on facebook without asking if that was ok.  No, really, I'm not that anal about my fb page.  The fact is that one of those guys friended me on there before ever sending me a message on the dating site.  The other one sent me a message on fb after I neglected to respond to his message on the site.  I chose not to respond because he wasn't a paid subscriber and my only option was to email him.  I didn't want to use my email address for that, so I ignored him.  Then he found me on fb.  Uncool.  So here we stand at 13.  Of the remaining 13, 2 of them have no photos at all.  Of the remaining 11, there is either something in the profile or in a photo (or both) that doesn't work for me in 9 of them.  So now we're down to 2.  I just started getting to know one of those guys.  As for the other one, he's no longer in the running.  Here's why:

This particular character sent me a message to which I responded.  Then we started chatting through an outside service for a little while.  The first day or two of chat went decently enough.  The conversation didn't move freely and was a little forced, but it was ok.  One of his earlier topics of conversation was sex.  I told him that wasn't really ok with me, as I'm not a fan at all of discussing my sex life with strangers (or non-strangers, for that matter).  He apologized and we moved on.  He started texting me, which was fine.  At one point he got aggravated because I didn't immediately respond and wanted to know if I lost interest.  I told him I had not, but that it's sometimes difficult for me to respond right away while I'm at work.  But then the conversations became more and more forced.  They generally went like this:

Him: Hey
Me: Hi
Him: How are you?
Me: Pretty good. At work right now. How are you?
Him: Ok

And then they stop.  Because here's the thing - if I'm at work and you're texting me, all I can really provide is a response.  And he wasn't giving me much to respond to.  It is incredibly hard for me to initiate awesome text conversations when I also have to ring up purchases or help people find books, especially during the holidays.  So after about a week of this nonsense he asked me again if I had lost interest.  I was honest with him and told him that the initial excitement was definitely long gone and, without that, it's hard to keep interest in pursuing something with someone you've never met and know practically nothing about.  Maybe other people are into that, but I'm not.  The conversations were forced and ones I didn't look forward to having.  Seeing his name pop up in a chat window or on a text message didn't make me happy; it actually made me a little frustrated.  The whole thing involved far too much effort, whereas I could text or chat or message other guys I met through the site with ease.  He told me I was confusing.  His number is no longer in my phone and he can safely be crossed off the list of potential next boyfriends.

I guess I won't have much to show for this little month-long experiment other than a few new blog posts.  That's ok, though, and I'm not letting these failures get me down.  I'm working on some possibilities offline that have far more potential than any of the 428 guys who have looked at my profile ever will.

Holidating: Week 1 Update

First, I'll answer the question I know has been on your minds since last week.  Yes, I did see that guy from my last stint online who wanted to know if I was fat (as he only wanted someone in top shape) at the cheer competition.  I don't know that he saw me, but someone yelled his name and he walked past and there was no mistaking him... or the keg he was smuggling under his shirt.  Hypocritical jerk.

Moving on...  My current experiment is going well.  I've gotten better messages from guys as a result of my blunt profile.  I've also noticed, though, that I'm not getting the winks (yay) or generic messages I got last time around.  Maybe it's because these guys don't want to bother when I've spelled out what I want so clearly, as they know they don't fit the description.  Maybe the fact that I'm not presenting myself as some girl-next-door guy-pleasing airhead is keeping away a whole crop of weirdos.  I don't really know why, but I like it regardless.  I do know that the process appears to be moving somewhat slower this time around, perhaps because I'm not dealing with tons of messages from guys I'm not interested in and am instead having more meaningful conversations with people with actual potential.

That doesn't mean I haven't heard from nutcases, though.  Unfortunately for some of these guys, my brain remembers strange things, like birthdays of people I haven't spoken to in years and, more importantly, usernames.  So the couple of guys who contacted me the first time around that I wasn't interested in were people I certainly remembered when I got messages from them in the last few days.  Examples - remember that guy who called himself "sexy" in his username but was actually far from it?  He made a comeback.  So did the guy who sent me multiples of the same message saying he was leaving the site.  He sent me another one saying, yet again, that he only had a few more days and I should email him.  In reality, he's probably only doing the free trial which wouldn't let him see messages sent to him.  If that's the case, say it!  Don't lie and say you're leaving when clearly you haven't left yet and it's been 6 months.

One of my favorites was from a new guy who saw on my profile that I wanted to find a man of at least 26 years, but was only 25.  He sent me a message begging me to give him a chance because he owns a house and is reliable.  I responded saying that my age range wasn't set arbitrarily, but out of trial and error, and that I would not grant him that exception.  His response?  "I'll be 26 in a year."  Ok... and I'll be 29 in a year, at which point my minimum age will rise to 27.  This guy also lost points for friend requesting me on facebook prior to sending me a message through the site.  My last name and email address aren't listed on the site, but my first name is.  All I can figure is that this little detective searched through all the women with my first name in our town until he found me.  You better believe I called him out on the creepiness of that shit.

Other than that, the site has been letting me down by continuing to match me up with guys I already know.  I kid you not, it's been 6 days and I've been matched with 4 guys from my hometown and 1 guy I dated in college.  I'd say this defeats the purpose, though someone else said that maybe the site is trying to tell me I don't need to go online to find someone new because I already know plenty of great guys.

On a more promising note, I've been exchanging messages with a couple of guys with some level of potential.  We've gotten to that stage where it's time to meet in person to see what would happen.  I'll surely let you know what happens if/when we meet.

Here are the current stats:

• Page views - 189
• Emails - 18
• Winks (ugh) - 20
• IM conversations - 3
• Guys who have added me to their favorites - 1 (someone deleted me... I know who it was, and this is actually a great thing) 
• Phone numbers acquired - 3
• Guys who requested the link to my blog - 4
• Dates planned - 0 (as in time & place; can't tell you how many times I've heard "we should meet up")

27 Days of Dating

My mom called yesterday afternoon with some interesting info that I hadn't thought about.  I'm working a cheerleading competition with her on Sunday at a place that employs one of my former suitors on the paid dating site.  Remember the guy who politely called me fat and was super nosy?  Well, he works at the arena hosting the competition and is apparently their contact.  I didn't even put all that together until mom called and suggested I find a way to remember his name and face, should we encounter each other this weekend.  Good call on her part, otherwise I'd go crazy trying to figure out how I knew him.

So I went on the site to see if I could recover the old emails (I couldn't) or find him in a search (I didn't, but I did find him on the employee list of the arena's website - crisis averted), but I did discover that my account is till paid up until December 29th.  Once I saw that I thought, "Let's do something crazy."  I updated all my info and changed all my pictures and have now embarked on 27 days of online dating.

I'm approaching it a little differently this time, and that's where the experiment part comes in.  My page is about as bluntly honest as it could possibly get.  I have my very specific description of what I want (a 26-35 yr old man, not boy, who is confident & sane but not a rebel, etc.... note the age range has changed again). I also disclosed that I'm only there until 12/29 and then I'm gone forever.  I also mention having a cat who is spoiled and that I tried online dating once before and ended up hiding my profile and essentially quitting.  All of my pictures are from 2010 (which I also mention) and I even put that I have a relationship blog and that all the sordid details of our courtship would be written for all the world to read.  Is there a man up for the challenge?  More importantly, would my honesty and forthrightness (there's a college word for you!) make me more successful than when I made my first attempts and used words and pictures I thought guys would like?

I updated everything at 5 pm Thursday, and since then here's how it stands (all stats as of 4:30 pm Friday, so less than 24 hours):

• Page views - 35
• Emails - 7
• Winks (ugh) - 11
• IM conversations - 2
• Guys who have added me to their favorites - 2
• Phone numbers acquired - 2
• Guys who requested the link to my blog - 3
• Dates planned - 0

Not too bad, I say.  Yes, I know I quit all this a couple months ago. Yes, I know I swore I'd never do it again.  But I'm horribly indecisive and easily bored and this seemed like a fun thing to do during the holidays (holidating! woohoo!). 

I'll probably put more updates on the facebook page than I do on here, so if you want to keep track that way, "like" the page at http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Confessions-of-an-Online-Dating-Queen/133961919986612.

Here's to some fun!

I'm Not Your Single Friend

I've been on hiatus the last couple of weeks.  This wasn't an intentional break from blogging, but an accidental one resulting from the fact that I've had no thoughts, encounters, or moments over the last few weeks that made me think "Oh I need to post about that!"  I did briefly entertain the idea of blogging about relationship-related things I was thankful for, but then life got in the way and I didn't have two seconds at my computer to spit out a post.  But on looking back at the last couple of blog-free weeks, and the last few months, actually, I feel the need to point something out to those of you who are still reading: I am not one-dimensional.

Contrary to what you may think given the nature of my posts, there is more to me than my relationship status.  And while you may be reading this thinking "duh.. I know that," it's becoming clear to me that some people don't.  This begins my rant.

I don't spend my waking hours or my dreaming ones thinking of Mr. Right or longing for my wedding day.  It will come in time, but I don't obsess over it.  I don't wonder if every guy I come in contact with is single or if he could be the guy for me.  I don't read romance novels or watch Lifetime movies (though I do watch reruns of "How I Met Your Mother" on Lifetime, but that's it).  As a matter of fact, my book collection includes humor, short story anthologies, sports books, inspirational books, biographies, books on terrorism and classics.  I keep my reading of romance novels to summertime when I want something I can read in one sitting at the pool, though most of my reading material this past summer was the latest issue of The New Yorker magazine.  And my favorite TV shows?  Mostly crime dramas. I hate that the original Law & Order is gone, but I watch SVU and really enjoy Criminal Minds and CSI:NY. I also record House, HIMYM, Big Bang Theory, and Glory Daze because the humor keeps me balanced.

The folks who really know me, my actual friends, know there's more to me than who I'm dating, and I am forever grateful for that.  But there are so many people out there who claim to be a friend but have this idea that I am best described as "the single girl" and it's beginning to bother me.  I hate that there are people who think it's helpful or friend-like to mention my name when a guy says that he's single.  I prefer the people who mention my name when someone says they enjoy politics (don't remember if I mentioned this in any previous posts, but my full-time job is in government).  And while I appreciate book recommendations, I like the kind that come when asked or when someone tags me in a facebook list of good books they've read.  I may not have responded to that post, but it's helping me to prioritize what I read next on my list of 30 books to read before I turn 30, so thanks.  But if you think you're being a great friend for letting me know Steve Harvey has another relationship book out, you're doing quite the opposite.  I work part-time at a bookstore. Trust me, I know about Steve Harvey's new book.  If it's something I want to pick up then I will, but it's highly unlikely that it will ever happen (as one of my BFF's told me - I'm not socially retarded and don't need to waste my time on self-help crap).  And your attempt at being a great friend is actually showing me how little you really know about me.

I understand that it is my responsibility to help you know me better, so here are some suggestions of ways to think of me (in no particular order):

• The girl who enjoys dancing - I'm currently in my 17th year of jazz, tap, ballet and lyrical classes at a studio I began at when I was 2.  I also took 2 years of dance classes in college and was part of the Theatre Dance Ensemble.
• The girl who likes football - I spend Friday nights in the fall in the press box at my high school football stadium. My dad is the announcer and I'm his spotter.  I watch football on Saturdays, Sundays, Mondays and the occasional Thursday (unless I'm at work). I love the Saints, LSU and the Voodoo arena football team.
• The girl who is sarcastic/snarky - I have friends who think my sarcasm is endearing and that it makes me funny. That's cool.  The simple fact is that I'm not the girl who will dote over you and fake concern. Case in point: a guy at the store (attractive and unmarried, at that) told me that a piece of ceiling tile fell mere inches from where he was standing and that he could've been hurt (not in the sense that he wanted to speak to a manager, but more in the sense that he was trying to flirt with me - had been all night). My response: "Yeah, I saw you go down that aisle and then I saw the tile fall and I thought 'that could suck.' Come back and see us and we promise not to try to kill you next time."  Apparently the correct response involved me saying something like, "You poor thing! Are you ok?" or some similar crap.  Again, I'm not that girl.
• The girl who did pageants - It's true. I started competing in high school and continued in college. Won a couple of titles, spent most of my time as the perpetual first-runner up, and even vied for the title of Miss Louisiana (America, not USA).  Won some good scholarship money, had a great wardrobe, had a crew that followed me around while I competed (my "traveling circus"... love those guys), learned a lot about the citrus industry, got to know different parts of the state, and had an awesome time doing all of it! There continue to be girls out there who call me for advice when they compete in different pageants, and I'm always happy to help and lend out some interview suits or evening gowns.
• The girl who knows a good deal about disasters - I'm talking fires, hurricanes, earthquakes, that kind of stuff.  I spent 4 years chasing hurricanes with FEMA and moved to North Carolina to get a graduate certificate in Emergency Management.  When I was with FEMA, I worked with the nonprofit and faith-based groups to help those who were falling through the cracks. I worked long hours and long weeks (often 12-hour days and 7-day weeks), but at the end of it all I knew people were able to return home partly because of my efforts, and that's an unbelievable feeling.
• The girl who cracks up bookstore coworkers with her bad Sarah Palin impression - It's really not that special or good, but some of the guys find it hilarious. I throw out my best Fargo accent and say "You betcha!" and "Dontcha know" and they laugh every time.  I'm no Tina Fey, but it helps the closing shifts go by faster.
• The girl whose brother works in NASCAR - I used to hate auto racing with a passion. I mean, what could possibly be fun about watching grown men spend 3 hours making left turns? But my brother wanted nothing more than to work in that industry and I will always support him.  Three years ago he was hired on by the best company in all of NASCAR, Hendrick Motorsports, and at 24 he is the proud owner of 3 championship rings.  And after living with him in Charlotte (race capital of the USA) for 2 years, I now know more about the sport than I ever thought I would.  This can also be cross-referenced with the girl who is really close to her brother and is so proud of his success she sometimes tears up thinking about it.

Those are just a few of the things I thought about, but there are others.  I have friends who associate me with the one Cher song I hate, friends who associate me with cows (only black & white ones, though), and a whole host of other things.  I hope that, going forward, people will associate me with any or all of these things I mentioned, rather than only seeing me as the girl with the relationship blog who is looking for a man.  If you really knew me, you'd know that's not me at all.

*end rant*

I May Settle Down, But I'll Never Settle

You know that old saying "when it rains, it pours?"  I think that would pretty accurately describe my life these days.  Thank goodness for unlimited texting, free long distance, and decent calling plans, or my cell phone bill would be astronomical.  It's great to have options, that's for sure.  But do you know what's really great about them?  Having options lets you stack up the competition.  Instead of settling for Mr. Good Enough, I can compare them all and make (hopefully) better decisions.  So far, it's working quite nicely.  It's amazing how having one or two legitimate options can help you to quickly and easily realize that others aren't right for you and that it's time to cut ties and move along.

In most cases, I knew I wasn't feeling it for someone or was no longer feeling the same way about someone I once thought had potential (case in point - someone said to me "you could do better" and my immediate, verbal response was a matter-of-fact "I know".... this has happened twice in the last month).  But then I'd start getting bored with life and start thinking of the ones waiting in the wings, the guys I knew I could call when life got me down for happy conversation and maybe some shameless flirting.  You know what? That's never a good idea.  I've never liked being the girl who was called when there were no other options, and I don't like the thought of doing that to someone else.  That's just not cool for anybody.  So if I did that to you, my apologies. And if you're doing that to me, STOP IT! I'd rather not hear from you at all than only hear from you when you're bored/lonely.  So there I was, in this funk, surrounded by guys who created a level of excitement that could best be described as "meh"...

And then the phone rang....

I can't tell you how long it's been since I've gotten a call or text or fb message or whatever that had me flustered, but it was one of those.  Think back for a minute to when you were 13 and that cute guy at school said hi to you by your locker or passed a note to you in class.  Do you remember how it felt to have those butterflies in your stomach?  Or to tell your friends every detail of what seemed like the biggest moment of your life, all while squealing "OMG!!" and giggling like crazy people?  Or going weak in the knees when he walked by? (Or giving him a code name so you could talk about him with him standing right next to you, none the wiser? ..... No?? Maybe it was just me & my friends.)

That feeling is AMAZING!!  I forgot what it was like to have those teenager-ish feelings about someone, as it's probably been 6 years or so since someone made me giddy like a schoolgirl.  Then I started to wonder where those feelings have been all this time.  I've been single for about 3 years now and have obviously been on dates in that time, but I find it difficult to think of one guy who made me that excited.  Lately, my pre-date routine has involved waiting until the last possible second to get ready and throwing on whatever is clean.  In some cases I even put on blush and mascara, but full makeup has been a rare thing.  Nobody has really felt worth the effort.

I feel like I'm now able to see that more clearly than I had been.  No more wasting anyone's time with thoughts of settling for someone who is just sort of ok.  If you text me and all I can think is "ugh... I was in the middle of a nap," then it's time to move on.  Those guys who aren't right will now be forever relegated to the dreaded friend zone.  If they're cool with that, then great.  Just know that when I ask for help moving furniture, it's not a euphemism and there will be no special thank you's for a job well done.

As for this new man with potential, maybe something will happen and maybe it won't.  Either way, I'm excited to see what the future has in store and I refuse to settle because I know Mr. Right is still out there somewhere.

High School Crushes and Future Relationships

Ricky Martin's memoir came out this week.  That may not mean anything to you, but for me it brought back memories of high school, Living La Vida Loca, and the oodles of times I have been sorely misguided in my quest to find a man.  Yes, friends, I had a major crush on a super-gay Ricky Martin.  He's a gorgeous man who could sing and dance - what's not to love?  Sadly, this has been but one of many poor choices when it comes to men.  Also when I was in high school, I, like many girls, loved the boys of *NSync.  But did I crush on Justin Timberlake or JC Chasez?  Of course not.  I wanted Lance Bass.  Dear God, what is wrong with me???  So when Lance was outed, I was heartbroken.  And I was heartbroken again when Ricky came out of the closet. (Now part of me is waiting for the rest of my crushes and exes to reveal that they, too, prefer guys, but I take comfort in knowing that some of them will never utter those words.)

Surely having two celebrity crushes turn out to be gay doesn't make me a complete failure.  But when I combine that with the rest of the guys I have loved and lost, it makes me wonder where I went wrong.  I have this fancy list of all the things I'd like in a guy - the guy who meets my age range, non-smoking, pro-voting, job-having (etc etc) criteria.  But that's really just a pipe dream.  That criteria is my ideal guy, one I may never find.  If you break it down to my absolute minimum requirements, I really only want three things:

1. Someone who will treat me well
2. Someone who will challenge me
3. Someone with whom I have chemistry

That's it.  When it all comes down to it, give me those three things and I will be satisfied. Anything else is a bonus.  But here are the combinations I have been able to find so far:

• Treats me well + challenges me = just friends
• Treats me well + chemistry = doormat (aka yes man, aka boring)
• Challenges me + chemistry = jerk

I have, on rare occasion, found guys who have all three.  But then the inevitable happens - one of us lacks emotional availability.  The timing is wrong for whatever reason and it just doesn't happen.  And you know what? That sucks big time.  Whether it's someone I walked away from because I was an idiot, or someone who said no to me for whatever reason, it's never something that sits well with me.

There's a chart (found here: http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-a-chart-that-perfectly-reflects-my-dating-history/), a triangle actually, that says you have to pick two out of attractive, intelligent and emotionally stable.  I'm not even asking for attractive and intelligent.  Those qualities are subjective, if you think about it.  I know people who think their significant others are incredibly beautiful or super smart and I don't see the same thing when I'm around them.  That's ok, though.  What works for you doesn't have to work for me.  I just want my 3 things and a guy who is man enough to say, "Ok... let's try this for real."

That's right, I'm talking a relationship here.  And I know some of you are wondering what a relationship with yours truly would entail.  At some point in the past, it would have meant a lot.  Now, not so much.  You see, I have two jobs (and am currently working on attaining a third - color me crazy).  So would there be lots of time spent together? Nope.  Seeing each other once a week would be ideal, maybe twice if we're really lucky, but I wouldn't count on it.  You know what else would be nice? Having someone to dance with at the weddings I'm invited to (of which there is currently one between now and 2012).  Some girls need constant phone calls, but I'd take one every now and again.  Texting works better for me, though.  Throw in the peace of mind that you're not sleeping with someone else, and we're good to go (the easiest way to accomplish this is by simply adding that bf/gf label - no need to go facebook official or anything like that).  Maybe it will eventually evolve into something serious and beautiful (maybe it will devolve, who knows? I can't predict the future, and I'd guess neither can you).

Is that asking for too much?  Maybe, but I don't think so.  Over time I've come to realize that I can manage as a single girl, so I'm not looking for someone to complete me or fill the voids in my life.  What I'm looking for is someone to complement me (not to be confused with compliment, although I won't ever refuse one).  That's why I'm not looking for constant contact or daily visits or anything of that nature.  You live your life, I'll live mine, and there will be some overlap.

This should explain the point I'm trying to make:

Yep. That pretty much sums it up (originally found here: http://ilovecharts.tumblr.com/post/1346318542/meowface-relationship-advice-i-wish-i-could).

In completely related and borderline TMI news (don't say you weren't warned), I have been told this week by more than 4 people that I am wound up tight, appear super stressed, and could use some sort of release.  I have also been encouraged countless times to take a stranger home from a bar.  As we all know, I am not that girl.  So instead, I will find my release in copious amounts of football watching, an adult beverage or two, some dancing, and my 5:50 pm ritual of walking through the breezeway at my apartment to my car while watching the shirtless, muscular mystery man work out in the field across the street.  This will have to suffice until my next relationship begins, I guess.

And Now You're Back

It took me all week to figure out what this week's post should discuss.  Not because it was an uneventful week, but actually because the week was so eventful I had a hard time picking one thing.  I briefly entertained the idea of giving you the schizophrenic post where I wrote about everything on my mind, but I decided against that.  I'll give you a taste at what those things were, though:

1. A blog post listing 5 "signs" why you may be addicted to being single (can be found here: http://www.yourtango.com/proconnect/201085438/5-signs-you-are-addicted-being-single).  One day I thought it was stupid, another day I was outraged.  Then I realized that, while their signs don't apply to me, I probably am addicted to being single. Oh well. There are worse things I could be addicted to. (Something to think about - maybe I pushed commitment on former-FWB, knowing full well that the answer would be no, in order to get out of the quasi-relationship and get back to being 100% single. hmm..... wouldn't be the first time....)
2. Another blog post with 5 reasons - this one rattling of reasons why she stopped seeing you (http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=12145&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=706373).  The preview made me think I could read this and then explore it in-depth in my blog.  But then I read the article and it isn't worth the time it has already been given.  The gist of it is that basically the guy did something he never knew he did that the woman deemed a red flag and moved on.  That's right, it's not you.  It's us and our crazy checklists that we keep stored in our minds. "He made me split the check, so I excused myself for the bathroom and jumped out the window." Happens all the time.
3. Other ideas that now escape me.... maybe I'll remember them for next week.  Then again, maybe I won't.

So what was the winner for this week's post?  It all started with a song and spiraled out of control from there.  I watch VH1's Jumpstart every morning (yes, I see the same music videos every morning all week long. I happen to enjoy it.) and I saw this new one from Christina Perri.  It's called "Jar of Hearts" and it's a haunting, sad, go screw yourself song aimed at an ex (enjoy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM).  Some memorable lines from the song include, "You're gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul" and "Now you're back. You don't get to get me back."  Really, it's great stuff.

Before you get all wild with ideas, no, this is not aimed at anyone.  I don't belt it out in my car as the anthem for that jerk I once dated at some point in my life.  That's what got me thinking about this week's post, actually, that I don't really have a jerk in my past that would apply to that song.  There is only one guy I would think of as that big of a jerk and I don't think he'd have the balls to even attempt to try to reconnect.

So my wild train of thought then took me to the rest of the exes (there weren't that many... 5 total, including aforementioned jerk) and even guys who weren't officially "boyfriend," but who played some sort of supporting role in my life.  If one of them showed back up in my life, would it be a good idea to try again?

For a long time I was of the belief that relationships should be one and done things.  We had our chance, it didn't work, now we both move on with our lives but there will never again be an "us."  This was a crazy idea brought about by the only guy who ever managed to get a second chance.  Clearly, it didn't work.  After that I thought, "what a waste" and vowed to never do that again.  While I was giving him a second chance, I could've been dating someone better for me - or no one at all!  But now I'm thinking that, depending on the situation, the people and the relationship, maybe second chances aren't bad ideas after all.

In cases of right time, wrong person (which I know all too well, sadly), I'd say a reunion is a bad idea.  Unless it's something like he was the wrong person because he smoked like a chimney, but he quit and has been smoke-free for 2 years, then maybe.  But if he's the wrong person because he's immature or a serial killer or tells really racist jokes, then don't wait around for him to become the right person.  Odds are, he won't.  And if he does, good for him, but you still shouldn't wait around for him.  Move on with your life and if he catches up and it works for you, then good.  If not, then tough cookies.

But in cases of right person, wrong time, maybe it's a good idea to try again if you're given the opportunity.  Then you've got right person, right time, and success and happiness and rainbows and kittens and whatnot. (I will not lie, there is at least one person who comes to mind in this scenario. Is it one-sided? Probably, but a girl can dream.)

And just because the fates think it's really funny to screw with my head and my poor little heart, they unleashed a great deal of insanity and chaos on me since the last post.  I started listening to Christina Perri and reliving past relationships and other romantic encounters and what happens?  Texts from exes (and some non-exes) start flooding my phone, FB messages start coming in, and I even ran into one ex at a football game.  I thought about saying hello to the family of one of my other exes at the same football game, just to complete the ex-boyfriend trifecta (contact with 3 exes in about 5 days), but I passed on that one.  It would've been too much.  If these are signs, I don't know what they're supposed to mean.  My relationship guru tried talking sense into me, saying that getting texted by a guy means he's thinking of me.  My response: "That's all well and good, but one 'hey, what's up?' text doesn't make me giddy like a schoolgirl."

The reality of it is that none of this matters.  I could spend all day wondering what would happen if one of my former flames wanted to reconnect, but it's not happening in real life.  What ifs are fun for daydreaming, but they won't get you very far.  And I don't want to be the person who lives life wrapped up in "what ifs" because that kind of person misses out on actually enjoying life as it comes.  So IF there's a guy out there still holding on to old feelings for me and IF he decides he wants to try again, the answer is... I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

Wearing an Invisible Crown

For this week's post we're going to talk about confidence.  Confidence is the key to success, whether you're trying to pick up somebody at a bar or coffee shop or trying to work your way up the ladder at work.  A healthy dose of confidence can go a long, long way.

The past three years were definitely not easy ones for me.  I had a terrible breakup, a move to a strange state, a job that kept me away from home for months at a time, a best friend who moved to the other side of the world, and some serious weight gain.  After the first year and a half of all that mess, I was one sad, lonely, miserable girl.  My self esteem plummeted.  My smile turned into a frown.  Life sucked.

Almost a year ago (4 months before I moved back home from North Carolina), I decided I had enough.  I got a temporary job at a non-profit where I met amazing people and started taking care of myself physically and emotionally.  It's been a long battle to get back to happy, but I made it.  I was talking to my mom the other day about some crazy things I'm plotting and she said what's great about it is that I have this attitude about me where I'm willing to take risks and try crazy things that I would have scoffed at last year.

I've seen the changes happening, but I really noticed it on my trip back to Charlotte.  On Friday night, my brother, his roommate, the roommate's girlfriend, and I all hit up some Uptown bars and partied like crazy people.  I've been to these same places with the same people in the past, and I remember having a decent time, but not doing much dancing and instead doing a lot of standing around acting like a wallflower.  I wasn't the type of girl to approach a stranger or dance alone.  This weekend, though, things were very different.  I approached LOTS of strangers and I had no problem dancing alone.  Most of the time, I'd start rocking out to a song and some strange guy would show up to dance with me (this was great except for the redneck boys who thought it was appropriate to grind to the Motown remix. So not cool.).  I'm sure part of the fun was the result of my living in the moment attitude, a byproduct of walking around with the idea that I was only there for a weekend and I wanted to enjoy every second of it.  But part of it was also because I'm happy with myself and I was determined to have a great time, without giving any thought to what someone else might think or say.  And you know what? It was fantastic!!

Now, for your reading pleasure, some of those fantastic encounters with strangers:

I saw a group of about 6 guys in suits all standing around in between the bar and dance floor.  This was a strange thing to see, as the bar we were at is owned by a popular NASCAR driver and was full of redneck race fans.  I thought, "What's the deal with the suits?"  So I approached the group to find out.
Me: Hey guys, I appreciate that you suited up.  This bar needed a little class.  Unfortunately, you're late.
Random Suit Guy: What do you mean? What are we late for?
Me: International Suit Up Day was Wednesday.  Today is Friday. You are late.  [I think only 2 of the 6 got my How I Met Your Mother reference.  3 of them have an excuse for being Canadian.]
Other Random Suit Guy: Better late than never, right? Besides, it's always a good day to wear a suit.
Another Random Suit Guy: Yeah, you dressed up. So we thought we should, too. It was the nice thing to do.
Me: I appreciate that.  So really, what gives with the suits?
1st Suit Guy: We're here for a convention.  We came straight out once it was over.
Me: A convention, you say?  Where are y'all from?
Them: Canada, Canada, Canada, Chicago, Michigan, Montana [that last one may have been Florida, I don't remember].  What about you?
Me: New Orleans
Them: Wooo!!! New Orleans! So you know how to party? I love New Orleans!!
Me: Of course I know how to party. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go dance.  Feel free to join me. [2 of them did.]

Sure there was a little liquid courage involved that had me approaching 6 guys to find out why they wore suits to a redneck bar, but there was also a good deal of plain old confidence.  The way I saw it, what were the odds that all 6 of them would remain completely silent when approached by a lone girl?  I got the answer I was looking for and got to dance with a couple of Canadians.  It was a win-win situation.

At one point, I was walking back to the dance floor from the bathroom when a random guy grabbed my arm and pulled me towards him.  He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Finally! You found me!"  Old me would have shyly laughed and walked away.  New me was having none of that and decided to play along.

Me: About time.  I have been looking everywhere for you.  I was just about to give up and hang out with that guy [pointing at one of his friends].
Him: Really?
Me: Yep.  I thought you were hiding from me.  But now that I've found you and you've found me, we don't have to worry about that anymore. [the confused look on his face was priceless, as was the sad puppy look on his friend's face]

We did the name-exchange thing, and I found out there were 4 of them.  The 2 friends, some other guy who had found himself some girl, and the married friend.  Married guy quickly became my ally starting with this exchange:

Me: So, where are y'all from?
Guy 1: New York
Me: New York? That's awesome! [at this point, I see married guy shaking his head]..... Wait a second, your friend is shaking his head. Where are you really from?
Guy 1: New York.
Me: Married guy - what's the truth here?  Clearly you guys aren't from New York.  And as we all know, it is a rule that married guys have to tell the truth. [my brother's roommate later asked when this became a rule. It became a rule when I made it up at that moment. Married guy believed it, so it's a rule. That simple.]
Guy 1: Fine.... we're from New Jersey.

I spent the better part of the night dancing with the guys from Jersey.  I'd switch it up between guy 1 and his dejected, sad puppy friend.  We had a great time, even ended up dancing on the stage at one point.  While hanging out with my Jersey friends, I noticed two giants (seriously, at least 7 feet tall each) in tuxedo t-shirts.  I had a hunch those boys were from my home state, so I approached them.  Sure enough, they were.  I can't explain the drunk girl logic used to determine guys in tuxedo t-shirts at North Carolina bars must be from Louisiana, but I'm sure it stems from the same logic that determined married guys must tell the truth.  Again, I have to emphasize that a year ago I would have wondered if those guys in goofy tuxedo shirts were from Louisiana without ever finding out for sure.  They were giants capable of squishing my head with their hands - I certainly never would have approached them, not with a group of friends and definitely not alone.  But on Friday night, you would have thought I owned that bar and that I was the queen of the East Coast.

I spent the rest of my weekend getaway with that kind of "I'm awesome" attitude.  I had the time of my life and didn't have a care in the world.  So what if my hair was wind-blown or my mascara was running? I was happy and having fun.  Did I wear head-to-toe LSU gear to the NASCAR race Saturday night, prompting lots of strange looks from people?  Sure did, but it also was a great conversation starter and I was quite surprised at the number of times I heard "Geaux Tigers" from random people in the crowd.

I have reached a point in my life where I am happy with who I am and where my life is going.  No, I'm not making the kind of money I hoped to be making at 28 with two college degrees, but I love both of my jobs and the places they can take me.  And no, I don't have a guy by my side to share my life with, but I have friends and family who are along for the ride.  I have a positive energy about me that makes me feel like anything is possible.

So remember, a little confidence and a positive attitude can make a big difference. Sure, a little substance to back it up doesn't hurt, but even that isn't totally necessary. (Just look at Kim Kardashian - she was a nobody until her sex tape came out, then she started acting like she owned Hollywood and now she's everywhere, even without any discernible talent.)  I encourage you to go out there into the world and act like you have a crown on your head.  Be happy with who you are and where your life is going and kick some ass!  You may be surprised at where life takes you when you learn to really live and enjoy each day.

Getting Older, Wiser, and Stronger

First, I want to thank all of you who called, texted or sent me facebook messages in response to last week's post.  I appreciate your love and support immensely.  I also appreciate that 85% of your messages centered on my use of the word "hornball" and that 100% of those who contacted me were male.  You're all too wonderful for words, even those of you who wish to encourage my questionable behavior.

Moving on.... Since last week's post, a few notable things have happened.  We'll start small and work our way up.  Last week's post was mentioned on TresSugar (thanks!) and at last count it was approaching 700 views.  This did funny things for my sense of confidence in this little old blog, and as a result, Confessions of an Online Dating Queen now has its own facebook page.  So if you like reading about my journey to find my prince on a white horse, find me on facebook and like the page.  You'll get all the latest and greatest and maybe even some bizarre status updates.  Doesn't that sound like fun?

In less than fun news, the same day I told Mr. Can't Commit to stay out of my bed, my apartment flooded.  It happened that night while I was conveniently out of town.  Some valve broke and it just kept gushing water until it eventually got into my neighbor's apartment the next morning.  Maintenance took care of pretty much everything involving cleanup, but it was my job to take care of my stuff.  I can't begin to explain how incredibly hard it was to resist the urge to play damsel in distress and call up my former FWB.  I was even encouraged to do so by a friend of mine.  But I decided this guy needed to be out of my life, and I was determined to keep it that way.  Somehow I found strength I didn't know I had and managed to get through this mess and chaos by myself.  My mom came by the next day to help me out, but even she saw how much I had done and said there wasn't really anything for her to do.  While I really wanted to break down and cry, I channeled all of my frustration, anger, and other funky emotions into determination.  I managed to move all of my furniture off the wet floor and into the very small dry spots of the apartment without anyone there to help.  A friend of mine said it was awesome that I did all that alone, but that I'd certainly be sore the next day.  And I was a little sore, but I was also incredibly impressed with myself.  Who knew that I could move a queen-sized bed?  Or a bookcase full of crap?  I did it all, and it felt great!  I realized I don't need a man around to help me through tough times, or to move furniture or make suggestions on how to deal with the funky smell that's probably the result of mold.  Go help an old lady cross a street or something, because I've got this and I don't need to be rescued.

In happier news, I had my 10 year high school reunion Friday night.  I co-planned the event with one of my best friends, and everything went really well.  The party was successful, people had fun, and they thanked us for putting it on.  What more could you ask for?  It was great seeing everyone again and catching up with old friends.  Most of the conversations centered on the usual where do you live/what do you do stuff, but the majority of us are connected on facebook, so we could forgo the typical chat.  Here were some of the conversations I had with those guys:

Guy 1: So what's this blog thing I see you put on facebook?
Me: It's my life, basically.
Guy 1: So you're online dating?
Me: Not anymore.  I quit that part. Now it's just about the rest of my attempts at dating.
Guy 1: You don't need online dating.  You'll find someone great someday.  (awww... how sweet is that guy?)

Guy 2: So.... are you seeing anybody?
Me: No.
Guy 2: Not even a little bit?
Me: No.
Guy 2: Not even, like, FWB or talking to somebody?
Me: No. (The conversation probably would have gone further, but at that point I was pulled away to do the Cupid Shuffle. Or was it the Bunny Hop? I can't remember.)

Guy 3: When did you get hot?
Me: Clearly sometime over the last 10 years.  It's hard to pinpoint the exact day, but I'd imagine it was somewhere around the time you got married.
Guy 3: Yeah, I'm married now.  But I've got single friends.
Me: Well, what are you waiting for? Hook a girl up!

So overall, the reunion went really well.  What girl doesn't want to hear she went from being the nerd girl to a hot girl?  It was a good night for me, a good night for my classmates, and I can't wait to do it again in 5 years.

Perhaps the biggest thing this week, though, is my birthday.  I'm turning 28 tomorrow and another birthday means another moment of reflection on my life thus far.  When I was a little girl, I decided the age to be married by was 27.  If I wasn't married by 27, I didn't know what I would do (probably start taking in stray cats, I guess).  I don't know why I picked that age. Maybe it was because I was 10 and 17 years seemed like more than enough time to find Mr. Right.  Maybe it seemed like a good age to get married and still leave time to have my first child before turning 30.  Well, 28 is upon me and, needless to say, I failed to meet my goal.  I even had a fallback guy in place, and that didn't work out either.  That's right, I made a pact with a guy friend back when I was 18 or so that if we weren't each married by the time I was 27 we would marry each other.  He got married last year, so that killed my backup plan.  I guess I should've had a backup backup guy.

About a year and a half ago, I met a strange foreign man on a plane who read my palm and told me I'd be married before I turned 28.  He was so sure of himself, he gave me his business card and told me to mail him a wedding invitation.  He can stop checking his mail tomorrow.  Hell, he can stop now, because getting married is definitely not on my list of things to do today.  I'm actually really happy that his prophecy didn't come true and that 27 will have come and gone without me walking down the aisle.  I like the way things are going for me right now.  With each passing day I become a little stronger, a little wiser, and a little more independent.  So bring it on, 28!  If you're anything like 27, you'll be pretty damn amazing, a little bit surprising, and a whole lot of fun.

So that's the last week in a nutshell.  I'm getting on a plane Friday for a much-needed weekend away in North Carolina.  I get to see my brother and friends I miss way too much.  I'm also planning to enjoy a wild night out at a bar and a really cold night out at a NASCAR race.  I'm going to spend the first weekend of 28 partying like a rockstar with people who are amazing.  I'm also thinking of making a game out of how much success I can have using cheesy pickup lines at the aforementioned bar and race.  I'm open to suggestions if you have some good ones for me to use.  I'm going in with the mindset of "I'm only here for the weekend and I'll never see these people again," and I can imagine only good things will come from that.  Maybe my Prince Charming will be at the bar, or at the race (I'm looking at you, Dale Jr, minus the Grizzly Adams beard), or maybe he'll be on the plane or at the airport or at Sunday brunch.  What's more likely is that I won't meet Mr. Right this weekend, but at the very least I'll come back with plenty of stories for you about Mr. Good Enough for Right Now.  Have a great weekend and I'll see y'all next week!

Life Goes On

For the last 3 months or so, I've been in an "adult relationship" with this guy (more emphasis on adult, none on relationship).  I really enjoyed the time I spent with him because, while the benefits were certainly great, so was the friendship.  The problem came in about a month ago (give or take a week) when I realized that somewhere along the way my emotions got involved and that I am not the kind of girl who can do the "no strings attached" thing.  I tried to ignore how I felt, I really did.  I kept telling myself that we had a good thing going - great conversation, great nights together - I didn't need to screw it up by mixing in feelings that probably weren't even real.  I thought that if I could just put it out of my head the emotions would eventually go away.  But no matter how hard I tried, nothing changed.

And then over the weekend I mixed equal parts alcohol, exhaustion and confusion and became crazy jealous girl.  I'm not proud of how I acted, which wasn't terrible but also wasn't very ladylike, but it made me realize I had to be honest with him and myself.  My secret was out, and there was no more denying that I actually liked the guy I'd been sleeping with (not that I sleep with guys I don't like, but you get what I'm saying).  What's a girl to do when she's falling for her FWB?  The only thing she can do - put an end to the whole arrangement.

Look, I'd love to live in some sort of fantasy world where I tell him I care for him and he shocks me by saying the feeling is mutual, but this isn't a fairy tale or a romantic comedy.  This is reality, and I know him and I knew how it would all go down.  He understood, we agreed to only see each other fully clothed, and to continue being friends like we have been for so long.  It's all good and life goes on, but I'd be lying to you and to me if I said rejection didn't suck.  It's also not something I'm too familiar with - usually I run away before anyone has the opportunity to hurt me.  I've only really been rejected twice in my life, once by the guy who cheated on me and the last time, in 2007, when the guy I'd loved for three years and planned to spend the rest of my life with decided it was best to go our separate ways (did I mention it was my birthday? or that he quoted an Eagles song in his breakup speech? therapy helps, kids). 

Luckily this was nothing like those other guys.  I hadn't invested much into whatever it was we had, so it will be really easy to move on. There are no pieces to pick up.  There will be no crying into my pillow or cursing men or playing the infamous Cee Lo Green song on repeat (though that is a really fun song... "although there's pain in my chest I still wish you the best with a f**k you").  No, there's no need for all that foolishness.  This is a simple case of he's just not that into me.  I've been saying those words to guys for months now (see every previous blog post), I was due to hear them eventually.

I'm thankful for the experience, because I learned many, many things from it - and that I need to stay away from that sort of "relationship" in the future.  But it's also made me decide that, going forward, my relationships will be moving at a snail's pace.  I need to put the physical aspect in the back of my mind and focus on getting to know people and their intentions - no more giving the milk away for free, as my mom would say (and did at one point, actually).  That would save me from future confusion or difficult conversations.  I've been exploring options to keep from "getting to know" a guy too quickly.  I thought I could give up shaving my legs, but that would be gross, not to mention I'm in a weekly dance class and I don't think anyone would appreciate that sight.  I also thought about using the granny panty chastity belt, but then I went digging through my dresser and realized I don't own any of those.  Maybe I could rely on you guys... If you hear me saying, "there's this guy" would you be so kind as to respond with "hey, hornball, keep your hands off of him?"  It probably wouldn't make any difference, but at least it gives you the opportunity to throw back an "I told you so" when things get messy.

I'm sure I'll figure something out, but in the meantime I'll focus on the positives - there was a guy out there who thought I was hot, enjoyed having a real conversation and apparently thought the rest was good enough to keep coming back for more.  So what if he didn't want to keep me all to himself?  Someone else out there will.

Hey, Pretty Lady!

Today's post is inspired by a really cute Venn diagram I saw yesterday (yep, I just said a chart was "cute").  It showed that your reaction to a pickup line depends on your overall feelings toward the person using the line - if I like you I think "awww" and if I don't I think "ewww."  Here's the link for the chart itself:Reaction to Pickup Line.  This got me thinking about some of the lines I've heard lately and I thought it would be fun to share some of the stories with you.

First, there are the typical lame ones:

• I've lost my number, can I have yours?  [Sure thing, pal.  It has three 5's in it.  I look forward to hearing from you when you figure out the other 4 numbers and the order in which they appear.]
• You look just like my next girlfriend.  [I bet.]
• Are you from Tennessee? [I like to say yes to this one.  It produces a lovely confused look and the ability for me to make a quick escape before he can finish by saying "because you're the only 10 I see."]
• How do you like your eggs? [Unfertilized. Thanks for asking.]
• Hey beautiful lady. You're so beautiful. Will you marry me? I'm so in love with your beauty! [You know, since I was a little girl, I always dreamt of being proposed to by the guy working the cheap gold jewelry stand at the mall.]

Then there are the guys who don't use lines, preferring to go straight to the point:

• FB's?  [It took me a minute to figure out what that meant. Call me naive, but my first guess was not that this was an offer to be friends with benefits, minus the friends part and focusing more on the benefits.  Romantic? No. Repulsive? Yes.]
• I have a problem. You should come over and help me out with it. [What's the problem? Out of lotion?  I know what you want and I'm not helping.]

My favorites lately have been the guys who were creative.  Neither of them got anywhere, but they get points for effort and for making me laugh.  Here's the first one:

I was enjoying a night out with friends a couple months ago, dancing away at a bar in the city.  The DJ was playing a mix of NOLA rap, general booty shaking music, and old school movie songs (songs from Grease, that sort of thing).  At one point, he played You've Lost That Loving Feeling.  Right as the song started, a guy tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Hi. I'm Maverick. You must be my teacher."  He proceeded to serenade me and I let him because it was hilarious and completely out of the ordinary.  Once the song was over, he went back to his friends and I went back to mine, laughing hysterically at how I'd just been Mavericked at the bar.

And the next one:

I was out Saturday night and knew the night was drawing to a close for our group.  I went up to the bar to close my tab when a guy walked up and said, "Put your arm up."  I was skeptical, partly because it didn't make any sense, but mostly because I was wearing a strapless dress and pictured bad things happening if my hands were in the air.  I asked him why and he said, "Because it's time."  So I played along and put my arm up.  What did he do?  He pretended he was a ballerina and spun himself in circles using my hand.  I laughed and shook my head and tried to make an exit when he said those four magic words: "How about a shot?"  We got the shots and he proposed a toast "to a promising new relationship."  My response: "Really?  Does it include a giant rock on my finger?  And then an intimate, but beautiful wedding, followed by a modest house with a white picket fence, two kids, a cat and a dog?"  He said maybe (nothing was deterring this one).  I took the shot from him and then he proceeded to pull out a wad of cash from his pocket, in what I can only imagine was a lame attempt to show me he had money.  So you have money? Good for you.  Now I and everyone else standing at this bar know it.  I hope you don't get mugged tonight, genius.  As he was casually flipping through his bills, I walked away.

Other fun encounters Saturday night involved being hit on by 2 friends of a friend.  One of them pretended to not know my name, spouting off dozens of random facts about me and saying, "I can't believe I don't remember your name. I know all this stuff about you and you're beautiful. I should know your name."  He was interrupted by the other friend and this exchange:

Him: I've always liked you.
Me: Good to know.
Him: No. Really. I've always liked you. Like, always.
Me: Right. Got it.
Him: I want to take you out.  How about dinner this week?
Me: No, thanks.
Him: Come on.... dinner one night...
Me: Nope.  Won't happen. Besides, I have no free nights.
Him: Well what about next weekend?
Me: No.
Him: And you don't want to have dinner with me this week?
Me: No. [pause] Oh look! My friends are finally here!!  Gotta go.

Now I know what you're thinking... with all this interaction I must have an overblown ego.  Not at all.  What gives me an overblown ego is the fact that I've dropped 3 pants sizes since January.  This stuff?  It's definitely not making me some self-absorbed crazy girl because all of the aforementioned guys have been ones that fall on the "ewww" side of that Venn diagram.  Like one of my friends said recently - I have no problem attracting guys.  I just happen to attract all the wrong ones.  That's what is keeping me in check.  I'm plagued by thoughts of "what the hell?" and "where the shit is Prince Charming?" as opposed to thoughts of "I'm so popular!"

It's all good, though.  I'm enjoying the funny moments, the gross moments and the awkward moments because I know that all of these "ewwws" are leading to an "awww."

How to Say No

I have really enjoyed writing this blog.  It's been a great way to clear my head, keep my heart safe, and prevent me from making dozens of calls to tell the same story repeatedly.  But for all the good it has done, it has also brought some complications to my love life.

The primary problem is that, by putting it all out there, people know I'm single.  How is that a problem?  It's resulted in people coming out of the woodwork to take me out or tell me how they've always felt.  It's not that I think I'm better than anyone else or that I'm an evil woman, it's just that the guys who have been contacting me lately are guys I'm not interested in dating.  It's not you, it's not me, it's chemistry. We don't have it.  Or, as seems to be the case recently, you think we have it and I disagree.  The guys who have asked me out since I started this blog a few months ago have been guys I've known for years.  Let's think about this for a second.... We've known each other for a long time.  I'm obviously putting myself out there.  If I thought you're the guy I'm looking for, trust me, you'd know it.  I've never been particularly good at hiding my feelings for someone. If I have a thing for you, it's pretty obvious.

That being said, the biggest problem I have with this blog is that it has taken away my ability to tell little white lies.  I'm the kind of person who wants everyone to be happy and everything to be harmonious and in balance (a true-to-form Libra, for those of you who believe in astrology).  If we go out and I realize I'm not feeling it, I don't want to waste my time or yours.  I also don't want to be mean or hurt your feelings, so if you ask me out again I'll generally default to the little white lie.  Usually, something like "I'd like to hang out with you as friends, but you should know I'm seeing someone" would do the trick.  But when you're posting updates on your single life for all the world to see, it's damn near impossible to say that you're seeing someone.  When it came to guys on dating sites, it was easy for me to say I didn't think we were a good match or that I wasn't interested.  But these aren't guys from dating sites.  These are guys I know and have known for a good while.  These are guys I consider friends - friends I never want to make out with or marry.

So the question is what do I do?  I try to steer clear of the vanishing act, but have used it in the past and will use it again if I absolutely have to.  What I'm looking for is the nice way to say "I'm just not that into you."  If you have any suggestions, please let me know.  All I've got so far is "I see those stars in your eyes. Stop that shit."  I know! Maybe if I passive-aggressively complain about it on my blog, certain people will get the hint!  That's the best idea I've had all day!!

Moving on... For those of you wondering how I keep getting myself into this pickle, it's quite simple actually.  I'm being completely blindsighted!  I take everything at face value, so when a guy says it would be cool to grab some lunch or coffee and catch up on what's happened in our lives since we last saw each other, I think we're doing just that.  And then, at some point over the course of lunch or dinner or coffee he makes an obvious comment or brings up my relationship status (or lack thereof) and I think to myself, "Crap... here we go again."  So the secret's out now.  If you want a date with me, just tell me we should get together to catch up.  It seems I can't say no to that offer.  My favorites have been the guys who have said they were coming to my town for something, only to find out later that they were coming to town to see me and made up having a work/family/whatever obligation.  Jerks.  That's not flattering. That's obnoxious.  For the record, only one guy over the course of the last 6 months has been able to pull the "we should catch up" card and have success, so just stop already.

I'll end my rant with this quote: "When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows."

I Quit! But the Blog Continues...

This is my first post in a couple of weeks.  You may be wondering what happened to make me vanish from blogging, but nothing happened, really.  It's just that I quit.  No, not blogging (obviously).  But I did quit online dating.  I totally and completely removed and deleted my profile from the paid site.  I've had more than I can handle of crazy people, both in the real world and the online world, and decided I just didn't want to deal with it anymore.  No more meeting men online for me.  Now it's back to doing things the old-fashioned way.

What does this mean for the blog?  Nothing, I hope.  I'd like for it to continue.  I just have to continue to date and then there shouldn't be a problem.  I don't see anyone trying to stop me from enjoying my single girl ways, either, so that is also not a problem.  I played around with a few ideas on where the blog goes from here, but I haven't really decided what to do with it.  I was putting some books away at the store about a week or so ago and saw one called Love in 90 Days.  It was something like a challenge or a prescription, one of those books where you do as the author says for 90 days and then presto!  Love appears in all its glory.  I thought about picking up a copy and blogging about my 90 day adventure, but step one was to sign up on at least one dating site (no, thanks).  Step two was to sign up for at least three groups/hobbies/clubs where men will be.  With my schedule, that's just not going to happen.  I did see a couple of tips on my quick flip-through that I may incorporate into everyday life.  One was to say hello to three men/strangers each day.  That should be easy enough and it seems to make sense.  Another was to constantly date three men at once, as it will make it easier to find "the one."  That could be fun... or trouble....

So I was *this close* to picking up the book when a whole mess of thoughts and emotions came rushing in:

This is a crock of crap.  You can't possibly expect anyone to find real love in 90 days just by following your crazy-ass "rules."  But what if it works?  What if I get this book and listen to this crazy woman and I actually do find my one-and-only?  That would be amazing! But... Then I'll have to buy somebody a Christmas present and deal with juggling family functions at the holidays.  AND.... holy crap... I may never ever date again. Ever!  Am I really ready for forever with somebody? Hm.... This single thing has been kind of fun.  Next thing you know, I'll have to deal with sharing my bed and maybe even somebody who snores or has weird habits or something.  All that by Christmas?  I think I better put this back on the shelf for now.

After all was said and done, I've decided to stop worrying about love and happily ever after and start focusing on my kick-ass life.  I'm surrounded by great people and we have plenty of fun, and that's good enough for me.  I have my 10-year reunion in a couple of weeks, so maybe that guy I had a crush on in high school will be there and still be hot.  Or maybe there was a guy who always had a thing for me who will show up and tell me.  Or maybe I'll meet a totally random guy at the after-party who will be gorgeous and funny and amazing.  Maybe none of those things will happen and I'll decide it would be fun to try to beat a player at his own game.  Then again, one of the three random men I'll say hello to tomorrow could ask me out for a drink and could say something ridiculous that leads to a blog post.  Or I could decide to spend more time at Lowe's because, hot damn!, the guys I saw there today were some masculine, semi-attractive dudes and a little window shopping never hurt anybody.  Whatever I decide to do, the fact is that I have options and I plan to live it up as a single girl and not settle for the guy online who meets my criteria and is less crazy than the rest.  I'll make sure to keep you posted along the way.

Learning to Wear the Skirt

I am no good at dating.  No, really, I suck at it.  One of my problems is that I didn't start dating until college.  I was kind of a late bloomer (some might say prude, I prefer thinking I had priorities and boys weren't one of them).  Another problem is that I'm a serial monogamist.  My relationships have been long ones - a couple that each lasted a year, one that was 6 months or so, and another that went on for 3 years.  I spent 5 1/2 of the last 10 years in a relationship.  The other 4 1/2 years?  They haven't been pretty.  I've made plenty of mistakes (no regrets, thankfully), recovered from a broken heart, and enjoyed life as a single girl not looking for love.  While the last few months have been amusing, I can't help but feel that I'm banging my head against a wall.  I have been stuck in an endless cycle of crazies and guys who are playing with my mind (and, in some cases, my emotions).  What am I doing wrong?  Am I pushing them away?  Are they only a little into me?  What is the deal????  I now have an answer, or at least a good start.

A few days ago, I was on my break at job #2, ranting on the phone about guys to a friend of mine.  A coworker who was also on break overheard my conversation, but I didn't think much of it.  Later that night, I was talking to other coworkers about how a different friend of mine had been asked out on a date in person, and how I still want to be courted and wooed and whatnot.  At that point, the guy who heard my earlier phone call chimed in, saying, "Girl, listen to yourself.  You sound crazy!"  I sound crazy?  What the hell does that mean?  Is it crazy to want to be charmed by some guy?  I asked him to explain, and here's what went down:

In the course of my earlier phone call, he heard me telling my friend that I was getting aggravated with game playing and confusion and it was past time that I started showing these guys who's really in charge.  It was time for me to call the shots and them to take it or leave it.  Then, there I was saying I wanted to be pursued and treated like a lady.  He's so right, I sounded like a crazy person.  In fact, he said, "You can't have it both ways. You either get to be the man and wear the pants or be the girl and wear the skirt. I suggest you be the girl."  Needless to say, us gals were up in arms at the idea that we couldn't have our cake and eat it, too.  I decided to test his theory and spent the next few days changing up my interactions with guys.  Instead of being blunt, I tried being flirty.  I focused more on giggling and hair twirling (though considering 99.9% of my interactions with guys are via computer or text, it was more virtual giggling and mental hair twirling).

It worked!  Next thing I knew, I was getting more texts, messages, FB chats and invitations for actual face-to-face interaction.  Maybe he was on to something....

Now, it hasn't been all sunshine and kittens since I got my talkin' to.  I'm very much struggling with the idea of letting go of the reigns and allowing a guy to chase me.  I'm a very impatient person - I want what I want, when I want it.  It's very difficult for me to not send the first text or instigate the IM conversation, but I'm working on it.  I'm also trying to un-learn everything I've been taught by advice columnists, blogs, relationship books and cheesy romantic comedies.  All of those things have been telling us the rules have changed, and that if you want a guy you should go and get him.  According to my newly discovered voice of reason, nothing has changed.  If a guy wants you, he will come and get you.  If you have to go get him, maybe he didn't really want you to begin with.  Guys still want to pursue girls, and we need to let them pursue us.

This doesn't mean we need to give up who we are.  As he told me, I should continue to be a strong-willed, independent woman.  All I'm doing is letting the guy do the work in the beginning.  As he said, "He'll be thinking he's got you wrapped around his finger, but you'll really be the one in control."  Interesting concept, isn't it?  You mean I just need to sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride?  Sounds good to me!

So, to all you guys out there - if it seems like I'm acting a little funny, please excuse me.  I'm working on the art of flirting and being a girl.  In the words of The Pretenders, "Gonna use my arms/gonna use my legs" and probably my smile, and my hair, and my eyes.  I may even use a goofy pickup line and start calling you "sexy."  Hope you're ready for it, but don't say I didn't warn you.

1000 Views and Counting

That's right, my profile on the paid site (the only one I'm still putting up with) has reached over 1,000 views.  In just over 2 months, over 1,000 guys - and maybe some girls, who knows? - have looked at my profile.  And where has it gotten me?  Well, there haven't been any dates or first meetings in a little over a month.  To be quite honest, all it's really gotten me is a bunch of stories about people who are a little odd.  I'm definitely not taking it very seriously anymore, but I did update my profile and my picture last week just to see what would happen.  I changed my profile to explicitly say exactly what I wanted in a guy, using that blurb from a previous post about wanting a guy 26-37 years old who doesn't smoke, doesn't wink, votes regularly, etc.  Not long after changing that, I began to see an upswing in guys interested in me.  It was pretty serious, too.  In less than 24 hours, I managed to get over 24 new winks.  Do these jerks know how to read?  It's right there, in black-and-white, that I want a guy who "doesn't wink."  Oh well... so much for those guys and their attempts at communication.

I did receive a few actual messages.  A couple of them came from guys with no pictures, one of which claimed he was waiting for his photo to be approved by the site gods.  It's been several days and I know it doesn't usually take that long, and I'm holding off on responding until he mans up and puts up a picture.  I'm mean like that.

Speaking of me being mean, how about a recap of the conversations I've had with guys lately?  We'll start with awesome guy #1.  He sent me a message that I could tell immediately was some garbage form letter he sends out to everyone.  How did I know?  Because in the message he said, "You winked back at me so that's a good start."  No, I definitely did not wink back at you, fool.  I'm anti-wink.  If I winked back at you, I'd be a hypocrite.  I didn't respond to this tool, until he sent me this message:

Subject: Miss Priss
Message: I was being facetious. I know you didn't wink back a me. Meanie.

At that point, I decided to look at his profile.  It all became perfectly clear once I saw that his headline was "Any good/bad girls out here?"  He also wrote that he was in town working on oil spill cleanup and wanted to find a girl to share his nights with for the next few weeks.  I decided it would be much more entertaining to call him out on his stupidity than to simply ignore him.  Here's my response:

I certainly did not wink back at you because I don't wink at anyone. Ever. I also doubt you were being facetious. What's more likely is that you sent me some copied and pasted form message that you send out to all the ladies you contact, without taking a second to read over it and make sure it all applied to me. And calling me a meanie and subjecting your second message with "Miss Priss?" Here's a pointer for you - contrary to what you may have been taught by The Game, The Mystery Method, or any of those other nonsense dating books, negging/picking on a woman is not the way to her heart. It is, however, the way to getting a foot up your ass. If you're looking for a cheap thrill while you're in town, I suggest spending more time on Bourbon Street because you won't be finding it with me.

He responded with, "LOL. No problem" and that was the end of that.

Awesome guy #2 was much more of a letdown.  He seemed to have actual potential...for a brief moment.  He sent me a message going point-by-point on my checklist for my ideal man, telling me what percentage he matched what I was trying to find.  He also added other qualities I had omitted (honesty, loyalty, compassion, etc).  He was funny, perceptive and charming.  He invited me to check out his profile to see if I thought we were a good match.  That's when I saw it.... Right there in the first paragraph, "I will only entertain serious matches who are born-again Christians. I also believe in abstinence before marriage, but am willing to overlook if a woman has made that mistake once."  Well, crap.  There goes that one.  I sent him a response saying I'd appreciated his message but felt he should know that I am not a born-again Christian and that I do not attend church regularly, as I believe it's more about faith than attendance.  I didn't even touch the abstinence thing.  It took him a couple of days to respond, but when he did, it was fabulous!  Here's what he said:

I'm sorry I didn't respond to you message sooner, and I thank you for being so honest with me.


You are right of course, and its true.... since you are not a born again believer, my first and only obligation to you is for your eternal soul. A romantic interest would be a conflict of interest. I'm sure you have heard some of us use the phrase "equally yoked".

But understand that I don't judge you or anyone else. That is not my place and I am just as much a sinner as anyone who ever lived. The only difference is that I'm saved by grace, and that is not to my credit, but to Jesus' credit for what he endured to pay the price so I could go free.

Come to think of it, I don't know that I've ever heard any of "them" say "equally yoked."  I'm sure I'd remember if I had.  On the plus side, it's nice to know there's a guy out there watching out for my soul, though I'm not sure I understand why it's a conflict of interest to date a sinner such as myself.  Oh well. I guess I'll continue to live my life, sinning boldly and riding that fast train to hell.  I may not have that guy by my side, but at least I have good friends to keep me company on the ride.
 
The only other slightly fun interaction was a message I got from a guy who wouldn't seem like a half-bad dude, if he hadn't sent me the exact same message last month!  Seriously, I got the same message, word-for-word, twice.  They both ended with him saying that it was his last day on the site and if I was interested I should email him at his personal address.  I may have changed my profile picture and headline, but I'm still the same girl I was last month.  Did you think I wouldn't notice?  Did you forget you'd already reached out to me?  Whatever the reason for the duplication, the fact is that your last day on the site wasn't sometime last month.  It's also probably not today, and now I associate you with lies.  This is not looking good for you.
 
I have exchanged messages with a couple of guys with some potential, though how much potential I can't honestly say.  Neither of them live terribly close, but the conversation has been good so far.  Maybe we'll meet, maybe we won't.  Either way, it's good practice for me and more stories for you!